I don't
wanna think

the idea
ever belonged
someone else;

be it
your mind
your body.
Leave me in the dark, save me from this pain within my chest.
"You've come again." I said, indifferent, unbothered, unwavering.
"Yes." his voice cold, merciless, blunt, unforgiving.
"Are you here to finally accept me?" I asked him, a hint of hopefulness in my voice betrayed me.
"No, I just wanna see you." he answered coldly still.
"Isn't that a bit cruel?" I kept my response as calm as I could.

He'd do that all the time. He would mock me by coming to see me, by keeping his distance, by making sure he's just barely in my sight, by making sure I can feel his presence, by making sure that I know he won't approach me, by teasing me to come to him first.

We stayed like that for quite a moment, keeping our thoughts to ourselves, not looking at each other, keeping the suspense hanging in the air.

"I can't always hold back, you know?" I finally spoke, breaking the silence
"Then don't," his voice was even colder than before, "embrace me."
"You really are cruel." I hesitated.

I wanted to tell him, I wanted to feel him, I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to admit it.

There's another long stretch of painful silence. He was calm though I could feel his air of anticipation. I could feel his slight impatience. I could see through the uncaring front he was putting on. He wanted the same thing as I did, yet the two of us were stubborn to let on.

I thought about how foolish this is. We both wanted to feel the touch of the other. We knew that this wouldn't happen all the time, and we knew that the next time I see him could probably be the best time to see each other or it could be too late. I knew I had to make up my mind.

After a while I could hear the sound of his cloak slowly dragging on the floor. This was it. It was then or never and so I found the courage to speak.

"Stop," I said, sounding weaker and more vulnerable than I intended, "please, stop."

He said nothing, instead he waited for me to continue. Even so, I knew his heart was racing as hard as mine.

I turned around to face the back of his head. The light from outside the door illuminated him ever so beautifully, yet the shadow it casted was eerie, unsettling even, but I braced myself.

"Take me with you," this time I sounded certain, and I was glad of it, "I don't want to do this anymore. Please, take me with you."

He turned around and looked at me straight in the eyes. It was an intense, piercing look going through my soul and for the first time since ever, he smiled. He reached out his hands and immediately I took them. They were cold, yet comforting. He pulled me closer and held me in his arms.

"Let's go." he said softly to my ears.

And so, I went with death to the other side, and it was the relief that I've always been looking for.
- Alf / 17.5.17
Hi, it's me again. I'm sorry for still bothering you after all this time, but I can't help myself from picking up my phone and text you, because that's what I used to do all the time whenever I wasn't occupied. When I don't think of anything, I think of you. No, scratch that. I don't think of you only when I'm alone at 3 AM, I do too when I'm busy and stressed out with my job during the day. Even until now. I don't know if you still think of me though, after all it seems like you're really in love with her. Please take care of her and treat her as good as how you used to treat me, and I hope she'd treat you much better than how I used to treat you back then. I still regret all the words left unspoken inside of my head the moment you said you couldn't do it anymore and decided to walk away. I was shocked and sad, yet I couldn't say anything because I know I've always been the selfish one. It was all my fault. I ruined this. In that moment, all I could think was to finally stop being selfish and let you pursuit your happiness without being held back by me. Once again, I'm sorry for bothering you like this. I wish you well, because you deserve all the happiness in the world. Please let me know if you need anything from me, I'll be glad to help. You know you can always reach me out in a phonecall away, right? Good night.

*Read at 02:50 AM
The number you're calling is out of service.
He said,
As he slid his finger to my lips;

I asked,
"Why not me?"
As I swiped my tears from my cheeks;

"Because you're not her,"*
He said,
As he slowly let go of my hands.
"Why can't I be her?" I asked.
"Because nobody could be her," he said.
People I know and love are gone,
Gone by the wind;
For they're falling apart,
Like leaves during the fall.
Leaves are leaving, and nothing were left.
Come and unplug the lamp;
Close your eyes and lie down,
Let's explore each other in the dark.

Come and unravel the walls I built around people;
Unbutton the secrets I kept for myself;
Unhook the happiness I failed to attach to anyone;
Unlock the doors I closed ever so tightly so that nobody could enter;
Uncover my mind and touch me softly there.

Come and watch me do it all;
As I'm opening up my soul to you,
Layer by layer.
I was fully clothed;
Yet you saw me bare,
Completely naked.
Missed I wasn't,
teardrops on my tombstone no longer;

Only a bunch of dandelions,
caressing the cold parchment
when nobody was around;

Blown by the wind,
left alone though it hasn't sinned;

Slowly withering to die,
consumed by cruel, cruel world
the same way as
I was.
My body ran cold and nobody to hold.
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