I crave you like a cigarette and I just as equally want to burn you.
Smoking is an addiction of poison that will waste you away and acid drenched flowers will grow from your ribcage. But I assure you, I'd rather turn my lungs to ash than ever be kissed by the putrid lips of love.

I want to tell this to you now. But I could never find the words to tell you. I wrote hieroglyphics across your eyelids, stapled memos to your chest, and flew banners in the scenery while you dreamt.

Translations of these words alone will not be sufficient enough to tell you what I want to share.  I... Miss you. I miss you like a front tooth on picture day.

This is the picture painted to represent years of learning in a warehouse hidden in the hills of yesterday. We gain knowledge by digging neurotic craters, filling those holes with interesting things like the evolution of humankind, the platypus, or how politicians sleep at night.

Arts not the same for all of us. We all know I'm better with painted fingers, because then I can redesign my scars with regrets i have not learned from yet.

I will be able tell you every detail of why, just not now. Attempt to Imagine art so intricate that we never let anyone see it, we keep it locked away for years and years. Stored away in a dome of stay out of my occupancy.

I Built barriers buried under burned books and belated beautiful bones that never knew who they were in the first place. Praying to a god that doesn't speak to me in the first place. That guy hasn't said a **** word since I went deaf.

It's natural to be afraid

So step into this

Be terrified with me

If I could serve a buffet of every word I have ever thrown up out of this mouth, I would lose my appetite.

My brother,

You are my brother. A man of bones and too many cigarette ashes lacing your lungs.

My brother,

We are a bond. One that got chewed up by the next door neighbors dog but is still his favorite toy.

My brother,

I am so sorry for the things I believe you can do.

My brother,

From the second she left I have been saving my water for the day you run dry.

My brother,

Drowning is not the cure.

My brother,

Distance can sometimes be the best thing for someone. It gives you perspective. And the further away something is the bigger you feel.

My brother,

Please, be my big brother. Be bigger as I go further.

My brother,

Let me crack your back. Stand up straight and look me in the eye. Wash this moment with the idea that we are water. Running through a valley of flash flood and we will overcome everything here.

My brother,

Take my hand. Let's snap this broken wishbone in half and make our own dreams come true. Let's become everything we thought we could be when we where five. Let's fight like tomorrow is waiting for us. Like mom, maybe like mom can hear us. Let's show her how much we truly love her.

My brother,

I know this is not easy. No one ever said it was. But pick up your bootstraps. I need you... My brother.

I've held your very thoughts in my hands.
They twinkled like the stars and were just as brilliant.
Some were sprinkled with glass and barbed wire.
Those were my favorites.
Some of them were made of clouds and packaged, processed love.
I didn't like them as much, they were expected.
The darkest parts of you were my favorite.
I wanted the real you, the one made of razor blades and painted smiles.
That side of you is the one that caused you to leave.
To leave me.
Suicide isn't easy.
But you sure made it seem that way.