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Aug 29 · 66
marriage 2
Pink Kator Aug 29
How much is too much
and how little's enough?
If I reach for you
will you shy from my touch?
If I choke out the words
will they be enough?

Cause I don't want to push, love.
I don't want to shove.
I just need to know now
if I'm still the one.

Are you still having fun?

If I opened the front door
Would you try to run?
Have my little "quirks"
become just too much?
Do you despise setting timers
for laundry and lunch?

"How deep is your love?"

If I asked you for candles and wine
would you do it?
Would you begrudge me for asking
to see if the shoe fits?
Cause I know getting older
doesn't have to mean *******.
Proximity doesn't have to mean closeness.

I just want to know, love
If you'd still be concerned
Do I bring too much heat?

Does your fire still burn?
Jun 22 · 74
marriage
Pink Kator Jun 22
And now
after years of torment
with only brief reprise
I can hold your
damaged heart
throughout each night
I can keep it safely beating
right next to mine

I can keep the longest nights
and greet the
sun-filled sky

with you
Jul 2019 · 107
Death Wish
Pink Kator Jul 2019
What I want
What I need

What I know
I cannot have

All the things
All the blocks
that restrict
what's up for grabs.

I'm sorry
I upset you
by saying
I don't want to be alive

but I can't lie
and tell you
that I do.

What's the point
when everything
is always a ******* struggle
what's the point
when every step
is always another step uphill?

WHY?

What is the point
of all this hassle?
Just for love
some small joys
some tiny jokes that make you giggle?

When the things
that I want
have always been so out of reach
All the hardships
that I've been through
don't even help me peak

I just can't
I just won't
pretend that it's okay
to go about
and walk around
living the boring
day to day

The simple things
are all I want
but
I feel
I'll never get them.
I don't wan't fame
don't want fortune
just my own ******* kitchen.

But day by day
More and more
I think
that
it will never happen.

So can you really blame me
when I say
I just want to quit breathing?
Apr 2019 · 121
red line day
Pink Kator Apr 2019
Red lines running through my
       mind all day
I cannot make them


                go away
   cannot let the thoughts
                  sink in
Like a razor in my skin


Cannot let them win
Apr 2019 · 128
Fighting
Pink Kator Apr 2019
The urge is more
     overwhelming
                       every day
I cannot make it
               go away.
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same.


I know I am fighting
          a battle

that I will eventually
           lose.
Apr 2019 · 755
Uncertainty
Pink Kator Apr 2019
Sometimes it feels like
we're just making excuses
to not see each other.
Is that what's happening
or
am I just overthinking things?
Are we getting closer
or further apart?

Do I
still truly
have your heart?
Apr 2019 · 62
Stagnation
Pink Kator Apr 2019
Why does the human heart
have to love
       so much?
Why do I have to
                                 yearn?
I would like to accept
  that things are
      the way they are
   And who cares?
                                     But I do
                    too much.
I want such a different
     life than I am living
And it's not so easy
to just "take a different path."
I like the road I'm on
It is just
    far too slow
          And it's killing me.

I'm so tired of breathing
                        the same
                           stale
                            air
So tire of waking
                     to nobody
                          there
Unbearably sick of
                       living
                            dependent

I can't stand it.
Apr 2019 · 418
Escape
Pink Kator Apr 2019
I want to move forward
so badly
but all this time
a spire
has stood in our way.
I love you as hard
as I could imagine
loving anyone
but still
it's not enough.

I am not allowed to live with you
because they would disagree.
And
we cannot
get married
because you are not free.

You say that you're sorry
and I surely believe you
but
it doesn't change things.

I still sleep
                      alone.
And we lie
                      perfectly.

I don't want to live this way.

I cannot keep doing this.

I need to
escape
escape
escape
escape
Jul 2018 · 413
Morsa
Pink Kator Jul 2018
I don't often find
sharp edges
on you.
It's startling
to see how easily
those harsh words
mean everything.

That time it was you
and I
recall
a few other times that
you were the cause

Just cause
I pretend so easily
doesn't mean
they don't
cut straight into me

You're not an enemy
But sometimes
the result is just the same.

Strange,
Making you a "failure"
is as filled with guilt
As making him one.
Jul 2018 · 169
A Message to My Brother
Pink Kator Jul 2018
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Pl­ease
Don't **** yourself.
Jul 2018 · 149
Past Regrets
Pink Kator Jul 2018
You are not a stranger,
No
I know your face quite well.
I still remember
your heartbeat
As I tried desperately
to hold all the blood
inside your heart,
Tried to keep you
from falling apart.

I never succeeded.

My fingernails only cut
more holes into your delicate skin.
All your tears
Only caused me to
Slip and fall,

I had to run
to keep you from stealing it all-
I cannot pretend
as if
none of this happened
I must remember

how I had to expel
parts of you
from deep within myself.
How your pain left me with scars.
Love is not the only thing
that leaves marks.

And my nails are still too sharp

To hold your fragile heart.
Jul 2018 · 138
The Truth
Pink Kator Jul 2018
You asked me what had changed
         I couldn't tell.
I couldn't let myself add
to your current state of hell.
But if I were to be completely honest
I'd have to tell you
That it's those years that I have
     completely forgotten
                                                       ­            They changed me.

I had to learn to be less wanting
I had to learn to try less "us" things.
I had to distance myself
so you couldn't hurt me
Because you did-
  over and over again -
(I cannot say this.)

I guess it's the same as I'm hurting you now,
You showed me how...

But if we both lost this
       will we lose each other?
Jul 2018 · 144
Lost Lines
Pink Kator Jul 2018
My heart is full of want,
I'm unsettled.
I can't move.
Can't sit.
Can't meddle
In any of my business





****
I lost it.
Jul 2018 · 120
Resistance
Pink Kator Jul 2018
The thoughts
like little barbs against my skin
trying still
to claw their way in,
to leave their marks.

Little pains
that never come to be
they have to get past me-
and the person
that I have learned to be

they don't know
how I've grown

They don't understand.

Or maybe I
am the one
underestimating them

They may get in
when my
resolve has
fallen too low
for it has been known
to do so
Maybe I'll buckle
Maybe I'll kneel

But until then

I will just feel
the knocking at the door,
Insisting

On me giving in,
taking that sharpness

to my skin,

feeling

Pain.
Jul 2018 · 184
July 3, 2018
Pink Kator Jul 2018
Today I realized

this year
it was only his birthday
and not

your deathdate.
Jul 2018 · 100
The Fight
Pink Kator Jul 2018
The urge is more
     overwhelming
                      every day
I cannot make it
               go away
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same

I know I am fighting a battle
  that I will eventually
            lose.
Jul 2018 · 95
Red Line Day
Pink Kator Jul 2018
Red lines running through my mind all day
I cannot make them


                                     go away
cannot let the thoughts sink in
Like a razor in my skin




Cannot let them in.
Jul 2018 · 157
Problem
Pink Kator Jul 2018
I think it's starting to tip
into the realm of unhealthy,
possibly dangerous.
I've always been wary
of the edge
but this time
I see myself leaning,
I see myself teetering
Making decisions
I very soon regret
That I want to forget
But I can't
and I shouldn't
because these could be the moments
That keep me in check
I need to keep me in check
or the ending
could be
disastrous.
Jan 2015 · 432
Codependence
Pink Kator Jan 2015
You've been holding onto rocks
to keep yourself
from being swept away
your whole life.
None of them
were strong enough
Until one day

You though you found
        the one

It was big
and it was sturdy
and you clung to it
But it never
clung back.

Now you've been
clinging to this rock
for a very long time
and the scenery has grown old
You've seen all
the season
So
many
times.
But you are not drowning
for the most part
And will take this peace
over the treacherous currant
and all its dangers

any day.

Lately you've noticed

this rock does not seem
big enough
anymore.
Have the rough waters
worn it down
without you noticing
or
have you
impossibly
grown bigger?

You cling tighter.
The rock

does not cling back.

A particularly rough storm approaches
the water is
stinging
and bites.

Suddenly

Your rock has crumbled
out
from underneath you.
You cannot
grasp all the bis and pieces
and put them back
together again.

This throws you down
the crazy stream
You bash into boulders.
They leave
Deep cuts
and
Dark bruises

You somehow make it through
rapids
But try to grasp at small stones
Hope one
could be a steady friend

But nothing sticks.

You hold the small remnants
of your lost steadiness
so tight
your skin is bleeding
Even cling to grass and twigs
won't hold
you cannot control
your pathway
anymore.

You fear
a waterfall.
Jan 2015 · 409
Crumbling
Pink Kator Jan 2015
It's incredibly bizarre
to feel your
strongest
and
weakest
at the exact same time.

Nights are set to
destroy me
covering me
in cuts, bruises,
and words
the world is
crumbling around me

I have nothing left to give
you
I have given
   everything
And you have given me
nothing in return.
Jan 2015 · 361
Cards
Pink Kator Jan 2015
My deck was shuffled,
the cards spit across the room.
I must
find
all the aces,
put
the deck
back together.

I finally have gathered
almost all
these squares,
these
unchecked boxes,
go back in order.

the aces
still
give me papercuts
so I leave
them on the floor

for now.
Jan 2015 · 337
Hanging On
Pink Kator Jan 2015
They say you should fix it.

It will be hard.

And I am waiting on just that.
But you cannot simply
say the word hard
Like it's just made of four letters,
Like it isn't your whole life
including
all the points in between
the helping.

I gave into suggestion
and I tried antidepressants
that ******* made me crazier
than I already am.
But when I find something
that helps me
I must take secret doses
because
it's not a prescription given
by someone
who doesn't know me.

Don't scold me
I'm doing all I can
to hold on.
Jan 2015 · 269
Sometimes
Pink Kator Jan 2015
following your heart

means
losing your mind.
Apr 2013 · 835
knots
Pink Kator Apr 2013
are the strings
i thought
were holding me up
actually
tying me down?
Apr 2013 · 668
to ashes, to ashes
Pink Kator Apr 2013
I woke next to you this morning
Your warm skin and scruffy face
           -which I find incredibly ****
And usually just this
Can make me skip
   throughout my day

But not today.
I woke with
       the silent wild fire
  from last night - and several days before -
still quietly burning
still slowly consuming
            my heart.

The night before this one
     you promised
things will change
But how can I wait
with my forest turning into ashes
        tree by tree
        branch by burning branch?

How can I wait for you to stop this fire
by throwing bucketfuls of water at it?
Dec 2012 · 536
Turning Sour
Pink Kator Dec 2012
It's been almost one whole year, my love.
When will this charade be over?
I've been quiet in the background,
hiding in the shadows,
waiting for the day they all will know.
I never thought it would last this long.

When will I be freed of this indefinite sentence?
When will we stop playing this game of hide & seek?
When will you unveil me?

I'm still waiting...
Dec 2012 · 407
Reminders
Pink Kator Dec 2012
Most of the
time it's forgotten.
But in times
like this I am
reminded.
I wish you could
come
but you "can't",
wish I wasn't
a secret
but I
"must be".
I am reminded
that we
don't have a
normal, free
relationship
and we never
will.
Dec 2012 · 582
Hopeless Wishes
Pink Kator Dec 2012
I watch the couple
walking together in the park
it's getting dark
and I wish you were here with me.
We could hold hands
and walk as they do,
me and you

but we are not free.
I wish I could share
the trees and the sun,
the sound of water as it runs,
with someone besides
all these strangers
surrounding me.
With someone I love.

A man asks me
'What are you doing all alone?"
My only answer
is a question,
"What am I doing?"
Dec 2012 · 332
The Difference
Pink Kator Dec 2012
If this was a movie
there'd be a
      big fight scene
And we'd
      almost give up
                   all hope.

But at some point
         you'd realize
some things are
     worth war cries.
And you'd      stand up
                            and
                           fight
For our love.
Dec 2012 · 329
Spark Burn Die
Pink Kator Dec 2012
rub against me
make me spark
start a big flame
to take up all this
                cold dark
I burn for you.

Throw water on me
watch the flame
                    disappear
walk away, as I lay
               on the damp ground

leave me feeling cold
     charred,
                 burnt out.
Nov 2012 · 377
Ink
Pink Kator Nov 2012
Ink
Don't want my ink
Upon your skin
Don't let it in-
But tell me, sweet boy,
What are you afraid of?
That I'll make my mark on you?
A trace of me you can't undo?

Evidence of my love,
my lust,

and yours?
Jul 2012 · 626
Beg
Pink Kator Jul 2012
Beg
She doesn't know what to do.
The world has forced her on her knees
In front of you.
Leaving her with the pain of asking please.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to do it.
But she has no choice
besides reaching out her empty palms
full of shame.
Begging.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to ask
For things that should be offered.
Pink Kator Jun 2012
Feel it start to rise
Addiction bares its large teeth
And sinks them in me

Out on the dark street
I try hard to outrun it
But it's not easy

Take many calm breaths
I am so close to reaching-
Just a bit farther

Then you say something
Jerkish and insensitive.
I'll write you nothing.
Jun 2012 · 542
Bad Words
Pink Kator Jun 2012
Be careful what you say,
Be careful how you act.
Cause if you make the wrong move
He might get mad.

He might get mad
And say he won't
be coming back,
You lost your one last chance.

So tiptoe carefully
And think before you speak
-keep your tongue in cheek.
Because he's holding back a lot
And he won't tolerate everything.
You get no free passes
to be how you want to be.

So be very cautious,
Pay attention to how you speak
Cause you just might lose
Your one last chance
And then
He'll leave.
Jun 2012 · 462
Shattered
Pink Kator Jun 2012
"I want you to think about how many
more chances you have."
And at that point
I realized
that at some point
it will be one time too many
And you will decide
You're better off
and turn away
from me.
All these days I have been
believing that we
will stick it out no matter what.
Now
I realize
that is just me.

Well no wonder
You don't stand up
for me
and keep me
a secret.
Now I believe
that's all
I ever will be.
Feb 2012 · 546
I Love You More
Pink Kator Feb 2012
My rage from pain is growing
You do all this without knowing
How much it really hurts me,
How deadly consequences can be.

What's with all this silence?
It brings me to the brink of violence,
To breaking all my promises
Do you think it's really worth it?

In defense of all your pride
You're pushing my heart to the side.
Is this some kind of punishment
For one thing I shouldn't have said?

Well I'd be careful baby
You don't know what you're doing, maybe
You just don't know what's in store
-How dare you say "I love you more"!
Dec 2011 · 522
Teehee
Pink Kator Dec 2011
You did something wonderful today.
After I stripped down...
You followed (birthday) suit!
Dec 2011 · 441
Simply because
Pink Kator Dec 2011
my lips can
touch
in such a way
with yours

makes this
a beautiful place to be.
Nov 2011 · 1.2k
Mom's Boyfriend Moved In-
Pink Kator Nov 2011
And now it's
"We need to talk to you."
It's
awkward giggles through the wall.
Other sounds,
I don't want to know
at all.
It's her
making breakfast
when she hasn't cooked in years.
It's him
walking in the door
when she's not even here.
It's
trying to avoid
awkward conversation
when I'm
high as a kite
put politeness is the expectation.
It's
things in the house
suddenly being fixed.
It's
extra noise when there should be silence.
It's
wondering if he'll try to be my "dad"
and if he steps out of line
you know I'll fight back.
It's
flattening my quills,
remind myself:
he's a different person.
I guess it's
hard to put a family back together
once it's broken.

      (or never even existed in the first place)
Nov 2011 · 816
Glow
Pink Kator Nov 2011
Often,
most of me is dark
and parts of me don't show.
But where your light
    is shed upon me:
                      I glow.

Though we may never touch
And the distance
sometimes grows
I know your light will shine
And the darkness will erode.

You are the sun, my steady constant.
And I, the moon that cycles round.
All these times of darkness
Are so worth the warmth I've found.

Although most the time
I'm dark and cold
That glimmer of light's
what's worth the show.

For where your light
    is shed upon me:
                        *I glow.
Nov 2011 · 563
Getting Dust
Pink Kator Nov 2011
I wish I could be heading somewhere
Instead of peddling in place.
I wish I could get something back
Instead of what I'm giving go to waste.
How do I escape,
fly high above the birds and trees?
How is it I keep walking on
Instead of falling to my knees?
Set me free!
I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
But apparently if I'm not the right one
I'm not good enough for you to invite me.

I'm tired of all these people,
Of not being enough.
Of giving everything I can
And getting dust.
Getting to sit in the endless hours
While everyone has fun.
Apparently I'm not enough.
           Now just look at what I've done.
Nov 2011 · 405
Untitled
Pink Kator Nov 2011
I know before
those words would have been
a blessed rainstorm
in a desert
but now
they seem a bit too much
like desperate measures.
I know before
those sweet three words
would be all I needed
But now my thirst
will only disperse
with something a bit sweeter,
a bit deeper
more than just some promise
of perfect love in the future.
the future is NOW,
my love.
my boat's slowly
drifting off to sea
and if you do not catch it soon
You may just miss out
on me...
Nov 2011 · 453
Arrival
Pink Kator Nov 2011
Why was I so looking forward to this?
At least before, the smoke filled the emptiness.
There's no big change in being sober
Except for the fact that my frown won't turn over.
Now it seems only loneliness stayed
I can remember things better
    but who wants that anyway?
At least before I wanted to live.
I had something to live for,
    some comfort to get.
I would rather just forget my dreams
If it meant that I wouldn't always want
To rip at my seams
Till they bleed and they bleed
And I bleed no more.

Cause who really gives a **** anyway?
Nov 2011 · 414
The Fog
Pink Kator Nov 2011
The fog slowly lifts
      but still my body calls for it:
                                    come back,
                                    come back.
I could not bring it even if I
                            wanted to
                       which I do
                          and don't
                  at the same time.
                                     come back,
                                     come back.
                   I know where it is at
       but I cannot reach for it
                             the fog
          that will dull the pain
                 that will distance me
                                     come back,
                                     come back.
Nov 2011 · 446
In The Open
Pink Kator Nov 2011
the secret's out
the story's in
now for the real game
to begin

no sneaking round
our mouths hushed closed
been caught red handed,
palms exposed.

what will these things
come to now?
what are the new rules?
will I finally get what I deserve
or just to not see you?

Either way the jumbled lock
Has finally found its key
But what's behind this door, my friend?
Guess we'll see...
Nov 2011 · 445
Warning
Pink Kator Nov 2011
You think you can pull that **** on me
And still be "the one"?
You must be so blind, babe
If you can't see what you've done.

Don't start pushing buttons, dear
You might just push your luck
Cause I'm done playing games
And I'm done with being stuck.

You just might wanna back up
My wings take up some room
And you can bet that when I spread 'em
You won't treat me like a fool.

All this talk of suicide will
Make me go insane.
I've been around that block before
I can't take that drive again.

I don't mean to sound so callous
But you're upsetting my balance
So if you push too hard
I'd better warn you, I have talons.

Though I won't use them on you,
I will use them on myself.
I've got caverns in my mind
that look a lot like hell.

I want to spread my wings and fly
far from these caves inside my mind
So if you're not going to help
I'm gonna leave you far behind.

Alright?
Oct 2011 · 362
Sometimes
Pink Kator Oct 2011
you make me wonder
If I really am
As foolish as they say
If I am wasting
     All my love
On someone who can't
even see me
in the light of day.

Who are you
to play with me this way?
Who am I
to let you?
Oct 2011 · 388
The Past
Pink Kator Oct 2011
I'm tired
of everyday being an attack
I'm tired
of you
not being able to understand
I want to grow close
but you're pushing me away
And you justify
all those horrible things you say
by the ones I did
But baby
we're not going anywhere
If the past is always
next to you
We can't move forward
If we're constantly moving back.
Oct 2011 · 465
I WANT MY WORDS
Pink Kator Oct 2011
And I will squeeze
until the last drop
falls to the ground
and brings the rain
that will end the drought
inside,
that will open the dam
let the water come
**GUSHING FORTH
Oct 2011 · 848
Complications
Pink Kator Oct 2011
everywhere
from all around I see
spiderwebs
entangling me
corners that I've neglected
to dust
come back
hauntingly
how do I break free?
take the sand
from my throat
and let these words bleed,
let my star shine
and my colors come out
LET ME SHOUT
let me tell all my tales
break past these walls
and I shall avail
LET ME FREE
to speak as I speak
to know how I think
and be proud
that I can speak-
though not aloud,
and be fine
that no one hears me.
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