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Pen Lux Feb 2019
I've been talking to my therapist
he wants me to write up a list
of all things that bring
the adult and child out of me

Although it seems that I can't bring
any side or part of me
that makes me seem less broken
so on the words I keep on choking

a flow of rain the sunshine brings
the thinking, screaming, sadness
trickling
my best friend’s dead
and all I want
is to see his face again

sing on the floor
just once more
out of tune
honeybeeeee
again

I miss my friend
thought we would sing 'till the end

instead

I take care of my mother
try to help her
she won't change

again

I miss my best friend
honeybee
oh honeybeeeeeee

instead

I stopped drinking
gave my time to overthinking
working all day
trying to sleep off the pain
at night

I try
to move past and forward
learn a new song
but I can't help but wonder

where would I be if I could just move forward
faster faster faster
I guess I should slow down
move to a town? nope not gonna happen
I fasten
into my own life
try not to strive for more than I can follow

after
I'm faster
to let myself slow down

I miss my bestfriend
but my feet still touch the ground

I've found
I wont let myself drowned
this time
this time I wont hide

'cause the moments I have
don't have time for pride
deep inside
I find
that if I move faster
then I'll run out of time
Pen Lux Apr 2011
I pull my hair out
I punch my legs
I teach myself how to scream
and think, "calm down. this isn't you."

how long have you been inside?
because I'm just now noticing you.
Pen Lux Apr 2014
over-stimulation
leads to
mis-communication
Pen Lux Dec 2012
buried my love in brittle
bones that wanted exactly what I did.
told my love of the mistakes that consumed
in the blinding rays of rage in which I find myself trapped in.
wanted my love alone so that I could share it
but love that is alone doesn't want to wake up.
spilled out experience
to prove to myself that I could make progress.
spilled out my soul
choked through the heart in my throat
maybe if I could get a good look at what's inside this beating breast
then maybe I could count my breath and remember to inhale
and exhale in each moment.
be conscious of my actions, let my spot lights shine so bright they break,
so that the walls I so carefully built
decay
with the new life
I create.
Pen Lux Oct 2012
forced to wake up
do things for others that I don't want to
not obliged to, feel condemned to.
another persons mistake and I'm pushed to my knees
with a hand slapping at my face trying to get me to eat
out of the other one:
dog food.

of course I can always leave
not that the important ones will chase after me
they'll lay on rooftops to get closer to the stars
enjoy the silence,
the freedom, they had not to shake themselves
it's not an earthquake of a morning
it's slower than a sunrise
perhaps no sleep has been.
night's enchantment has caressed you
softly.
ideas curl around your restless mind,
eyes piercing morning's pallet
with all it has to bare before it's been sought out by others.

dreaming
I am
lost in thought
a parallel universe of myself
this is where beautiful thoughts bury themselves
so as to later reveal what I need
to say or to do next
I am
healing

a force
grows stronger when impatient
insistent and intrusive
my love
is
blind
my love
is
weary
my love
is
endless
it
expands
my love reaches to the tips of your fingers
which scream for embrace
and release.
you want to write
you write
I want to read
I read
no such thing!
procrastination has the gravitational force of an addiction
I'm breeding consequence through my actions
focused on expression
feeling, it's all I can
empathy shocks me
until the lightning rays melt my heart
and my mind becomes somewhat of a battle ground for healing
one hole repaired is another dug
a filling is digested to a semi-satisfactory state
a poison is a temporary cure
continue to feed me
the poison
I'd rather feast on my own self
than grovel for what
evil offers.
again

my love is blind
my love is torture
my love is peace
if I let it be
my love is curious
my love is hiding
my love is wishful
cautious
frightened
yanked
crushed
held
my love is you
my love is the moon
my love is wondering
and wonderful
wants attention.
I want to give my love
without
rejection.

my love is loved.
take it,
you can keep it for as long as you want.
Pen Lux Jul 2011
your friends can see themselves in you.
acoustic verses make me want to puke.
hearing them
in a fraction of exactly what    
                                               you said to me. It looks like
procrastination
in it's finest form.
Pen Lux Feb 2015
pablo took me to school today
"esquella mah nillah"

he shuffles along
like the soundtrack
to my everyday
he sings along
to the movement
like the muscles
& the blood that pumps through my veins
Pen Lux May 2015
seeing myself in the morning
only this one is different
not so lonely
more homely
comfortable
yet, unfamiliar
not so *****
more ****
confident
yet, restless

I want to hold on
to the best of this
lips pressed into
a kiss, one before
and after
another
never ending
it seems
Pen Lux Dec 2017
Drinking only leads
a person into making decisions
a person wouldn't make with a sober mind.
A weakness of character and confidence.
Refuse to be weak.
Stand tall.
Be humble.
Love.
Live in truth.
Embrace the Darkness and the Light which reside in all.
Forgive.
Adapt.
Flux.
Feel!
Heal and be Healed.
Perceive the Now and move Forward.
Look in the Mirror.
Reflect.
Receive.
Process.
Continue.
I recently quit drinking after struggling with the feeling of needing. No one needs. They simply want. I have made the decision that I want to change my life for better. Don't think I'm preaching, this is all for me and anyone who might resonate. It's poetry after all! <3
Pen Lux May 2013
my rhyme schemes
are often best
to be replaced
because you
can't hear me croon
in the afternoon
as I type out my feelings
alone in my room.
I'm thinking of trying to get a few people together to share poetry through youtube videos.
Help all of each other critique
for any of us who wish to speak,
                                            be heard,
                                            help learn.
Pen Lux Feb 2012
perception shift
a swift lift into another dimension.
tangled vines, chord, cord, record each step
to a picnic in the mountains.
the back of this van feels much larger
than my bladder, and my grip on what to say
removed everything I wanted to complain,
this liquid is a drain.

my record at paying attention
is unusually retreating this evening.
lack of thoughts spilled out all over your kitchen floor.
hidden shame in the cheeks of a burning face,
pounding heart faster than pounding drums
so I stick to a hum and try not to walk on the carpet.

trying to be careful
while trying not to care at all
Pen Lux Sep 3
My city exists on the outskirts
Where the conversations chirps
Can't reach me
Prayers for guidance
as my feet tap
  tap
Asking is knocking
While seeking direction
I breathe a little deeper as my heart raises vibration
Can't touch me
As I change directions
Moving through obstacles
Fluid, lucid, no longer ruined
I release my arrow
Refusing cupid
Can't catch me
No longer drinking myself stupid
I soar through the unknown
Flashing my new wings
As proof I've grown
This hermit
steady working
Has some repairing to do at home

In lands not much greener
The grass still grows
Pen Lux May 2013
crisp from the core
cut in half and a bore.

I want some more sand!
I'm tired of cement beneath
the slabs of meat I call feet,
the movement doesn't beat
the heat:
it fuels it.
burning
on my way uphill, the stretch
is between my thighs. Sweat!
this weather is no good for fancy clothes,
I've got pit stains up these hills.
I'd say I'm looking on the bright side, but
it's more of a stare, or perhaps it's the light
that's stalking me, because I can't seem to
escape it!
burning!
this soul is melting through this flesh which
can't let go of winters breath, what once was
afraid to freeze to death wants nothing more
than a cloud or four, to shade their skin from
sinking in.
the rays,
the haze,
the heat begins.

Summer is no enemy,  
Winter is no friend,
all I want is Fall again!
The spring is here,
my nose is rose,
the seeping of color shall spread
ahead,
down and all places around,
it'll push and shove as
my body is covered
in the guilt of not taking
the time to properly supply myself
with sun screen.
Pen Lux Jul 2010
she sat up, screaming, singing her songs
the magazine glued to her face
she wanted to know everything,
she couldn't help being curious;
It's interesting stuff.
She wanted something from everyone,
but it always seemed to turn around on her.
She was upfront about ***,
and her alone time.
Laughing at what the doctor said,
and yelling at the people on the streets.
She'd never believe how fast it went,
her adolescent years.
Her expectations were too high to match,
she was out of her league when it came to those sorts of things.
When she did believe in something,
it was something she made up,
or that you showed her to her face.
She's the kind of girl,
that needs to see it,
and touch it, and feel it.
Pen Lux Apr 2011
I want to see you in this morphed place:
you light fires so well.
Hold me so that I might feel
the words that you're trying to say,
that are so hard to find.

I'll share mine if you share your strings.

There are pieces of your loss.
Some: I want to strangle.
Others: I want to kiss away.

If you need to bleed,
do it on me.
I'll even lick it off.

I'm trying to be what you need
and
I don't even know you.
Pen Lux Aug 2010
I wouldn't say I have a particular type of lover,
and I wouldn't say I always take notice in the beauty of a smile,
sometimes I do,
but it's usually from a ***** mouth.

To think, if our bodies weren't so far apart,
separated by time, distance, clothing,
then maybe something would have happened.

It's hard to face something you've avoided your whole life,
disappointing too.

I've spent the last few weeks loving you like a God,
only to learn that you aren't perfect,
and you will never be mine,
and I'm okay with that.

I need to find myself in this mess before I can hold onto anyone that will last.
Pen Lux Feb 2013
our love is sticky
frosting fingers
and our anger is cinnamon sweat.
Pen Lux Jul 2013
the deep water I believed to be treading through
was mud all along:

bed side table herman hesse
looks up to see one of van goghs, wants to undress
doesn't have a ******, this *** is a mess
she's not surprised
'cause she's a pessimist.

to her loves affairs:

she's keepin' shut
no more love left in her gut
the feelings escaped her through the cuts
one for every lover
she didn't give a ****
don't worry about her wrists
instead she likes to use her fists,
bad throws, punching chains
lets the men drive, fast lanes.
bruises are the names of the faces she misplaced
in her bones where she resides,
it's a pillow that she lies beside.

she's not a trick
she's not a *****,
most feared is to be a bore
so she smiles and speaks,
too much? doesn't grieve.
as long as what she's saying is something to believe.

as long as you're in the mood
to laugh
there's no need
to wear a mask
just leave alone
the aching things
that bring you
beneath
the weight of gravity.

heavy heavy heavy
leave me to my beats

I'll walk the streets

heavy
some more ******* to chill out your eyes to.
what started as a rap that turned into whatever this is.
Pen Lux Jun 2010
If you're going to touch me,
do it slowly.
Your body is what caught me,
and that candy coated kiss.

Our teeth were like cages for words,
and the windshield wipers
killed the static on the radio.

We walked fast in the dark,
afraid someone would **** us.
You disappeared like the whispers
collected in my hand.
When the sound slowly seeped through my fingers,
I realized you were the milk in my bones,
and that death is better if you can't see it.

I just wish I could force you to feel what I do.

It's like we're allergic to ***,
and addicted to *******.
Pen Lux May 29
to be a human
is to hide
but I'm a creature
who soaks in light

feeling light
as I sit in the memories
finding the peace within them
and setting aside what doesn't serve me

the swerve in me
where I didn't think there was
deserving in me
has calmed to a sway
as clouds part open
as my perspective shifts
as spirits lift up
and far out of me

a single soul to dwell within
this vessel of mine in which I can hide
only within the mind, my thoughts
everything within my eyes, my heart
Pen Lux Sep 2015
Headed for the desert where
brown sands and blue skies
hold no traces of my insides.

His loves were his lies
tough and sticky, his words
taffy words, which I would chew
all tangled in my teeth and beginning
to root deeper until his lies were my gospel.

With faith so stubborn it refused to let go,
I began to breed his insanity through
following and repeating, cavities,
bad habits that feel good for
brief moments until you
wake up wanting to
disappear, rewind
or just die, to
forget it.

Headed into the mountains
where towering trees teach me to Stand Tall
and the river tells me to Let Go.

The wind whispering:
                         secrets are for the weak.
                          
Discretion is what creates mystery,
filtering speech is a gift I have yet
to behold for much longer than a
meditation in a crowded room. so
instead of passion, I choose peace.

Headed to downcast weather and
snow littered pavement. Fresh air
and a new enchantment, where I
find opportunities with each inch
that layers upon layers, snow like
onions, skin like ice, onion hearted
peeling and half in the trash, half
in half just barely beating for more
sense of security in adventure and
pulsing and throbbing with the
excitement for the unknown.

patience is peace. patience is peace. patience is peace.
peace is release. peace is release. peace is release.
Pen Lux Apr 2016
for myself
the Yuba's pulse
is that of the scent of coffee
freshly brewed
lightly roasted
early in the morning
in the middle of winter

comfort in the heartbeat
of the community

soon I will drift off
like wood
strong
not seeking
simply floating in the current
rushing through the waves
becoming one with what surrounds me
always floating
nothing will drowned me

Colorado isn't so far away
that my love won't reach those who stay
I'm afraid that I can no longer steep
I'm fresh hot tea, and biscuits!
Ready to eat!

I'm taking a bite of life
to nourish my soul
this valley of grass
no longer my (w)hole!
no longer another day
wishing to move on
it's time to let go
to see a new dawn!

the horizon so bright!
the road awaits my travels
and I await my fate

another day for another friend
no such hurt that love won't mend
I find myself better when I am with myself
so here I go into the world
to feel a new river
smell a new smell
see a sight unknown without fright
no tightening in my stomach
fluttering at best

wings never at rest
sprouting from my back
fueled by my chest
the beating inside
reverberates externally
although my physical being moves
my love for this place, these people
and the land, my love will stand

eternally.
Pen Lux Feb 14
I've seen a different side of me
That I didn't think I could
The one that takes less pride in things
That doesn't numb to shelter feelings
I'm not sure, but hearing his singings
Makes me realize that he is my teaching
No longer reaching for something that I cannot have
I've been sat in reality
But it is no laugh
The truth is something here for me
It's the one thing I can fully grasp
That time has passed
He is my past
I may be tired
But renewed
Feelings held back are no longer subdued
It may sound rude
It may be scary
But the things I must share
Are simply blaring

I've got work to do that's in my past
While I strive for a future beyond an ending
My present is healing
And in it
My silence breaks
Pen Lux Apr 2010
I can feel the colours running
I search for the right words but nothing's coming.

My face is clear,
apart from the burn of a cigarette
and the traces from your finger tips.
This is relationship terminology
and it's tearing a hole inside of me.

Perfectly painted fishes that line your bathroom walls
and the cold yearning of a sinking ship calls.

Now I'm alive,
but some thing's never change
and what I have is incredibly strange.
It's this smile,
it shines and it aches.

Let me run until my feet begin to bleed,
because I have you and that's all I'll ever need.

I don't need something to believe in,
because my only belief is collecting dust,
and the second you cry is the second you start to rust.

We call them lies because they were never true,
and now I'm soaking with the fact that my 8 pound head
is full of over 100 pounds of you.
- From Contagious Energy
Pen Lux Feb 2012
intriguing, yes.
fleeting, yes.
waving hello like a helium balloon taped to a mail box.
flap
     flap
smack!

"Share your body, spread your love."

stumbling while leaning against a wall
your eyes are wider than when we kissed
and it felt worse than saying goodbye,
more than anything
wanting to forget how good it feels
to hold each other
                                                           you push me away.

kiss me, I whine.
your tongue tastes like peppermint slime
oozing words that avoid the intended conclusions of your premises
broken promises   [unspoken, I'm choking].

I'll **** you out before breakfast.

I'm a baby, much older, much younger.
I'll cry myself to sleep.
Pen Lux May 2013
The excitement of not knowing.
Curiosity has got me on my knees;
you are a bundle of learning.

The descriptions in which I dictate thought
are nothing more or less in which the way
you think, and the only difference between us
is the fact that I say them aloud.

Love is loud, yet knowledge is knocking.
Perhaps
touching is feeling, and
knowing is believing.

I find that I strive for more than
which it is that I accept.

Although,
I accept more than what it is that
I wish to accept.
Wishing to attract what's apart from me,
simply because of a few common interactions,
and the comfort it brings.

I love in many ways, some that are destructive,
(which I acknowledge), and others that help me
to breathe, think, write, and speak.

Although others doubt the power which I can share,
I will continue to carelessly be the person which I am.

Willingly trying to give up on being the person which
others tell me I should be, or rather, neglecting the "who"
in which others think I cannot succeed.

Friends are special and sacred,
I find love in all cracks,
and I accept the dark,
settling,
I am.

Love is in all places,
all faces,
all things.

Give yourself up and be,
manifest.
Pen Lux Apr 2014
what is this familiar feeling?

sunlight shines through the sheets
my eyelids too thin to keep shielded,
or dreaming. fast like a Cadillac, ready
to attack the first cup of coffee, the "last"
spliff bowl, confused conversations, heavy
fingers typing carefully, backspace backspace
backspace backspace, erase slowly, think
harder less, heartlessly charmless, bad
luck, wouldn't have guessed this
past-track record would keep
repeating, over and over,
until all sound is lost
except for the tck
tck tck of each
letter, as I
create.
Pen Lux Aug 2022
wasted
I
wasted
so much time

blades of bright green
cutting deep
softened
and
dried up
into soft browns

the sky ceased to weep
a world of sun
blossoming
flowering
drying
and
dying
it's the children who are crying
Pen Lux Sep 2015
blood lines
moon veins
balance in
taking chances
beneath the skin
charging chakras

chanting mantras
demons creeping
loving to taunt us
one mentions two
the placebo begins
so rather than holding
on and sinking in
we're sprouting out
as Fall begins

ancient colors
soft chilled winds
clouds parting
faded sunlight
canopying in

green folds to gold
as brewing stories unfold
every month a holiday
from the first to the end
growing older
repeating habits
writing again
writing until my sins
feel less like sin
and more like progress

progressive evils
tentative friends
nature morphing
surrounding me
a creature again
paling and darkening
Pen Lux May 2010
electric wheel chairs and electric wires in your brain,
blood filled clouds shower on the insane.

unfinished projects pilled in your garage,
the pain in your spine could use a massage.

ribbons glue head to neck,
they connect like a child's
cheek and a mothers' peck.
tiny hands
full of life
and unstructured strokes
soon to be a house
full of unknown smokes.

these lights are painful,
                                                 like cold sores
and it hurts to kiss,
                                                  and it tastes like dirt.

I've read your books and I know your worth,
but now you're discolored, and your heart lost its beat.
and you're freezing, slowly, and becoming a piece of this earth.

I feel so alone, and I miss those beats.

Is it sad
that I can still smell you in the sheets?
Pen Lux Mar 2012
hello
let's talk
take me home
I'll answer him now.
say
goodbye.
we meet again
such excitement would soon paralyze
my mind stretched outward yet
words escape me
in a perfect form.
one to another
feet to head
sleep
eat
see
face to face
lip to lip
to neck
to teeth.
holding
sweetly
wrapping
stretching
rhyming.

same beds
no plans
separate frames
magnetic glue
it's all about the ears, baby.

I didn't do it, wanted to, but didn't.
is it more flattering to be rude than to be polite and never do a thing?
kiss me, light the flame
you ignite me
excite me
entice me.
rewind
and remind me.

you and I have set sail.
Pen Lux Mar 2013
dish water rattling
i want to take my clothes off
my neck is slightly aching
and all thoughts of love come rushing
through my lungs and constrict the position
that I'm placed.
privileged kids with big egos, big brains
heads full of assumptions because of the clothes you wear
or the friends you've made.
and it just so happens that you're one of them,
the strategy to get out of their judgement's alignment
alludes you and you fall into patterns like clay bricks
stacked one on top of the other in a straight row with
no cement between and you're restlessly waiting for them
to tip over and make your escape.

friendship wasn't so much as a license to love
as it was to be stepped on back then.
when the realization occurred in that brain
you framed impatient, the agreement to share
thoughts expired and you gave in to the dreams
you fought to suppress.

I want to undress.

my love is shy but he's all mine
he gets distracted and forgets the time
but look at me,
my love is bold and I am lost to it
I stare at the clock so long
I might as well marry it
oh, **** me please, I just want to carry it
this heart of mine in my chest
no, **** it, I'll just bury it.

if I wrote the things I wanted to say in anger
then I could just crumple them, just like my bones
do when I've jumbled them, and I can't get a grip
with the tip of my lip on your lip,
or
maybe that's the only way I feel I can in some moments.

here I am, killing myself.
don't worry, I'm doing it slowly,
and only slightly on purpose.

keep telling me you're trying,
I don't want to hear you've given up.
Pen Lux Sep 2015
love turns to
want
turns to need
turns to,
"don't talk to me,
please."
hate burns
to dislike turns
to just might,
burns it's black light.

I lost you in the purple hues
of all things we used to do.
I  knew that what I felt was true,
you could see it in my eyes
and feel it in my touch,
I'm being honest
and I think it scares you.
Pen Lux Aug 2012
A mother in one hand
and a child in the other.
Learning love
from giving love,
I don't want to feel any different.

something of a poison enters my perception
and I shift my paradigm.
confidence is key!
I'll let you lock me and shock me
and feed me on my knees until
fear morphs into pleasure.

your ability to open your soul,
all fractions,
some fractured,
others perfectly aligned,
gives me the healing that's been hiding.
so, I send it back in rapid laps,
guiding you through my mind.

the best I can do with translation
is to tell you thoughts exactly as I think them,
decode with tone, and expression. touch you from the heart out
a mental connection, understanding that goes beyond simply understanding.
two thoughts become one.

darkness becomes light
but the colors don't shift.
truth becomes private
it's none of their business, (sorry friends).
help becomes natural
there's no more effort to this repairing
than there is to breathing while you sleep.

my distance holds hands with you, sweetness.
sometimes skin touching skin is never enough,
but just the thought of you brings me complete:
I need no more than what I've already been given,
but I'll accept whatever you send my way, promising
to give you as much and more,
all I can until I'm sore.
Even then I still wont let it stop me.
One foot in the front  of the other,
I'll live moment by moment,
hoping the ones away from you move faster,
so that my feet will meet your feet,
face in front of the other,
your eyes reflect me, and in mine
you look deep and keep looking.
Telling me what you see, I translate
what I can from your observations:
I love you,
but there's so much more to it.
Pen Lux Jan 2013
Rejection stings me like a bee, I'm frightened.
My heart has lost it's wings
condemned to return to its cave of shards.
My weapon has been buried in the leaves that you hid in the forest
And I'm struggling to find a color that matches my insight.
Or have I lost not only what is yours, but what is mine?

Reviving the self that is so desperate to hide
that it does nothing but hide in this pathways struggles.
I'm lost in your ruffles.

Friendship has bounds and the binds are what you're afraid to break.
I'm not alone
if this is a mistake.
All I want is to give in to what helps me create.
You call it lust while I experience it as fate.

I say I want someone to hold me
yet there's something underneath my wanting that you translate.
You show me the fear so clearly that even my communication dissipates.
I can't see what's ahead of me, simply what surrounds me,
and even though half of what I see displeases me, there's no way I can see it releasing me.

I must release myself from this madness, a yielding I'm timid to accept.

You've entered my insight and helped me to extend my mind.
Pen Lux Aug 2022
Is it strange to want to be alone?
to feel so small at home?
to be half alive and soak into your soul?

I've seen myself a million ways
and spent so many more.
I'm so tired of all my thrills being
the completion of another chore.

Yes, I rhyme these days it's true.
Because I've found distraction, and
it might be you. Something pure,
there is no cure. There is a day
I know I will show you.
Let's call it my "day to prove".

The day you learn
that
all my poetry
has been written for you.
heavy minded
Pen Lux Jun 2011
turning
into
the true face                          of surrender
one more week
                          and I'll be home tomorrow.
I've forgotten what it feels like                    to be held
sleeping in tangles of sounds
                                             like chips crunching
like papers being crumbled and thrown
                 like the fear that erputed when I threw your words away.
whatever's torn is torn
me from you
and flavor.                 No, I have not forgotten your favorite things,
or the way you reach for me in sleep.

temptation. desire. temptation. retire.

look forward: I'm barely standing.

breath caught stomach knot last thought of
last words of what's worth of what.
of what?

I know you hate me. hate me.
"hate me!"

it's a religion to breathe in

her words (like honey in my mouth).
"I cry because I love her." and she cries too.
and he shy's away. and he hides his face.

there are storms on every side of you
and wars in each moment
                                        you ignore them:
in trying to find the light, your burns shown through: with worries about
nothing to start with                   and                            nothing to end with.
Pen Lux Jan 2011
Listening to library tapes
in the moist of my breath
and the dry of my lips,
which are cracked
and peeled,
like oranges,
(chocolate ones).

I missed you today,
and every other day,
but I can't get over
the way time passes
and the way I want it:
to stop.

I've stolen words
from every part of you,
and I've hidden them too.
Pen Lux Jul 2010
the only reason she wanted to see you
was so that she could dance in the streets.
she wanted to live forever,
breathing through her nose,
too fat to see her toes.

that's why she was always home,
she was busy eating your weight in butter creams.

she stared at the painting for hours,
wondering why it tried so hard to be serious,
she had spent her life trying to do the opposite,
it was as if they belonged together.

she laughed at the men
with their hands in pots,
and frowns on their faces.

her favorite was the one washing the plate,
he looked so happy with that rag
she wanted them to be wrestlers,
so she could feel adrenaline like she used to,
but she was always asleep when the stars came out,

so she just keeps dreaming.
Pen Lux Apr 2011
dead skin flaking off
the neighbors are fighting again
I can't hear what they're saying
beneath the music I listen to
feeling the chant of addiction
like loops like fruit
like an animal
killing another animal.
or a woman, waiting to hear the
                                                      opening
of a door:
walking out.

the lights are off
"it's because they're broken"
                                             you say
"they're not"

wrapped up
                     in blankets
in sheets                            in water

cut off my arms
                  my legs
and watch me swim.
Pen Lux Apr 2012
a croaking fetus
blessing sneezes
he's here to release us
calls himself: jesus.
Pen Lux Mar 2014
I kept talking
but I couldn't
remember her
name.
how long has it been
since I last saw her?
she's a flower,
wilting in the rain.
I'll gather
the lust for life
she often craves,
stuff them in graves
so she can hide
while she waits
for the sun.
Pen Lux Sep 2015
popular outcasts
    drawing together
only go out in downcast
                weather
        tangled or tethered?

eating energy to release energy
    an expense that tastes good
chewing instead of grinding
   succulent daze leave me
crazed in this maze
   left to digest what's left
of what was supposed to never be
    maybe it was all me trapped
in my own fearful mistakes
     tossing and turning in nightmares
so afraid I dare not wake to reality
   scary, but in a different way
Pen Lux Jun 2014
darkness of the mind
fire in the heart
my desire
is
my destruction

within the forests of my breasted figure
lies a dormant snake
sprouting fear in my dreams
leaving me empty
aside from memories in my wake
all of the blue I once knew
suddenly bursting into flame

it's time to face what I create
a pair of emerald eyes
unblinking-unthinking
another of the deepest mud
unrevealing
no longer feeling
the last
most terrifying & candied eyes
butterscotch & bloodshot
looking upward to the crescent in the sky
seeing new colors
saying
goodbyes

six eyes
on three heads
sprouting from a body
made of
snow
curling crystals
jagged and etched
along the slender creatures form
hunger tries to consume
this beast
"what is love,"
the fire asks,
"save for a wet & bloodied feast?"

the snake uncurls
as if ready to latch on to it's prey
then soon after
bolts away

the heartbeat of fire:
much too loud in it's calmness
to be frightened by
hunting snow
with intentions to consume
such a succulent meat
will the snake evaporate in the heat of desire
or
will the fire be smoking
in it's failure
to catch the slithering beast?

frightened with a calmness
death is in the air
in the stare
of all
six
sick
& wicked eyes

the fire muses
in it's confusion
of what's right or wrong
the hunt is no longer a game
life and death
no longer simply names
realities of fortune
and lacking
just the same
the snow and the ice
too weak to face this flame

predictions of
when the snake melts down
to nothing but water and bones
she'll gather the crusted crystals of desire
she so often used to admire
used to hold
in a heart of stone

a different destiny to behold
if the snake
were to win
the burnt paper of her skin
would
go grey in the wind
no more
flames
no more
spark
heart grown
dark
and weary

what torture could send the snakes tongue
down her throat and lick the flame
into an outrage of misplaced
words
that held nothing save for demands
in those hands
the blood had stained
how much of how little could last
no more of the new
in the end
what is left is
all that has passed

snake and flame
forever
in cycle
recycling their pain
until
neither remain
Pen Lux Dec 2010
Everyone knows you can make eye contact with glass as long as the lines are dark enough.
Lines. Not cracks.
You know the kind of lines that you only stare at because they're actually the scars on the side of a ******* addicts ***.
She talks about how thin she is
and looks down at her naked body
right where my eyes had been lingering throughout our conversation.
the fast paced dribble
seemed to only drain her more
and I couldn't help but listen.

We had the same color hair

She's the only one that caught my eye that night,
she was entertaining
and beautiful
and rotting
in the two feet of distance that kept us from touching.

You could tell by the way she opened the refrigerator door
that she doesn't like to eat,
and the shaking in her hands made you want to ask if she was okay.

Love:

the way the wind opens loose doors
a response whispered from eye to eye
my bleeding finger tips in your mouth
water: earth: fire: air: soaked in poison,
and completely fine.

I shouldn't have to think this hard to say how I feel,
but now that I know that you listen to what I say
I hide and stare at ceilings to avoid confrontation
because even though your back feels good,
I'd like to keep my pockets safe.

you're moonlight at 3am
and clouds inside on a rainy day.
you're a staircase in space
leading nowhere.

I'd rather be a stack of spoons than a pile of forks and knives.
Pen Lux Aug 2012
recycled thoughts
change meaning in the overlap.
try and convince me different,
by forcing yourself to do the same.
it's ambiguity knocking,
you've resonated thoroughly
throughout what's dragged on, kept dragging
and skinned you
       edge-side
-in.

love makes love
in sequence
and in time.

motions and friction
stomach tells secrets
legs fold out laps, and drop them.
burrowing chests, heaving.
can you breathe in this smoke?
or will you exhale it?

you've caught me, intimately
picking my nose, afraid it will bleed.
all alone while you're searching,
I've got the privacy to wipe the blood from my fingers
and think of the shadows you'll check,
and the one's you'll fiend away.
empathy discussions,
what ***** your soul also binds it.

a word.
time,
and too much of it,
wasted,
can't handle it,
feels
absent.
ditched windows,
bent blinds,
hardwood and tile.
cuddled
dogs, sore wrists,
nail-bites.

absence:
when you're not there.
you're
not
there.

step back, or splash!
you are steam,
a stream of heat,
sweating.
talking me up
about talent,
talking me silent,
and happy.

I'm caught up in this silence,
so comfortable.
keep me silent, or I'll keep talking.
Pen Lux Dec 2020
I was bored and lonely
wanted to be like everyone else
be liked by people
love and be loved
**** and get ******

something about getting kicked out of the house
really brings a new meaning to the term
"rock&roll"
sleeping on the streets
it's not so easy to forgive
the people
who gave you so many chances
the people
who had finally had enough
I know I know
I left because I felt like I needed to truly experience
the worst of the worst to then be able to truly experience
the best of the BEST
"the world is my oyster," I think is how the saying goes?
well ****, I've never even seen an oyster
and I hate the smell of the ocean
(I mean really people? you like that?)
anyway...

I have learned that if you plant a seed, it will grow
seeds as in vegetables
but also seeds as in
metaphorical seeds
the seed that I had planted in my mind
and committed to was for
truly understanding what my favorite writers had gone through
and talked about in their works.
I felt that if I experienced it,
truly,
then perhaps I could understand,
fully.

I have felt what it is like to be
more empty than empty.
the words broken and shattered
couldn't even come close enough to reach my shadow.
there were no words to describe
what I was going through at the time.
I was too busy dying
to write.
Now, I'm getting busy living
to write.
Now, I must write.

I had my hurrahs and my hooray's
but it's back to the pages and the books
and the games
and the food
and bringing myself home.
To the place I can call home.
where I can create.

Back to the poetry,
as I back away from my demons.

you know they call it spirit for a reason?
you know they call them spirits for a reason?

the drinking
the drugs
the cigarettes
the lovers
lost friends
cold nights
hard nights
frightened yet still
confident

It takes time to  
come back to
yourself
                               after trying to lose
(and most of the time succeeding)
                                                           yourself.

I've done a 180.
Never want to leave.

I'm home.
Pen Lux Dec 2014
reflections: fantasy is a mystery
                           &   reality holds true beauty
becoming human
the transformation from creature
                                            to woman
this existence is persistently assisting me
as my spine straightens and I grow up
an intellectual with spirit and heart
a conscious awareness for each living
creature, person, plant...
the movement of the world
time, space, distance through wind
a lack of gravity and thin layers
to travel into new skin, new motives
creating new memories to outshine
the grime
just something that came before class
Pen Lux Sep 2015
if our first kiss
was my last kiss
I'm not sure if
I would miss
the others
anymore
sinking
feelings
nothing more
more sore
or worn out from the throw of it
the bend and shortly following
the snap
snapping back into reality
back into myself
ego fully shattered
from receiving decent help
from my God
whichever one...
you believe or disbelieve
doesn't mean a thing to me
whole
completed
alone through the thick
and the thin of it
my backs
backed tight
and I'm starting to get
a hold of it
feeling the mold of it
moist clay
not so gentle and fragile
when it's dry
it's bound to break
so here's a thank
you
for all that you do
all you don't do
and whatever
we do together
never better
at least it
no longer aches
when we're apart
shattered heart no longer glaring
simply healing in it's staring
good night
slow and steady
good morning

are you ready for the day?
stop expecting
start projecting

-stream of consciousness write-
inspiration in a hurry
Pen Lux Aug 2015
it's nice to find
satisfaction
in hoping

it's nice to feel
my mind
opening

it's nice to see
a path
constructing

it's nice to know
everything
is fluxing

it's nice to be
me
and nobody else

it's nice to
finally
love myself
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