Always say “I love you”
Before hanging up the phone,
Or she will call you back
And ask why you didn't say it
Seems silly, but it's urgent
You need to know
That she always needs to hear it
Put her at the top of your list
Even if you are not at the top of hers
It's worth it
She's worth it
And always will be,
Tell her she's lovely
On the night she drinks too much
When her iceburg eyes
Melts into a Titanic sized sorrow
Show her love then
Even if she won't remember it
Don't let her fire dim
Or it will burn,
On the nights where your empty cavity
Of a chest misses
What was the best to me,
I hope will be your best, too
She's the most beautiful
Of all blessed messes,
That you don't need to clean-
No, her scars and her travesty
Is beautiful and she will color you
Even if you are pale
And unclean-
Love her today
Tomorrow
And every moment in between
Don't ever let her down,
Or end up like me
Wishing I said
“I love you”
The last time I talked to her on the phone
Because this time she didn't call back
And ask why
I didn't

My addiction likes to play games with me

I try to hide, but it seeks me

On every occasion, or party

I want to just stay home-

***** it out with a pillow

Till it stops breathing

As I watch too much TV,

Count the drinks on the screen

Like counting sheep

3 pints of *****

2 beers

1 shot of whiskey

I feel myself changing

Between shifts, with no breaks in between

Some work overtime, I hear my addiction breathing-

3 PINTS OF *****

2 BEERS

1 SHOT OF WHISKEY

I would tell you all about it

But it’s a long story,

All guts and no glory

I can only talk about it when I’m drunk

On too early of a morning

Or when my eyes are stuck

On a ceiling fan, when I spin with the room

Words are fluid- like, they used to be

Now my lips are a broken cocoon

The words die behind a prison of teeth

Just old ideas, dead memories

That no one needs to hear or see

Sorry I won’t be seeing you at any parties

Sorry I won’t spill my guts for free

Or wait for you to wave to me

Hit me with the “how are you doing?”
    
Its not that I want to hide from you,

But my anxiety is looking for bullet wounds

Addiction hides in the skin

Of the people across the room

They have been shooting looks at me,

Every eye blinking my direction is lightning

Its striking me; how frightening

How fragile I can be, I’m sorry

Maybe that’s why

I plug myself into a wall

I stitch my mouth shut

And scream through the keyboard

Because I don’t want you to stop reading,

Or stop listening,

Just because

You don’t see me

At parties

My dad told me when you quit drinking
You finally hear the birds sing
On chirping mornings or dimming evenings
That will now be remembered
Every January through December, from here on out
Now I count every rose petal and press them in books
Jumping onto roofs, but not jumping off them
No more praying on cold bathroom floors
Finally live up to all the promises I made
When I was nothing but a shaking core
Who didn’t ask for help, but begged
To hear the birds again

I have dyed my hair a lot of colors-

It has been red with anger,
A statement of rage; symbol of fire,
I spent my days with my head in the sink
Putting out my hot-headed thinking
Choking on red water
And my own way of breathing,
When I was tugged on like a false alarm
Meaningless, and loud
A vibrant call for help
And I wore it proud

It has been blue with calm dignity,
When the days were easier,
When happiness was free
I remember how quickly the blue bled to green
That was okay with me,
I loved music and breathing,
And drinking beers on city streets
I was colorful graffiti
It was more of a fleeting feeling
Of matching the sky and the sea
Back when I wanted the world
To look at me


It has been violet in the violent hours,
I remember magenta showers
And tear stained smoke breaks
When the city never slept, always awake
Humming with the traffic on the freeway
In a car with friends and a future before us
Though my skin was a tight blanket-
I felt a smile beneath a purple forest
Where happiness tugged on my cheeks
And I wanted to believe in everything
Everyone believed in me, too

It has been black on the silent days
Somewhere between indecision
And bad taste; a dark fate  
Suffocating beneath a blank sheet
While I was recollecting
The lost and bleak pieces of me
That were almost swallowing me whole
I almost fell into the black hole
I painted myself as
It is much too dark now,
For the colors I so loved
They won’t be coming back

But lately, I returned to my natural state
To see how the brown curls will fall
Like branches on my growing shoulders,
Going back to my roots,
No more drowning myself in bathroom sinks
Looking for myself at the bottom
In colors that could not define me
I am sorry to myself for hiding
Who I am supposed to be
All those colors will always exist
In some place inside of me

But I wonder what my new colors
Will be

They want me to beg
To kiss their foul mouths
But I am too special
To be a free-for-all
I have been stretched so far
You can't even see me
Tired or handing out love
Like charity, out of disparity
I want my heart to be treated
Like the rarity it is
Is it fair of me?
No

I would toss you out of the ring,
If it meant less pain for me,
It is selfish way to survive
But it's mine,
Maybe I am the bad guy
You claimed I so was,
I am doing this because
I need to be kind
To myself
When
You
Are
Unkind

Sometimes my heart is a sinking ship
But I am stronger than the Titanic