Paul Wonderful Apr 13

fucking shit no, fucking forget it

Giving less and less of a fuck
Still loving it

I'm so selfish
I will love you to the end of time
Just for my own bloody enjoyment
Not caring shit if you love me back at this point
or not.
Because I know you will
That is my selfishness
You cant protect yourself against this tidal wave
This Monsoon
This Tsunami
I wish I wasnt this selfish
I wish I could let you decide
And that is what I love about you
That I know I am wrong about
How strong I am.

I wrote you a poem
It might be good
It might be bad
It might be pathetic
It might be sad
But I hope you think it is wonderful.

I have to forgive you a thousand times for breaking my heart.
I pray you will find someone that will understand you and love you more than I would and could.
But you are a smart girl, maybe it will be easy for you. I hope so.
Godd, I hate how formal I get.
I wish I could scream, curse you out, tell you all the awful things that I don't feel.
all that will be left is a hole of wonder what could have been.
a hole I wanted to step through, but instead just will linger somewhere above my head, blocking the sun.
all the what if's.
I'm not sure if that is preferred to breaking my heart later.
How do you know which is worse?
young hearts mend fast, old hearts... dont always work the same way.
but you are a selfish girl, with all your right to be, protecting your own heart.
and I love you for it.
one day
you come back.
and if you don't...
then you don't...
and I will, or will not, wait for you

I'm tired.
So many life times.
Of the same repeated pattern.
I thought this time...
I hoped.
But the food is still behind the glass, untouchable.

Don't break my heart.
Change your mind.
Let me love you.
Even if it just turns out to be an internet fling.
Or less.
Or more.

I'll tell you why I love you, since you don't believe me.
using the word "love" here in it's widest sense, since obviously this is not love but infatuation.
I could love you though.
that is what fascinates me.
that strong undercurrent of meeting someone you just can't help but love them for all they are.
and I let me get swept with it.
and I told you so.
and I don't mind the risk of drowning.
I learned to swim quite well.
it is like telling a surfer
to not engage with the biggest most beautiful wave he will ever see in his whole life time.
some listen, and wonder, forever.
some surf.

I love that
you want to laugh at serious moments
I love that you cry.
I love that you sing.
I love that you dance.
I want to cry with you.
I want to sing with you, although I probably will sound awful.
I want to dance with you, and laugh at you stepping on my toes.
I want to laugh with you.
I think you have an incredible strength, wisdom, depth, you dont even see.

I love that
you have answers
as well as I have your answers
that you ask
even though you are weary of the answers
that you have this
your mind...
your carefulness.
your longing.
for a normal life.
where you are ... normal ... when you are special?

it's hard to pin point
why I like you so much
I love
that you see where others are so blind
That you walk these corridors of life alone, wondering why you are alone, wondering what door you should choose to step through, wondering why you are alone and why there is no one lasting in this corridor to ask.
being fully aware of that it was your choice.
being this careful to wait until the right door opens
where there used to be just a wall.
but you knew
there was more.

I love
that you have
something I understand
while still trying to understand it
as I try to understand why the sun is warm.
why your deep well's water is delicious.
why your big waves are enticing.
why the clear air that is you is preferred from the burnt earth of regular minds.
why the stone shaped by waters is soft while hard.

I know I make little sense.
That is what it is.
A question that keeps on asking.
Something wanting more.
Me wanting more.
Of you.

My friend I talked to
yesterday for 3 hrs
that told me to let it be
since you don't feel the same
or want the same
or want to protect my heart
and yours
that conversation, plus the trains I kept hearing all through the night, the long long train whistels
it was not a too good of a sleep
but 3 in the morning I did not feel like getting up so I kept trying to cram in a bit more sleep.
my hurt face acing slightly
I woke up at 7
and I was at a new state in my heart
I was over you, for that moment of my life
at least thats how I thought
although I knew I was just temporary fooling myself.
and yes, talking to you
I fell in love again, against

anyway, that was not what I wanted to say.
the other night, I wanted to talk to him,
next day he contacted me on fb
we have not talked in a long time
but we are still connected,
as I have been
with some people in my life

as we, you and I, are as well

you came back to me on fb
the night after I had
written a long poem
starting as something else
but ending up being
about you
to you.

every line repeated.
every line repeated.
always like a mantra.
almost like a mantra.

it was unexpected
still I was not surprised.
I was happily shocked.
still knowing that it likely would not last.
still hoping it would, against all odds
break the mold

still counting the days you broke with me the first time.

you decide.

I know.
My imaginary picture of you is not what it really is.
what you really are.
your smell might be awful.
your laugh might annoy me.
your kindness might be reserved for online temporary contacts.
your depth might be just something I imagined.
and I might be so much more and so much less than what you think you see.
I've been fooled before
But I guess that is also
how I learned to see what is true.

now I finally understand why I fell for you

you are true.

idk what happened.

yes you do Paul.
you know very well that you scare the shit out of people
and now you have a bruised face to show for it.

but the other guy probably looks worse.

but you have a bruised face. good job, right? fun to walk around with

yeah, I know, plus I have to watch my back now probably.
I don't even remember why he wanted to jump me.
maybe I shouldn't have jumped him first.

he would have killed you, gladly, if you hadn't jumped him first

see, this is why I don't go out much any more. I understand peoples heads too much, like the sun understands.

and people like living in the dark. where things are hidden.

and now you got a bruised face

yeah... could probably have handled that better.
at least I didn't die, right?

waking up
feeling with my fingers
the damage
before looking in the mirror
a little bit of swollen lips
a light burning sensation on the side of my head
its ugly, it has some scrape marks, I probably hit the ground at some time
but it will heal in a few days
nose swollen but not bad
hopefully I'll get out of this without a black eye.
I hate when you get a black eye two days later, and it sticks around like a bad pimple for weeks.

I took a walk today
bought some beer
and a whiskey
I think I will stay home the rest of this weekend.

I can get scary
about people
and they think I am this soft sweet understanding pillar
that easily can be

but you don't move a pillar
the pillar fights back
and it will fall and crush you

Or I'm the fool
thinking of myself
as a pillar.

I am a fool.

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