He said…
Other guys go out to play cards
Other guys go out to the bars

I tried to say no
Without starting a fight

He wanted to feel like he could go anywhere
He said I was his ball and chain as he left


Finally the pieces fit the puzzle
It made sense

Now I understand
This series of unfortunate events

I didn’t know what else to do
All I know is…

Misery loves company
That’s why I left you

A Mother’s love never changes
No matter how life rearranges
While on earth
We must cherish its worth
When she is gone
Yes, life goes on
She just sends her love
From above
She is always with you
You need only look within
Her words, no longer heard
Are speaking to your soul
Completing the circle
Making it whole
The gap closed with her Mother
And her Mother before
It’s a legacy of love
We Mothers pass along
Listen…
You will hear it on the wind
In your children’s voices
In the deepest quiet
In the loudest riot
Crystal clear
Ever near
Listen...
You will hear
I love you
My dear
~~~
Mother

When you put your hand upon my face
I was transported to a safe place
It helped me come to realize
I had so much pain to erase
But I wasn’t alone…
I drew strength from your touch
Your kindness meant so much
It came from your heart
And went straight to my soul
Making a connection showing me how
To win back my life
To take back control
But I didn’t miss
The wistful look in your eyes
It came as no surprise
As if to say:
“Another time
Another place
Your hand upon my face
No pain to erase
Wondering
What might have been….”

For the PAST
Let mistakes fade
May they be forgotten
Debts marked paid
At long last…

For the PRESENT
Hold tight my hand
Together we now stand
United as one
At long last…

For the FUTURE
Bright, shiny and clear
Hold and keep me near
Forever love found
At long last…

The die is cast
Love steady and fast
Life in the PRESENT
Eyes on the FUTURE
No regrets of the PAST

At long last…

Kids playing in the piles of leaves
That parents had just raked that day
The trees proudly share their leaves
On this lovely Autumn day
You can hear the crunching beneath
As the leaves get older and dry
There is sadness as leaves hit the ground
A part of the life cycle in nature
This has been happening since the beginning of time
In solace leaves know they will return in sequence
After winter, spring and summer have gone
They will live on as they meet in passing
A gift from mother earth
A promise that there is a new beginning
Every season day month and year

Confused
Should I sleep all day?
‘Cause I didn’t sleep last night
Midnight
1:00 o’clock
2:00 o’clock
3:00 o’clock
4:00 o’clock
Then more
Watched the dawn break
Then fall asleep
Now caught in a quandary
Will I sleep tonight?
Should I even try?
All over again
Confused

It feels like one part of my brain is fighting the other
To win control and claim my sanity
It shouldn’t be that way

Broken people can’t help each other
They tear apart the love
Causing more damage
To the heart
To the soul
They end up broken together




Scattered Thoughts 2021
August 5, 2021
Pat LeDuc

I sent a Valentine’s Day card to a friend
Filled with get well wishes…
Hoping she was on the mend
I sealed it with heart stickers
On the envelope flap

Got my mail today
And what did I see?
Familiar hearts stickers
On the envelope flap

I thought it was from her
But it was not to be

DECEASED?
I cried
No not her

RETURN TO SENDER?
I didn’t know
How could that be?

UNABLE TO FORWARD?
What do you mean?
Don’t angels get mail?

If I tell you my need
Will you make my heart plead?
Or…will you finally concede
In love we are freed
From our old ways
Sad days, fights and frays
I have to tell you the truth
To that I am bound
My love was once lost
Now it is found
Do we agree?

It’s the anniversary of her death
I am reminded of it every year
Not so much by the calendar
But by my internal clock of pain
You remember the place
You remember the time
Her look of final peace
Our mother
Our monster
We lived our lives in hell
For all of her drunken antics
We were the ones to feel the pain
She drank
…We suffered
As children we never understood her demons
Did she love us?
Why did she hurt us?
What did we do to make her act this way?
We were innocent
Frightened young souls
Doomed to grow up
Broken…
Shattered…
Pieces scattered throughout our lives
Never knowing how to be whole.
You would have been a hundred this year if you had lived
We have grown to forgive you
Finally finding our place in this world
On our own…
We made it to the other side
So
Farewell Isabelle
You did the best you could

Patty LeDuc
February 4, 2019
Scattered Thoughts 2019
(In memory of Isabelle Krumm)

You abruptly say you are leaving
I stare stunned
Eyes averted unbelieving
I drop to my knees
Heart broken and grieving
Thoughts of loss and pain
Run through my brain
Misery
Loss
Rejection
Are weaving
Into my life again
You seem Hell bent on leaving
I guess looks are deceiving
You looked so content
But you say your love is gone
And you don’t know where it went?
You are going to leave me broken and bent
What is the reason you are giving?
Whatever it is
I am shaken to the core
Stunned I watch
As you pack your stuff
I beg and say
Enough, enough
Our love was Heaven sent
What happened?
What did I miss?
A subtle change?
In your touch?
In your kiss?
Is that all out love meant?
You are declaring us over
Hell Bent?
Or
Heaven Sent?

I realized a mistake was made
The moment the music played
Emotions, conditions, circumstances
Were not thoroughly weighed
But the piper was paid
Vows said…that
Should have been delayed
A curse on a heart betrayed…

His true nature had yet to show
Ugliness, anger began to grow
Uncharted emotions began to flow
Brewing on the surface...
And just slightly below…

This relationship
Came on too soon
On a crooked clock
Broken slightly past noon
This was supposed to be
The time of my life?
I should have said no

But…
How was I to know?

You were born too soon
I was a fixture in the Pediatric ICU
Being alone with no one to share my fears was unbearable
So, I prayed day and night for my baby daughter
But it wasn’t meant to be
When your precious breath no longer could be felt
I cradled you to my *****
Your eyes closed forever
I held you until the end
I swelled with fear
Would I ever find peace?
Yes…
Her life will mean something
Her eyes will see again
Her heart will beat again
Some child will be made whole
To save another mother the pain of losing a child
If only you knew.…you were so loved
Softly the words came to my heart

~I knew Mommy I knew~

If You Are Mine

I want to be the magic in your life
I want to be the best for you
I want you to sparkle
I want you to shine
You will
If
You
Are
Mine
I want to give you shades of color never seen before
I want to give you highlights of love so bright
That I am on your mind day and night
I want you to shine
You will
If
You
Are
Mine

I want to give you white hot passion, purity in forgiving
I want to give you a reason for living
I want to give you a love worth giving
I want you to shine
You will
If
You
Are
Mine

I want to give you friendship on fire
I want to give you a love so fine
I want to give you my desire
I want you to shine
You will
If
You
Are
Mine

I fall apart
Frozen in awe
Seeing the beauty as it hits
My arms parted to feel the whole of my being.
I am washed of pain and heartbreak
That I will never have again.
I stand free for all to behold
As this heart has been given
Another chance…

I can’t get up it hurts my ****
My knees go out I start to weep
I can’t stay awake
I can’t go to sleep
I’ve done what I can
So now I count sheep

My circuits are crossed
I stay home all day
With nothing to say
I’m lost and alone
So this is my life?
But at what cost?

My mental health is up for grabs
I am bipolar and it plays tricks on me
Sometime I fly more times I fall
So this is my life
I don’t want to play anymore

I take my meds as I should
Sometimes they work
Sometimes no more
Then I spiral down
To dwell in my hell
No one notices.
No one to tell

Don’t remember today
But remember the past
My apartment is not a house
Nor is it a home
So I am alone so alone

Try to read a book
But the words run away
I wonder what they have to say
I’m going shopping at the bipolar store
I need an upgrade but I won’t find it there

I wait by my door
My head between my knees
Hands on my face
My eyes flowing with tears
Rocking and rocking trying to pray
No answers to unasked questions today

I think I think not sure what to say
So low so low with nowhere to go
Shake and let the butterflies out
No room for them in my brain
Pulling my hair just to feel pain
Fresh unfettered scars remain

In my bathrobe I lay
In my bathrobe I stay
Not getting dressed
No reason to care

My door will not open
It is no longer there

Wait... I can go no further

My "time" is no longer mine
My "heart" is no longer mine
My "mind" is no longer mine

The sun never rises in my lost world
There was a time and a place
Where I was whole and had a face
My existence was recognized

Once a real person…on the road to life
Now a person on the long road to hell
Lost between worlds time and space

Not in my "time"
Not in my "heart"
But in my "mind"

I can be free
It all starts with me

My Mind is on the other side of Your soul
The one you think you can control
Your soul is a noxious ghoul
Hiding in that foul waste
I see through your face
I know
Of your tremendous deceit
You create chaos
So you won’t be found
Yet there you are
Peeking around
Breaking in to my mind
So that I will never find

~My way alone~