I think it will take me a long time to ever truly trust someone again.

Including myself.

I didn't start living until 15 days ago.
Hopped on a plane across the world, fueled by hope and thrill, visiting countless countries, famous cities, small towns, pub prowls, tattooed and brand new perspective.
It's quite different than it used to be.
Plagued by disease, wrecked memories, hard to wash stains off child brain, proaction, retraction, all too young to act on desires.
But now I feel I have purpose.
Because when I stress it's not about failing expectations, reality weighs in, search for places to stay in, transportation, learn new languages, survival depends on my eustress now.
And no one can bring me down.

My hope swirls black
Clouds, back and forth
And back, they grasp
My throat, my hope
Morphed into attack
On my soul, panic
Raids the homes of my
Whole range of emotions
Commotion stirs inside:
My heart, throbs like a
Wound; My lungs reach
For air, but lose; leave
Me to suffocate, please
My hope is gone, please
End my constant pain
The tiring waning of
Survival on its tip-toes
Tripping me, I fall
So often
Without getting up.

No one gets it
Is an understatement
Because even the people that do
Interpret it different than you
Leaving you lonely
Wherever you go there's
That lingering feeling
That reminds you you're not
okay
And you might never be

So they try to teach you
That that's okay,
That your life can be taken away
Just like that and everybody
You know will continue
To live on without you
But your body won't make it
Your mind will break by
The time everyone's lives start

I'm already broken, stop.

So go tell me it's all okay
That I won't wake up one day,
That's lately what they all say.

Tired
Lost
Confused
Defeated.

My insides are rotting
My veins are clogging
My heart keeps stopping
My brain is screaming

Dissociate to escape
But it's not enough
Doesn't take away
Tough reality

Hitting my head
Wishing to be dead
Dissociate permanently

Tired of having
A gun against my neck
Please pull the trigger
I just want to be dead.

someone, something
please help me

It's when it gets to the point
Where my mind's callin the shots
And my feet just won't stay still
And disorder is my thoughts

Where I'm waiting on the ledge
I line my feet along the edge
And peek down the little drop
Distancing bottom from top

And my right foot won't stop tapping
Every bad thought's overlapping
My saddest side just won't stop laughing
My cowardice begins to lack and





As I jumped I saw the sun shine
Parallel views of my own eyes
Resting in the blue cracks lies
Content I never had tried.

What's more important?
The love of yourself,
Or the love of someone else?

I gaze on the                                I shut my eyes                            The Air cools me;
half yellow half                             Hands shield                              a contrast to the
black                                           my Ears weakly;                        warmth which
panels stacked                             I still hear the                             travels playfully
but separated                              Useless fights                             across my face
standing in the                             erupting due to                           before leaving
face of my                                   rampant emotion                        a smoke trail
bedroom window.                       on friday nights.                   out my window

I don't want to **** myself;
but sometimes I think
you want me to.