It will break you, challenge you, shape you.

It will rip your heart out and devour it, ***** it back up and serve it to you for dinner.

It will twist your mind and make you question your sanity, your intentions, and your morals.

It will leave you on a street corner begging for a ride or curled up on your bathroom floor with a half empty bottle of gin.

He said "It feels like I'm dying"
I replied "Part of your heart that you gave away is dying. A piece of you is decaying. A vital ***** is suffering.
But you will live. You will grow. Then you will love again".

I bet you wonder if you’re in it
Is there a mention of all your monsters?
There might be.
But then again,
Maybe that one poem you thought was about you
Wasn’t about you.
Maybe you’ve actually faded from my memory and become irrelevant.
But that’s your deepest fear, isn’t it?
Not of what you’ll read about yourself
But what you may not find

I still hear your voice in my ear late at night
I sometimes feel your lips against my lips
Your fingers gently massaging between my legs,
Your waist pressed against my hips

I'm half asleep feeling your presence
Drifting towards you through your whisper
Somewhere in between my reality and my dreams
You seem to always linger

I traded in my crucifix to run away with a man
The life of a rebel
My life with a criminal
Battling my conscience with the devil
Second guessing & rethinking my ways
Freedom tastes so sweet
But is the price worth the pay?
My skin burns as my religion renounces me
Yet my heart beats to his drum
Sins and all
Loving him is a guilty liberation
A brutal descent, a satisfying fall

My happiest moments with you
Are when we're together in my dreams
Please let me go so I may be with you there
Here as I face you, you can't stand me.
The man I once fell for held me with passion
To this day he's gentle with his touch
I wake up to you and encounter a wreckage,
A combination of hatred and lust.

I was a doll to you
Collecting dust on your shelf
Sitting pretty all day, watching you
Smiling. Happy to be yours.

I was just a trophy
An item you collected and were proud to win
Amongst your other gold medals I stood
I felt like an important milestone in your life
Until the moment I started to feel like just another piece of plastic

Out of all subjects of love my dear,
You are my favorite.

These words are all that I have
They can always be recited
But never replicated
They are what make me orginal

I always find the good in you
Even when I don't want to find you at all

This pattern... These signs,
I've seen them before
Didn't I JUST go through this
Twice before?
Didn't I JUST leave someone
Who was exactly the same
And I told myself I wouldn't ever
Let myself fall again for that game...
Didn't I just become single?
And didn't I cry on my pillow for weeks?
Because I turned out to be less to someone else
Than what he was to me...
And didn't I just pick myself back up
And for what? To fall again?
Girl, get you're head on straight-
You're way better than these men!
They play these games with your head
And they will do nothing but burn you
You tell yourself each one of them is different
But that has yet to be true.
You give them chance after chance
And they take you for granted
They misuse your kindness and your love and
Chasing after their truth leaves you distracted.
You don't need another heart break right now
Leave this guy fast!
You will regret it if you don't
Just like the last.

I want the kind of love from you that makes me question every thing I thought I knew about love. The kind that makes you realize that you've never felt something so real and pure.

I want to know you better than anyone has ever known you. I want to know what makes you cry and what your first thought is when you wake up. Before you even open your eyes. I want you to wake me up at 3am just to tell me an idea you have.

I want to hear about your worst day and what would make a perfect one. I want to know what you see when you look in the mirror and if you've ever felt guilt that made you question yourself.

I want to relive your happiest moments with you. I want to understand your sadness and listen to your voice change as you relive your past experiences.

I want you to feel vulnerable with me and be okay with it. Because I want you to trust me enough with your deepest thoughts and feelings. Take me somewhere emotionally that you've never taken another woman.

And in return, I will give you the same. I believe in that moment we will have found something untouchable. Unimaginable. And unexplainable.

The one who did very little & the one who did it all
Had one thing in common
The girl who made each feel like he was not enough

So little does the outside world see
Of the girl that I know to be me
Of the girl who seems perfect in every way
Who appears so flawless and in such array

So little does the outside person know
That I too fight demons that do not show
That I do see myself in the mirror and want to cry
Because the girl I see is not who you see outside
The girl that I see is messy and lost
She struggles with self image whether you believe that or not
She chooses actions carefully although they seem so effortless
Her insecure comments and remarks are heard as cleverness
Although her love runs deep, his love will always run shallow
And he toys with her emotions because she is young and she is callow

But so little does the outside world know of her soul
Because as she appears is not the story at all.

I let him in. I soaked all of him in. I felt the love in my heart and the obsession on my skin.

I felt his heart seep into me. I let him take hold of me. He told me I could let go, that he would always catch me.

I believed a man whose words were softer than clouds. His love spoke aloud. He tied me blind folded to a chair from the neck down.

I trusted him more than I knew I had. I thought I was so deeply in love with this man. And yet he never seemed to love me back.

After all, what is a love that abuses your soul. That rapes you of the truth and leaves you un-whole. A love that steals your warmth as you lay cold.

You believe you are smarter than I. For fooling me so many times. For cheating your way through this innocent heart of mine. You ran through me with knives and escaped out the other side. Untouched, unaffected, invincible.

I am ashamed that I was so easily fooled. That I thought you as loving, but you turned out to be cruel.

You were an artist indeed, but your instrument is not your own. You play off of others and yet they do not know. The true artwork is in the end result. When you walked away and I became the stronger individual.

I remember the rainy night I showed up on your door step begging for answers

It was 2 years later and I cried like it was yesterday

You invited me in and even though I hated you, in I walked

I remember feeling brave
I remember feeling broken, shattered
I remember how easily you brushed my tears off
But you acknowledged how **** I was
Such causality
And I wondered why you had asked me inside with no feeling of remorse.

I left shortly thereafter with fewer answers than I came with
I left with the feeling of regret all over again like a fresh coat of paint

But something happened that night
Somewhere between following you from room to room
Talking about insignificant memories
You reminded me that people move on
You reminded me how sometimes strength is a deep rooted pain, disguised.
And in that night I learned that I don't want your excuses after all
Even if you had any to give.

You group circumstances together as one whole
While I separate them all out
You see people as black and white (metaphorically)
While I give each the benefit of the doubt

I see grey in a colorful world
While you see what you desire most
Two beautiful individual people, is who we are
Who were raised on opposite coasts

While you've seen the light and the dark
For the most part you've lived good
While I too have seen the light and the dark
For the most part I've lived misunderstood

We collide and we crash
Because our minds work in different ways
And all I really want is for you to fight to be here
Every time I push you away

Can't you see that I just want your hand?
There's not another soul that I'm tied to more...
I often wish you would just hold me in these times
Rather than erupting another war.

To be a hero to someone
There will always be a villain found in you
By someone else -

You asked me to listen
But all I see are your lips moving
All I think of is your tongue
The places I would rather it be right now
Shhh. Shut up, I'm listening..
To my own thoughts.

I want to be one with you.
Like a flower rising each day
Extending its leafy arms to the universe
Chin aimed high, hair flowing with the breeze,
And when you pick me I wish to remain in your hands until you take your last breath.
Pick me and I will thrive within your palms
I will not shrivel like the rest.
My roots will find a way into your heart
And there I will find peace.
I will find goodness and wholesomeness,
And you should see me every day and smile.
I will bring you hope.
I will bring you happiness.
I can imagine that this is what it would feel like to be one with you.

It used to hurt... Letting go...
But I guess I've become numb to it,
When u say goodbye to love so much
You kind of just get used to it.
I can't let myself keep taking the hit
For another runaway love
I allow myself the day to cry,
Then the next day to adjust.
I'll drown myself intentionally
In the sadness of my thoughts
For one day I am depressed,
So the next I may move on.
Time may heal the sadness
But my mind must endure the torture
I see us and our memories
Playing over and over.
In my dreams when I'm sleeping
I see us in a fantasy world
Where you stay in love with me forever
And I get to be your girl.
A life we may never live fully,
So I'll just have to make do
But I must admit I'm a little upset
For falling so deeply in love with you.
You caught me off guard with your piercing eyes
And with that look that you gave me,
I had never felt so naked in public
As you stared right through me.
Little by little you stole my heart
With every deliberate move you made,
I so quickly embraced you,
Not thinking about being afraid.
I tried not to think of the end,
I hoped there wouldn't be one
Even though realistically I knew
I would eventually lose someone.
Truth is I hoped it wouldn't be you
I was kind of thinking we had a chance
Was I wrong to risk it all
And fall in love at first glance..?

He was my light
In my world of haze
In this town I ran and ran, desperate for a way out
In this fancy house that echoes when I breathe  
In this life where I sold my soul searching for love
And then there was you

She was my light
In my world of midnight
In my city smothered by smoke
In this crack house barely standing on Grand Ave
In this life where I hustled because love is for fools
But then there was you

He splashed my brain with *******
She cracked through my barrier with her purity
He filled my days with something real, something I could touch
She stayed for laughter, she stayed for love
We collided and we became a dominate force.

I don’t wear the ring anymore
But I kept it
It reminds me of destructive youth
Of broken promises
Believed lies
Long nights
A circle of fights

You may not understand
Why it sits in my dresser
Pushed around
Sinking further and further to the bottom
Used and tossed aside

But I will tell you why
Because it’s a symbol of what I was to you
And I never want to forget that
Even if you forgot that.

You loved me once
But I buried that in the dirt
In the junk yard behind my fence
Where forgotten things commingle with hurt
It's a perfect image of us
All along, this has been our apparent fate
You'll forever be the junk in that yard
But I refuse to be another girl living with your pain.

What if I told you the pain was heavier than the pleasure

Would you still find a gem in my soul to treasure?

If I told you I feel darkness within me when I wake

Would you still choose me every day?

If the blood that ran through my veins was cold and could freeze you

Would you still hold me as tight as you do?

If I pushed you away and got lost in time

Would you find me and save me from my own mind?

I'm finally free from your torture
Released from your emotional roller coaster
Your emotional chains that restrained me
Yet you had no idea you had done it
You don't know what it was like...

Every second was an ache
Every breath I had was for you
Every piece of me needed you
I survived off of the idea of you
Yet you were nowhere within miles
Every song on the radio teased me
I always thought you may be thinking of me
You don't know what it was like...

Literally every fiber in my being called your name
Every street sign, every dream..
It was unbearable. It was unfathomable.

All I wanted was to escape but I didn't know how
All I wanted was you, but I didn't really want you
I just wanted you to love me
The way you promised you would
The way I imagined it could be
The way I had always read about as a little girl
The way they showed me it should be in the movies
The way you swore it could be...

And even though I forgave you, I still craved you
In this way...
For the longest time
What felt like years in your restraints
I wasted so much time wrapped up in you.
You were impossible to get over

But I can't explain just how good it feels to have my mind back
To feel my soul again
With the freedom to love
How great it feels to own my life back!

Yea, he makes me laugh all day
And his eyes are happy to see me
His hands so quickly reach for mine
When I lay on him his heart beats rapidly.
He sends me texts that say "I miss you"
He forgives me for abandoning him
A few months ago when I was reckless
He holds me like I never left.
He brings me to old places
He lets me nap in his bed
He trusts me with his secrets at night
He willingly lets me into his head.
I see nothing wrong with him, except
He needs love and I can't give that
I have no doubt that he can wait patiently
But I'm afraid I won't ever have it back.
I'm sure I'll look back on this poem one day
And smile to remember him
Sitting alone in my thoughts at home
Dreaming of what it could have been.

I know this ache
This persistent migraine
I’ve always known it’s the memory of you
Trying to escape
Looking for a way out
Pounding on left side of my brain
Familiar patterns of banging
Driving me utterly insane
DON’T CONSUME WITH ALCOHOL the bottle said
I closed my eyes and downed that champagne
Anything to **** the memory of you
In my heart and my upper domain

Tears are worthless
What will they get me?
I'll still feel the pain
I'll still remain empty.
I'll still wake up in this place
I'll still have these memories
So just tell me please,
Where will crying get me?

I'll still be the same person
That you always have seen
It will have no life changing effect
On the person that I will be.
The process of crying
Won't make me happy
And the sorrow will return
It always does eventually.

So it seems as though
Your release is a useless hobby
That isn't very helpful
In maintaining reality.
So if you know the answer
Then you can resolve my questioning
Tears are worthless
What will crying gain me?

No selfish decisions.
Don't love. Think about your daughter.
How will this affect her. How will she take it.
You do not have the freedom to choose where you go because you must think of her first. You do not have the freedom to fall in love because she may not approve.

No selfish decisions.
No matter how terrible her father treats you, you grin and bear. Because you do not have the right to behave in any other manor. You are being watched. And even though he tells her that you keep her away and that you are a terrible person, you cannot show anything but compassion because you are an example. You teach her compassion and you must practice what you preach.

No selfish decisions.
Time to yourself? What for? You chose the life you have. So live it. Every day. You chose this path so keep you're wits about you. Give her the life she deserves and work every day to make sure she has it. Don't let her go a day unhappy or a moment without, because you want a break.

Don't be selfish. This is not your life you're living for.   It's hers.

I laid in his fake world for hours
Eyes wide open, watching the ceiling
Escaping my own world, my own little demons
I was compelled by that feeling
Fingers on the walls
Just to know that this is real
Faded like dust, floating from place to place
A tupperware world I consented to be concealed
Brightness turned to night
I watched my world crumble from inside that plastic
The most serene feeling
Was actually rather tragic

I did not walk
I was dragged through this valley
With her
A shadow of death
Though I do not fear the outcome
I fear this journey.

She was the heaven and the earth
She was beautiful
Everything strong that I could not be
But she left me

She was the ocean and the shore
She was security
Understanding in a way I didn't know how to be
Then she left me

She told me one day she would disappear
And she finally did
I wonder where she went and who she found now

Is she everything beautiful still
Is she still just as strong
I wonder if I ever cross her mind

They agreed they weren't looking for love
He was new here and she is finally single
Each at a point in their life
Where they just want to have fun and mingle.

Conversations grew deeper and days passed fast
He started to hold her hand
Nothing was established at this time
But she started to see him as more than a friend.

Intimacy grew between them quick
They formed a bond and she held on to him tight
He could see that her feelings were strong for him so he said to her
"You know we're just friends right"?

Her heart was crushed and she felt so used
But she held back those lonesome tears
They drifted apart from one another after that
But reconnected again after several years.

Warm welcomes and friendly smiles
He said he'd like to catch up more soon
She agreed and he was eager to suggest
The following day around noon

Hours were spent once again together
And they caught up on old and new
She would laugh and he would smile
He said "Wow, do you know that I've missed you"?

Intimacy between them once again arose
They loved each other under the sheets all night
Until one day she could sense he wanted more
So she said "You know we're just friends, right"?

Nobody knows you
Nobody knows us
Because there was never an us at daylight
We were no more than that night
When I told you everything
Things I never knew I hadn’t said
Secrets I didn’t realize I’d been hiding
And you fed me your heart
Poured out your history to relate to mine
And we became one book with our story
Our words seeped into each others skin
And faded into the wooden planks on the walls
And beams on the ceiling
Sheltering that moment, protecting the purity
Something about you compelled me to talk
Something inside of me forced me to listen
5am came and you were gone
6:30 past and I was gone
We’re out here in this big world alone
But I know you’re not alone because part of you is with me
And I’m not alone because part of me is forever with you

So absent,
Your presence is fading
The End of us is calling
I can almost see it ahead waving

The finish line draws nearer
Through the dust and the fog
Your future dangling just beyond
I watch you, as you continue on

The present chains my ankles
And you do not turn back for my hand
Almost as if you expect I'm right behind you
But you just don't understand...

I hear you calling for me
But you've run too far for me to see
You couldn't wait to get what you wanted
And where you wanted to be...

And now you stand there alone
And I'm here alone too
Surrounded by this heavy damp fog
That neither one of us can get through.

Part of freeing him
Was leaving him
And there was no easy way
There was only the inevitable outcome of breaking his heart

I remember you
Not from a moment that I can recall
But from a past encounter somewhere deep in our history
Possibly we knew each other in a different time.

She fell.
    And she fell.
            And she fell

And each time she fell, it became harder and harder to stand back up.
But somehow she did. Each time.

And then one day she was carried.

She was lifted off the ground and was no longer in pain.
She was no longer worried about healing.
She saw new lights and could touch the clouds.
She felt love growing and it did not burn.

It was not jealous or boastful.
It was not envious or overbearing.
It was pure.
It was modest.
It was better than a gift because it was a seed. She had to make it something special and it was not instant gratification.
And she didn't realize this at first. But she has realized it now since the last time she fell and that is all that matters now.

They told me not to wait for you
And I forgot to breathe
I waited like a waiter and I'm still waiting
I catered and excused you
And I'm still being used
I can't let go
I can't say no

They told me not to wait for you
To change, to show up, to love me
Don't hold your breath, they said
But here I am because I forget to breathe

It takes the most courage to love again
And again and again and again.

And each time you fall deeper
And each time you come out cleaner.

I know in this moment I want to be in love with you. Let your guard crash down like waves and come build a fortress with me. You need a home. We can build one together. Your walls and my walls on their own will never protect us. Help me protect you and love me unconditionally.

But my soul does
She calls for you and I ignore her
I tell her to shut the **** up
And sometimes she screams it so loud that I have to lock her away
Because I can't stand to hear it
And I can't bear to believe it...