I wonder if his
clothes will ever
be mixed in with mine.
In a basket fresh from
the dryer,
slowly gone through
and folded.
I can imagine
putting them away in
the dresser in his room,
and then hanging mine
in the closet.

I would take one of
his shirts out of the drawer
and put it on.
Go downstairs to
see him smile and
then kiss me while
he makes dinner.
In the house we live
in together.

The sound of crickets
reminds me of him.
I wonder if I’ll ever be
able to step foot outside
just before dark,
when the sun is still
barely lighting
the sky,
without getting that
feeling.

It sounds like when
things were good.
We always did well
together when it was warm.
Maybe we would have
made it if it
could be
summer forever.

I gave him a necklace
that looks just like
the one I always wear.
I wanted to give him
something that would
remind him of me.

When I gave it to him
he put it on right away,
as I bashfully tried to
make a joke.
He said,
“Come here”
and kissed me.

He hasn’t taken it off since.

He referred to us hanging out
as a date.
I watch his tik tok videos
and I don’t know if he knows
that or not.
But he called me Aphrodite
and told a story about
something I said.
I am over here smiling
and kicking my feet
either way.
When I left his house
he put his arms around me
and kissed me,
thanking me for coming over.
I’ve been floating ever since.
Having a crush is so fun.

I still have his favorite
hooded sweatshirt.
I was meant to give it back
when I went to get my things.
But I couldn’t hand it over.
I left it unspoken in the
backseat of my car that day.
It’s all I have left.
The only thing that feels
like him.

I drove home from work
in tears tonight
and I saw that hoodie in my room
when I came in the door.

I held it tight against me
and sobbed into it.
It shouldn’t be here though.
Because neither is he.

The sky lit up different
shades of pink and purple,
yellow and orange.
I could hear the stars singing
that every little thing
is going to be alright.

So instead of folding; I am
sitting in front of my fireplace
with a gin and coke,
listening to music I’ve been
avoiding.

Some day I won’t be sad anymore.
Right?

I heard someone say that
they feel excited about the potential.
The inevitable new love that
will come
instead of letting the darkness in
that heartbreak can bring.

I like that.
I’ve felt that a few times.
When the man I’m talking to
says, how’s work going lady?
And tells me he felt lucky to
have had a messy couch hookup
ten years ago.

I know it’s out there.
Love is waiting for me to be
ready again.

I woke up today
asking God how this is fair.
What is wrong with me
that I still love him.
I still miss him every single second.
It’s been 42 days I should be
fully moved on,
talking to someone else.
Or at least just free.
But I am trapped inside
the last 6 years of our life.
I want these memories erased.
I want to forget.

If I could go back
5 years ago to
23 year old me I would tell her
to walk away.
To not speak to him.
No matter how badly I needed to.
I would miss out on all of the
love,
all of the love I gave to him
and all of the love he gave to me.

But it would be worth it.
Worth it to miss the pain he
caused,
worth it to never know what it
was like to love him.
It would be worth it to know
who I would have became
if he never entered my life
and flipped it upside down.
I might be married,
have a kid or two.

And most of all I wouldn’t have
this giant hole in my heart
that grew larger in size
each time he left me.
I wouldn’t be 29 years old,
single and completely
terrified of what’s out there.
Who is out there.

If I could go back I would
choose to have never met him.

Tik tok told me he viewed my
profile the other day.
There is nothing there except two
things I’ve reposted.
But I can’t stop wondering
why he looked at all.
I broke & viewed his profile
just now.
He’s going to see that I did.
I wish he wouldn’t.
I don’t know why I looked,
there’s nothing there either.
I guess I was just hoping
to get even a morsel of
information as to what is going
on in his life.
I can’t ask him and he’s not
saying.
We are just two strangers again,
no clue as to who the other is anymore.

It’s been 19 days since he left me.
I haven’t gotten a full nights sleep since.
I still cry when I’m alone
and stare at nothing when
I’m in my office at work.
The emptiness is getting worse.
Time isn’t healing me at all,
it’s making me panic.
I keep going back to the beach.
To that day at the ocean,
to that night cuddled up next to him.
To the plane ride there.
To that first apartment when
he would cook and we would talk
for hours.
I can’t remember a single
bad time even though there were a lot.
We had dinner with his grandma a few days
before my world collapsed
and she was planning for us to
come back to Florida soon.
Why did this happen.

I’m getting used to it,
but I am still not okay with it.
I still dream about him
and mostly they aren’t good.
Nightmares of him with
other girls, right in front of me
I’ve kinda decided this
year will be the year of no men.
I’ve never done that but also
I still don’t want to be with anyone
else. I never will.
No other man will ever
care about me as much as he did,
even if he is the thing that hurts me most.
No other man will ever
have that connection that we did,
like our souls are tied together
even if we can’t be together.
I’m still his girl.
Always will be.

Days feel like months,
so breaking down crying in the
kitchen while I make ramen
noodles
was not what I thought I’d
be doing.
I haven’t cried in over 24 hours.
I felt great yesterday.
I even took a few selfies
and posted them.
But now I am sick in bed,
literally and I can’t stop
thinking about him.
I don’t want to do this forever.
Like somewhere in the back of my head
I think there’s a finish line,
and we’ll come back together.
But there’s not this time.
This is it.
My best friend will become
someone else’s best friend and
he won’t think of me anymore.

I felt my voice catch in
my throat when he approached
the window.
I swallowed the tears and waited
for him to get inside.
As I slowly drove he asked me
how I’ve been,
I said good, mhm.
The silence was so loud
and he tried to cover it up by
telling me about how he’s been
busy fixing up his apartment.
He directed me to the storage unit
which wasn’t far.
I watched him sift through a few
boxes to find the pans and utensils,
carrying anything to the car
that’s mine.
When that was it he walked up
to me and we just looked at
each other.
I reached out first
and he hugged me close,
wrapping his coat around me.
That’s when I felt the tears coming back
I tried to stop them
but ever since we split all
I have wanted is his arms around me.
He said,
you know I love you right.
I nodded.
On the drive back he made small talk
and tried to make me smile,
and then we were back.
He told me he’s sorry again
and that it isn’t me.
He said to be good and try to have fun.
I hugged him again
and then he was gone.
It’s the last day of the year
and it’s the last day I’ll see him.
Our story is over.

It was easier before I realized
you are human too.
I just feel, emptier now.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be
the person you needed.

I don’t understand how
I am supposed to sleep.
I can’t even sit still.
My skin is trying to jump
off my bones,
my muscles are sore
from being so tense all day.
I don’t want to sleep without you
for the rest of my life.

I thought screaming and
crying into your pillow ended after
you turn 16 but now I think that
helpless anger never goes away.
It’s like something is overflowing
out of your eyes, nose, mouth
and ears.
It feels like you could pick up a car and throw it
into a building,
listen as glass shatters all over the ground.
I am so angry.
I rolled a joint using my mom’s ****
because I have no money
and I feel a little better.
The red has turned into an orange/yellow.
But it’s still there.
I want to turn my phone off
and hide away in my tower.
No ladder, no landline no way to
reach me even though no one will try.
No one cares if I’m there or not.
They never have and never will.

If I were confident
my body would be beautiful
and he would tell me so
because I’d make him believe it.
Instead I hate myself
and he told me I have the blob gene.

Do you ever just feel when you’re
about to make a mistake?
I’m staring at my food beside the beer
the cute bartender served me
and I’d rather just hit my vape.
Beer #1 went down way too easy.
It’s a summer time Friday night
and none of my friends responded to
my text.
That’s cool.
So I hit up my ex.
We hangout and **** every once in awhile.
He said he’d be here in 45 minutes
So who knows what number I’ll be on then.
I feel like the people I want to like me most
hate me and I don’t know why.
Maybe that’s just how I feel though.
Or maybe it’s true and I’m a *******.
I am 28 & single in an area where that’s
really abnormal for someone my age.
I should have 2 kids & 2 marriages by now
but no one’s ever liked me enough to
get there.
Oh well.

I’m so tired of taking care of myself.
I was never meant to be alone
in this world.
As a twin I was literally born
with someone else so even before I
was here I wasn’t alone.
And now I’m 28 and single
back living with my parents
and I have no idea what I’m doing.
I want to crumple, fold, quit.
I want to cry on the couch while
someone that loves me makes dinner
and tells me it’ll be okay.
I want someone else to find the answer
and tell me I’m good, smart and beautiful.
The loneliness is so deep inside of me,
a pit that I’ve fallen into and can’t climb out.
When the one you love more than anything
leaves you on a random Saturday night
I don’t think you ever recover.
That feeling of abandonment sticks
like glue.
Permanently.

The worst part about being lonely
isn’t the pit in my stomach,
or the way I can disassociate for hours.
It’s the fact that I know he is the only
cure.
And I could probably pick
up my phone right now
and call him,
ask him to save me from this feeling
and he probably would.
But just for tonight.
Tomorrow I will be lonely again.

I wonder if you’ve been thinking
about me too lately,
or if it’s just one sided.
The other morning I lay next to my
new boyfriend and
remembered what it was like to
be next to you.
He’s taller, and he has more body
to wrap my arm around.
He doesn’t have the muscle tone
just naturally built into his arms
the way you do.
His face is softer, no stress lines
and a less full beard.
I thought about the night we broke up
and how I cuddled your back because
you hated me.
I knew it would be the last time we laid
in that apartment together
and it hurt like hell.
It doesn’t hurt anymore though,
except for a small ache in my chest
when I think about you.

I looked at the Polaroid of us together
for the first time in weeks this morning.
And then I flipped it back over.

I drove to an empty church parking lot
and cried in my car.
It was a moment of weakness,
of missing someone I loved not
too long ago.
It’s weird how beautiful days
make me sad,
I hate being alone when the sun
is shining.
I caved and I texted him that I
acknowledge he turns 29 in about 24 hrs.
I asked him if he had any plans,
He said the same old ****.
I replied, sounds about right.
And then my golden retriever boy
texted me saying he can’t wait to watch
hockey with me tomorrow.
So sweet and pure.
It made me stop missing that rain cloud
I loved so much.
Just because things are so different
doesn’t mean they’re so bad.
I have never been patient
but I am trying to be.
Good things come with time
at least that’s what they say.