i see you in my dreams every night and i just wish you could be here with me right now because i need some light and you are the sun, so beautiful and so dangerous at the same time. you make me feel like im worth something even though everyone else rips each and every last shred of my hope into pieces too small to form back into its shiny constellation and im not sure how much longer i can hold on. i feel safe when we are together even though you rip apart my heart every time you mention her and i just wish you saw what was standing right in front of you because i am shrouded in a cloud of fog and i need you to guide me out with your blazing fire. when i watch you in my dreams i sometimes forget that you could combust right in front of my eyes and leave me as nothing but a pile of tears and charred bones.

i am composed of broken dreams and i think you made me this way but im not so sure anymore because every time i take a step the world spins in circles and i just dont know how to live anymore without you guiding me every step of the way so please come back and piece me back together before my strings break and i dont sound right anymore. its getting harder every second because im falling, im falling like my mothers broken pearls and soon i will hit the floor with a bang and lose control of where i go next. you need to understand that i need you more than anything and i don't want to become lost in my own mind because it is dark and lonely here.  i don't have faith in my lungs anymore, they are collapsing under the pain and dizziness, of the world spiralling farther and farther from my grasp.
you were my lifeline and i guess my time is up.

i finally knew what pain felt like
when you slapped me across the face in the middle of the night
and my cheeks heated like fire because i just wasnt good enough

i finally knew what regret felt like
when i let you leave on the 4am train that night
and couldnt get off of my couch for weeks because my heart had turned to lead and my bones shifted into stones

i finally knew what hate felt like
when i realized you had used me as your stomping grounds
smashing the gardens between my bones into dust and broken dreams

i finally knew i was over you
when the caller ID read your name and
i
didnt
pick
up

my mom asks me every once and a while:
are you happy with your life?
and it just makes me laugh because
i would rather die than live a second longer on this earth
my body is a prison and im sentenced here forever
and i would **** to be able to just sleep eternally
because people are monsters
i wish i could just tell her
that im ripping at the seams
and every time someone points out a flaw about me
a knife is shoved deeper into my heart
yet every time she asks
i always reply with a laugh
"why wouldn't i be?"

your touch was soft, like
the gentle kiss of petals
blowing in the spring

she had a normal childhood
with a loving family and fun adventures
everyone loved her for her pudgy red cheeks and huge green eyes
she never lost those things
even when she grew up
but she started to notice that instead of gaining her love
these traits were making her a target
for all the hateful words of others to practice their aim on
no one noticed the changes in the poor girl
but they were there
she stopped buckling her seatbelt
she started to swallow her toothpaste
she didn't look before crossing the street
and they were so subtle,
so small
that by the time anyone noticed
it was too late

snowflakes remind me of people

the way some come down in soft, gentle drifts
and some in harsh, thrashing blizzards

some sit nicely on your sleeves
and some fly straight into your hair

it doesn't matter how the snowflakes drift to you, or how they stick to you
each and every snowflake is different and unique

it always takes more than one try to find that perfect snowflake

so go outside, be brave
your perfect snowflake is waiting for you somewhere out there

sometimes it takes someone who is drowning
to spot another soul in need of saving

the words you whispered
at two am every night
when i couldnt breathe i was crying so hard
when i couldnt speak through the sobs of hysteria
when i shook from the sadness of it all
you kept me alive
in all those times of doubt
and i just cant believe
that you thought you could leave
and i would be okay

because ill never be okay
you held me together
even though i was bursting at the seams
and then you broke me apart
like the fragile soul that i truly am

January 4th, 2013.
Her heart beats steadily, like the thumping rhythm of a drum. It always comforts me, when she lays her chest against mine and the steady thump thump fills my mind.
She has a super power, a way of telling when I'm distressed or angry or sad. She is my sun, in a world of rain. She's a special flower.

July 18, 2013.
I have seen subtle changes in my rose. She is not the radiant, ball of sunshine she used to be. Her eyes are sad, and her skin pale. I know she is keeping things from me, but I can not tell what they are. I won't force her to say anything, she will tell me when the time is right.

September 27th, 2014.
She sent me a letter.
Something was wrong.
I immediately rushed over to her home, worried sick about her. The letter was not like her. I didn't bother knocking, my anxiety overpowering any of my common sense.
I burst into her door, and stopped dead in my tracks. She hung from the ceiling, dangling by a rope around her neck. She appeared as she could've been asleep, if not for the unnatural way her neck was bent. The rosy glow from her cheeks was gone, and all I saw was the way her eyes stared, eerily into the darkness.
I don't remember anything else, but hearing the thump as my knees hit the floor, and the thump of my head.

??????
I do not know the date, the time, or even the year. I have not eaten in three days. My grief has swallowed me, making me feel like a tiny krill in the vast ocean.
My mind constantly hounds me about her death. I should've known something was wrong. Why didn't I know something was wrong?
With each thump thump of my heart, I sunk into a deeper and deeper depression. She deserves to be here. I don't.

??????
This is my last entry.
I am so, so glad that I can finally escape this misery of a life.
It sounds like music to my ears.
The click of the gun.
And the last thump thump of my empty heart.