Take the following for what it is. Feelings are real and people are people and everyone is human and people forget that. I wrote this while upset, but really, I can't deny its truth. It applies to any people who find themselves depressed as a result of traumatic experiences with loved ones.
...
I don't care what anyone says. I wish every day that the best friend I ever had was still here. Those memories, the fondest of my life, I can't get out of my head. But...
That center of my life tore me up and threw me away. Nobody ever lied to me worse in my life. It was so extreme, that for a very long time it was incomprehensible to the point of mental breakdown. Do you know how stupid it is to want to die, because of only one other soul on this earth? How could anyone give up so much control? Yet, victims of bullying, discrimination, and unfortunate circumstances **** themselves every day. Don't they realize that others love them? Others care, but when you assign so much importance to someone who makes you so happy who then deceived you, your world and your senses can collapse into the most narrow of views.
The problem is, that when someone who means the world to you, does terrible, horrible things, it is too ****** hard to make yourself believe they're terrible for the sake of moving on. Your mind won't let you, for all the reasons they meant so much to you in the first place. You end up blaming yourself, or at the very least, find yourself in a perpetual argument which drives yourself insane because of so many memories you cannot erase.
I blame myself. But I don't. But I do. But I don't. But I do. But I don't.
Let me tell you, the pain can become excruciating beyond overwhelming.
Welcome to hell. Population: 1.
"I love them..." "I miss them..." "I need them..."
You just wish they weren't the crap they ended up being in the end.
You try to turn around the depression you have because they're gone by reassuring yourself that you DON'T need them because of all they've done to hurt you, shame you, even threaten your existence or show you they don't care.
Immediately afterwards you look down upon yourself because you can't stand thinking badly about the love of your life.
But then you remember all the promises you made them. How you told them you'd never break those promises.
You wait in hell for ever but that angel isn't coming to save you. She plays two roles...she's also the one that made the cage that keeps you there.
My angel reassures me with such a crooked smile that I belong in hell.
I still down here stuck between a river of thoughts ranging from "I wish she was dead" and "I wish she was here". The latter sometimes includes crying to the point of throwing up. The first makes ME feel like the terrible one.
I took blame for more than I did. She has yet to comprehend a fraction of what she herself did to me. I made mistakes. I did. I confessed. I was so sorry. I still am, kind of... She was very deliberate. She insisted over and over her actions weren't mistakes. I think she was trying to **** me. I know I tried to **** me.
I'll never have peace...