in middle school i had a father
a great, loving father
and by high school i didn’t
at thirteen i thought i was an emotionless person
a cold, calm, and happy person
and by nineteen i’d realized i was anything but
at thirteen i liked a boy and I wrote that in permanent marker on a desk and would never say anything
i covered it with tape, but it is still there
and at twenty-two he moved back... it didn’t work out
in elementary i said i loved a boy and never got a reply
it didn’t stop me from saying those things to more boys, and eventually girls and people who don't identify as either
and now i hold on to the hope maybe each heartbreak will be different from before
one thing i know won’t be the same is at twelve i had a dad
and now i don’t
i scrutinize the issues i have since losing a father
if a boy might hurt me he tried to make sure they didn’t
now i put myself out there and get hurt
i look for him in every person i romanticize
i compare each person to a father who exceeded all expectations then started to die right in front of me
Dec 23, 2022
Dec 23, 2022 at 4:28 AM UTC
in middle school i had a father
a great, loving father
and by high school i didn’t
at thirteen i thought i was an emotionless person
a cold, calm, and happy person
and by nineteen i’d realized i was anything but
at thirteen i liked a boy and I wrote that in permanent marker on a desk and would never say anything
i covered it with tape, but it is still there
and at twenty-two he moved back... it didn’t work out
in elementary i said i loved a boy and never got a reply
it didn’t stop me from saying those things to more boys, and eventually girls and people who don't identify as either
and now i hold on to the hope maybe each heartbreak will be different from before
one thing i know won’t be the same is at twelve i had a dad
and now i don’t
i scrutinize the issues i have since losing a father
if a boy might hurt me he tried to make sure they didn’t
now i put myself out there and get hurt
i look for him in every person i romanticize
i compare each person to a father who exceeded all expectations then started to die right in front of me
December 2021 draft gone public one year later with some modifications for how things turns out since
Request permission to use this poem