so i go searching charity shops because
i forgot to bring a book today and
i want to get something to eat in a momen
because i am hungry
because i have not eaten anything yet today
because i forgot i am a flesh-and-blood thing
but i want to sit down somewhere to eat
which is something i do not like to do without either
1: the company of a book or
2: another living being of some sort
(one who will not make small talk
or touch my hands or think i matter)
since these are both fairly good excuses
not to make eye contact—even unintentional—
with anyone who happens to be around you
which is something i do not like doing
as every time without fail it makes me feel
a little nauseous, just a little
*There are two major measures of eye irritation.
One is blink frequency which can be observed by human behavior.
The other measures are break up time, tear flow, hyperemia
(redness, swelling), tear fluid cytology,
and epithelial damage (vital stains) etc.,
which are human beings’ physiological reactions.
Blink frequency is defined as the number
of blinks per minute and it is associated
with eye irritation. Blink frequencies are individual
with mean frequencies of < 2-3 to 20-30 blinks/minute,
and they depend on environmental factors
including the use of contact lenses*
i settle on a three-book set of stephen king
and i read the first thirty pages of "the girl who loved tom gordon"
sitting in a cafe between very slight interspersions of rain-watching
and i manage to avoid looking quite directly at anyone,
even the waitress,
which i am proud of myself for
in a small sad sort of way
but then i get up and i go to the restroom
and i spend several seconds deliberating
over whether to use the womens or the mens
because i am a liar either way
but i settle for womens just like i settled for king
and when i walk in there is a lady there
washing her hands at the sink
and we meet eyes for a moment
before i flee into a stall and, sitting on the toilet,
knees drawn up and tense,
holding my head in my hands,
burst promptly
into tears
i leave and i stop at the counter to pay the bill
which i almost forgot
and i find i have change, yes,
i have exact change, precise.
i worry about the chance of this
for five minutes after i leave;
i stand in the street and i find the rain has gone off,
but it hasn’t,
so i stand there holding in my hand
an unused £10 note that is verging on soggy
and i worry about whether that is okay
and then i go to sainsburys
and i buy tea and chocolate
just to get rid of that ******* ten pound note
that my gran gave me yesterday
that has a pen mark on it
that my granddad was almost certainly responsible for
(which does not make me cry but
does make me clench my fist very strangely
for a moment feeling embittered
towards this self-service checkout
that i am going to hand this tenner over to
knowing it will be eating up something
that reminds me of the way my granddad smelt
and the way he sort of hurt to be held by
because he was so odd and bony and my face
could never rest quite right on his shoulders for it,
and i do not know whether this is
a bad thing or a good thing i am doing, here)
and i almost buy bread too
but there are too many people in that aisle
so i do not
i go home and i read on the internet
about piercing one’s ears at home
and then i almost buy a suturing kit
from a medical supplies website
for a dog that i really like
and i get changed out of that jumper
into a shirt, finally
but now it is too cool rather than too warm
so then i just end up
taking all of my clothes off entirely
and crying naked
under the bedsheets
like a coffin-baby
because the world just won’t stop for me
and i really
really
should have bought some bread