She sat cross-legged on her bedroom floor,
A brush in one hand and a blade in the other.
She ran the brush through the dull brown,
Dishwater hair that framed her thin face.
Her eyes were sunken in from a recent loss of appetite
(Recent as in the past twenty-four months)
And her cheek bones protruded from her skin
Like the fist of an unborn fetus reaching out.
She fingered the blade in her other hand,
Memorizing each corner and edge,
Pressing it against the pad of her fingertips
And feeling the skin give.
She put down the brush (but not the blade)
And stretched out her legs on the hardwood
Studying her translucent skin and
The waterways of veins that ran beneath
And the concave curves of her knobby knees.
She traced the faint lines
On her paper thin thighs
Made from dull blades
From previous days.
Her failed attempts numbered
More lines than cracks in the
Floorboards, but not this time.
Not anymore.
She lifted the razor to her wrist
And whispered a silent prayer
Between shaking lips and
Closed her eyes and
Pulled back her hand.
She waited.
And waited.
She opened her eyes.
She cautiously looked down
To see a **** running
Vertically down her arm.
But nothing was pouring out
As it should have been.
She screamed.
But she didn't make a sound.
The blade hit the floor as she bolted out of her room,
And down the stairs and into the kitchen.
She screamed.
But she didn't make a sound.
Her mother was sitting at the table
With a cold cup of coffee sitting sadly beside her,
But it wasn't her mother,
But the shell of the mother she once knew.
Her eyes were bloodshot and her hands were bony
And her nose was red and her fingers were swollen.
And sitting in a high-chair beside her,
Was a child with wide-eyes and
Shrilling laughter.
The child seemed to sense her presence
For it looked into her eyes,
And it gave her goosebumps.
She ran to her mother and
Waved her hands in front of her
But her mother didn't seem to register
Her daughter before her.
"Mom! Mom? Can you hear me?"
But she didn't make a sound.
She noticed a picture on the refrigerator
So she slowly approached it.
It was a 5 x 7 of her sophomore year,
Six months before her disease appeared.
Her face was full and her hair was long,
Her eyes were bright and her smile was strong.
She could hardly recognize herself, anymore.
She noticed another picture beneath,
A newspaper clipping dated September thirteenth
The first day she ever played
"Trace the Vein"
With her blade.
And right beside the headline titled
"Young Teen Commits Suicide"
Was the picture of her full face
From sophomore year.
She screamed.
But she didn't make a sound.
She felt a throbbing in the back of her head
Like a hand nudging her brain,
Or a distant, forgotten memory,
Trying to resurface again.
But she shoved it back in.
She ran back to her mother,
Again waving her hands.
"Mom! Can you hear me? I'm sorry,
I never meant for this to happen."
But her mother was quiet
And the baby just stared.
She turned back to the staircase
But her knees started to shake
And she fell to the ground,
Tears streaming down her cheeks.
Like streaks of fire,
They started to burn.
And she screamed
And she screamed
But she didn't make a sound.
She lifted her hand,
To wipe the tears from her eyes,
But her hand was breaking,
And cracking and dying.
She watched her fingers
And then her skin
And then her veins
And then her bones
Break like brittle and
Fall to the ground in a
Mound of dirt and ash.
Her hair drifted down
Like dead leaves in the fall
And her rib cage cracked like
A crumbling wall
And her body caved in
And she wilted away
Because she was already dead
And buried in her earthen grave.