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A Few Tortured Nursery Rhymes

The owl and the ***** cat

went to sea in a boat

without an oar

When the boat sailed home

the cat was alone

and the owl was no more

 

Hey ****** ******

I’ll tell you a riddle

and I bet you’ll never guess

That Jack B. Nimble

was Jack B. Quick

beneath Miss Muffet’s

dress

 

Little Sol Hornstein

sat next to Maureen

eating his Christmas

pie

He stuck in his fork

and pulled out some pork

And said ‘what a bad

Jew am I’.

 

Wee Willie Winkie

Tiptoes through the house,

Upstairs, downstairs

Quiet as a mouse.

Closing every window,

Locking every door,

Drinking all his daddy’s beer

And barfing on the floor

 

The hippy dippy spider

went uptown to score

He got a bag of ****

from the hippy dippy

store

He smoked up all that

**** with his hippy

dippy friends

So the hippy dippy spider

went uptown again

 

There was a crooked man

Who walked a crooked mile

He met a crooked woman

Who wore a crooked smile

He brought her to his crooked house

And upon his crooked bed

He had his crooked way with her

(And now the ***** is dead)

 

(And from an old restroom wall)

 

Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play

(He kissed them too cuz' he was gay)

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Written by
patrick-mcfarland
American
Published
Jun 25, 2011
Lines·Words
52·230
Permission

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