i miss that light
i might die
buzz that I used to have.
it wasn’t the amphetamine high--
it was the empty stomach
i don’t have to eat
high
every meal skipped was power
as if we were otherworldly creatures
whose stomachs would only contain naughty water and faerie food.
we were hollowing out
and i loved it.
the lightness of my bones, the way my cheek bones were shining through
and my ribs were getting
e
a
s
i
e
r
to count.
& i miss that heart exploding dilated eyes
rush. not for the high
but for the simple matter that i was bird thin
empty.
not thin enough, but on my way.
i miss it, and it misses me.
i am strong enough…aren’t i?
i could do it again.
and this time—
i wont need the pills.
self loathing is fuel enough.
i want that power— every bite I don’t take is a boy who
told me i wasn’t good enough.
every skipped meal is a small triumph against myself.
i can do it.
it would be easy and no one would notice.
but i wont.
Nov 12, 2012
Nov 12, 2012 at 5:18 PM UTC
i miss that light
i might die
buzz that I used to have.
it wasn’t the amphetamine high--
it was the empty stomach
i don’t have to eat
high
every meal skipped was power
as if we were otherworldly creatures
whose stomachs would only contain naughty water and faerie food.
we were hollowing out
and i loved it.
the lightness of my bones, the way my cheek bones were shining through
and my ribs were getting
e
a
s
i
e
r
to count.
& i miss that heart exploding dilated eyes
rush. not for the high
but for the simple matter that i was bird thin
empty.
not thin enough, but on my way.
i miss it, and it misses me.
i am strong enough…aren’t i?
i could do it again.
and this time—
i wont need the pills.
self loathing is fuel enough.
i want that power— every bite I don’t take is a boy who
told me i wasn’t good enough.
every skipped meal is a small triumph against myself.
i can do it.
it would be easy and no one would notice.
but i wont.
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