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lucy-ignarroPoems
Dear mommy, I miss you, though I don't remember who you are I was only three when you left me All I can remember is you falling to the ground in front of me... shaking uncontrollably Dear mommy, why aren't you here to hold me?  they say you're never coming home; that you've moved on to heaven... what is this place? and why is it more important for you to be there ? They say god decided to take you away; They say that I should pray Why would I pray to this thing called God when he's the one who took you in the first place? I don't believe he would care Better yet, I don't believe he's anything more than air Dear mommy, I want answers but I'm given none I lay awake at night in despair, trying to understand why you're neither here nor there... I gather information from listening to those who talk as if I'm not there They say daddy is the reason you died He got you hooked on these things called drugs, and from there you were barely alive They tell me im lucky to have survived, that I'm a miracle child but what miracle is it to be abandoned and left to wonder why? Dear mommy, Was it the drugs that killed you? or those violent seizures? Why do they keep telling me im lucky to be alive? Did you not intend for me to survive? I was not told until I was around 13 or 14 years old That you pumped ****** into your veins and along with it, a deadly virus they call AIDS I should've been born with it too How I escaped it, they have no clue... guess I wasn't destined to end up like you Dear mommy, Aren't you supposed to protect me? How could you choose drugs over your own children? I start to see you as nothing more than a common villian How could you leave me with a father that doesn't care? One who disappears for what seems like days, only to return in a drug induced haze It fills me with ******* rage Dear mother, It's easier to hate you than it is to miss you I don't know how to deal I don't even know how to feel I want to cry but i fear that will make me weak I cannot speak From here on out I adopt a life of doubt I start to hide. .. my feelings are kept on the inside I am numb and often pretend to be dumb I turn to anger, *** and physical pain to ease the incessant turmoil going on inside my brain I scream but it's all in vain I start to act out in ways I can't explain Dear mother, I'm starting to feel as if I'm going ******* insane! I have no one to help me feel better; to help me contain my anger Instead, those around me make it worse Im about to burst I want to be loved, Not put down and seen as a burden The only one who comes close to loving me unconditionally is your mother but she can't help me, she is mentally and emotionally abused in front of me daily by your own brother, how could he do this to his own mother? ! Dear mother, He oinks at my sister and I, calls us pigs, says we're disgusting women and acts as if we're heathen. He yells at Grandma for everything, especially mispronouncation she begs for forgiveness for a crime not committed. He causes her to live in fear and tears He even makes fun of her for crying! I feel I am slowly dying I pray he'll hit me so I have cause to grab a knife and end his sorry, disgusting life and maybe, just maybe... ease some of my strife I fear the only thing keeping me from killing him is not wanting to end up like my father in prison. Dear mother,  I can not take anymore I start to lose sight of what's right All the while, grandma sobs and begs me to stop and relax Stop what? sticking up for myself and those I love? ! No! I absolutely cannot! I'd rather ******* rot! why is she so spineless?! why is she so weak?! I have no one to look up to, no one that I can seek I start to yell at her and become the monster I dare not speak of I am ashamed for me and for her I cannot deal All these feelings I try to hide are scratching at my insides Im at my wit's end when he finally pushes me to the edge I can no longer refrain from unleashing my ******* rage I choke him, then run and grab a knife I break it into two with my hands; revel in the sting of the blade as it cuts through my skin I then throw the pieces at him The look of fear on his face fills me with pride, it makes me feel alive! Run mother ****** before you meet your demise Or maybe it is I who should run before I come completely undone. No, I cannot leave my loved ones with no protection, left to be consumed by this man's hateful archaic agression Besides, I have too much pride to run and hide Dear mother, I've now become the disgrace To me and my "family" They talk **** about me like it's some kind of game They say im insane They refuse to take the time to see that im in ******* pain and apparently, the only one with the courage to stand up and tell him to **** off? ! I reach out for help but should already know I won't be given any They're all caught in their own mental and emotional tailspin My brother tells me im causing my grandma stress, that ill be the cause of her death. I find myself waking every night listening for her breath Scared that she'll join you and there will be no one left Dear mother, Look who you left me with Blind,pathetic, foolish swine who tell me I should stand idly by while my sister and my grandma are abused in front of my very eyes They tell me I have it easy, lucky to have a roof over my head no matter how much it fills me with dread They always remind me that im lucky to be alive This is why It took me to the age of 25 to realize I have never truly loved or lived just barely survived.
0
May 5, 2016
May 5, 2016 at 7:44 PM UTC
Untitled
Dear mommy, I miss you, though I don't remember who you are I was only three when you left me All I can remember is you falling to the ground in front of me... shaking uncontrollably Dear mommy, why aren't you here to hold me?  they say you're never coming home; that you've moved on to heaven... what is this place? and why is it more important for you to be there ? They say god decided to take you away; They say that I should pray Why would I pray to this thing called God when he's the one who took you in the first place? I don't believe he would care Better yet, I don't believe he's anything more than air Dear mommy, I want answers but I'm given none I lay awake at night in despair, trying to understand why you're neither here nor there... I gather information from listening to those who talk as if I'm not there They say daddy is the reason you died He got you hooked on these things called drugs, and from there you were barely alive They tell me im lucky to have survived, that I'm a miracle child but what miracle is it to be abandoned and left to wonder why? Dear mommy, Was it the drugs that killed you? or those violent seizures? Why do they keep telling me im lucky to be alive? Did you not intend for me to survive? I was not told until I was around 13 or 14 years old That you pumped ****** into your veins and along with it, a deadly virus they call AIDS I should've been born with it too How I escaped it, they have no clue... guess I wasn't destined to end up like you Dear mommy, Aren't you supposed to protect me? How could you choose drugs over your own children? I start to see you as nothing more than a common villian How could you leave me with a father that doesn't care? One who disappears for what seems like days, only to return in a drug induced haze It fills me with ******* rage Dear mother, It's easier to hate you than it is to miss you I don't know how to deal I don't even know how to feel I want to cry but i fear that will make me weak I cannot speak From here on out I adopt a life of doubt I start to hide. .. my feelings are kept on the inside I am numb and often pretend to be dumb I turn to anger, *** and physical pain to ease the incessant turmoil going on inside my brain I scream but it's all in vain I start to act out in ways I can't explain Dear mother, I'm starting to feel as if I'm going ******* insane! I have no one to help me feel better; to help me contain my anger Instead, those around me make it worse Im about to burst I want to be loved, Not put down and seen as a burden The only one who comes close to loving me unconditionally is your mother but she can't help me, she is mentally and emotionally abused in front of me daily by your own brother, how could he do this to his own mother? ! Dear mother, He oinks at my sister and I, calls us pigs, says we're disgusting women and acts as if we're heathen. He yells at Grandma for everything, especially mispronouncation she begs for forgiveness for a crime not committed. He causes her to live in fear and tears He even makes fun of her for crying! I feel I am slowly dying I pray he'll hit me so I have cause to grab a knife and end his sorry, disgusting life and maybe, just maybe... ease some of my strife I fear the only thing keeping me from killing him is not wanting to end up like my father in prison. Dear mother,  I can not take anymore I start to lose sight of what's right All the while, grandma sobs and begs me to stop and relax Stop what? sticking up for myself and those I love? ! No! I absolutely cannot! I'd rather ******* rot! why is she so spineless?! why is she so weak?! I have no one to look up to, no one that I can seek I start to yell at her and become the monster I dare not speak of I am ashamed for me and for her I cannot deal All these feelings I try to hide are scratching at my insides Im at my wit's end when he finally pushes me to the edge I can no longer refrain from unleashing my ******* rage I choke him, then run and grab a knife I break it into two with my hands; revel in the sting of the blade as it cuts through my skin I then throw the pieces at him The look of fear on his face fills me with pride, it makes me feel alive! Run mother ****** before you meet your demise Or maybe it is I who should run before I come completely undone. No, I cannot leave my loved ones with no protection, left to be consumed by this man's hateful archaic agression Besides, I have too much pride to run and hide Dear mother, I've now become the disgrace To me and my "family" They talk **** about me like it's some kind of game They say im insane They refuse to take the time to see that im in ******* pain and apparently, the only one with the courage to stand up and tell him to **** off? ! I reach out for help but should already know I won't be given any They're all caught in their own mental and emotional tailspin My brother tells me im causing my grandma stress, that ill be the cause of her death. I find myself waking every night listening for her breath Scared that she'll join you and there will be no one left Dear mother, Look who you left me with Blind,pathetic, foolish swine who tell me I should stand idly by while my sister and my grandma are abused in front of my very eyes They tell me I have it easy, lucky to have a roof over my head no matter how much it fills me with dread They always remind me that im lucky to be alive This is why It took me to the age of 25 to realize I have never truly loved or lived just barely survived.
Written by
lucy-ignarro
Ridgewood, NY
May 5, 2016
May 5, 2016 at 7:44 PM UTC
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