my prime motive,
revolutionary action,
is to contribute,
any desperate way I can..
to conduct research for the environment.
I want to help,
But I feel so powerless.
all this destruction of land, this deep hurt, this pollution, this cold-blooded ******
FOR WHAT?
For money, for greed?
For NOTHING, really.
HOW CAN WE COURSE CORRECT?
WHEN ALL THE BIG PLAYERS DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON, nor THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS?
WHEN THEY DON'T BOTHER TO LEARN HOW THERE'S IMMEASURABLE AND ALMOST IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE BEING DONE TO THE ENVIRONMENT, OUR UNIFYING SKY?
Using our planet as a single-use waste container for purpose of profit and then die off to leave us with the exponentially worsening impact
they don't know how out of balance, how out of touch they were and are with their surroundings
and nobody knows how shaky with violent emotion I feel
I don't know my individual impact on the world around me,
Now that I live in an imperialist society.
I don't know,
I can't quantify it.
I can't quantify it.
How would I do that? How could I begin to keep track, and assign a numerical value to this damage? MY damage?
It feels selfish to do my laundry every week
using products that will harm the environment
Using power, wasting water, using plastic
Throwing out excess food after every shift.
I'm contributing to the problem,
I'm not above it all.
Disgusting waste and
spoilage integrated into our culture.
Every coffee, every to-go, every sandwich that needs it's own wasteful home that only gets used for 5 minutes
I feel as if I'm about to be sick.
How every little thing adds up,
compounds,
contributes,
to producing toxins in a self-sustaining cyclical fashion.
How much it's all connected.
Theres a heavy disgust that stirs and pushes in my chest.
I feel that I'm contaminated.
And I can't clean what's wrong.
I can't fix this sickness within us.
I can try to be hopeful.
Specific,
passionate about changing and contribute to change.
But that will take time, and hard work,
my life is already feeling relentless.
When can I ever rest?
My life requires a level of discipline I wish I could dedicate to
AND attend to basic needs.
In general, I just feel powerless.
And that I am,
Less than a person.
A number that can be manipulated into working to the bone; spending as much money as possible, staying hungry and unwell.
Trying to take up space makes me jump through mental hoops,
My guilt is immense.
I want this to hurt.
And it does.
It feels as though with every repeated ache to my heart,
It might eventually match the inward; how intense, sharp, ebbing,
Shouting to me, THIS
IS
R E A L .
I feel that I am simply
not.
good.
enough.
to help the world.
As I am a human that can't constantly be working and studying.
As I need rest.
It feels as if I am not reading the room yet again.
I am losing time, they need the solutions NOW. Before the point of no return.
I look at my sleep as a time sink.
I've taken naps to substitute for bedtimes this week to get up early and finish lab reports.
Only even doing so because I couldn't continue to focus from physical exhaustion.
What if I let this **** me?
that.
would make it easy. No more fear. No more anxiety, powerlessness. Nothing.
Living is harder.
But.
If I want anything to ever change,
I need to survive this, and
live.
It would be such a waste otherwise.
It would be playing exactly into what they want.
Loss;
of life, of kindness, of hope.
We will all die someday.
And my talents would be wasted if I didn't go into scientific research for the environment though this gift of lifetime.
I am dedicated, observant, attentive, passionate,
and above all,
Relentless.
I will keep going.
I don't have any other choice.
It's hard to live just for me right now.
As I have a complicated relationship with my physical body; getting in the way of my goals.
But I need to stay well.
In order to dedicate myself to something bigger than my own personhood.
I am not a genius; but I am persistent.
I can be trained to not present bias in thousands of experiments; understand the inner workings of instruments, what they can measure for us, method-optimize.
I am powerless right now but I cannot turn away now that I've seen it.
I wonder how many generations of scientists have felt this way.
Voluntarily wanting to go through these horrible, lonely, mental trials,
humiliating, humbling, shaky crises.
Not for status or monetary gain,
But simply just to help.
That's all I've ever wanted to do.
I want to help.
Feb 8
Feb 8, 2026 at 1:45 AM UTC
my prime motive,
revolutionary action,
is to contribute,
any desperate way I can..
to conduct research for the environment.
I want to help,
But I feel so powerless.
all this destruction of land, this deep hurt, this pollution, this cold-blooded ******
FOR WHAT?
For money, for greed?
For NOTHING, really.
HOW CAN WE COURSE CORRECT?
WHEN ALL THE BIG PLAYERS DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON, nor THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS?
WHEN THEY DON'T BOTHER TO LEARN HOW THERE'S IMMEASURABLE AND ALMOST IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE BEING DONE TO THE ENVIRONMENT, OUR UNIFYING SKY?
Using our planet as a single-use waste container for purpose of profit and then die off to leave us with the exponentially worsening impact
they don't know how out of balance, how out of touch they were and are with their surroundings
and nobody knows how shaky with violent emotion I feel
I don't know my individual impact on the world around me,
Now that I live in an imperialist society.
I don't know,
I can't quantify it.
I can't quantify it.
How would I do that? How could I begin to keep track, and assign a numerical value to this damage? MY damage?
It feels selfish to do my laundry every week
using products that will harm the environment
Using power, wasting water, using plastic
Throwing out excess food after every shift.
I'm contributing to the problem,
I'm not above it all.
Disgusting waste and
spoilage integrated into our culture.
Every coffee, every to-go, every sandwich that needs it's own wasteful home that only gets used for 5 minutes
I feel as if I'm about to be sick.
How every little thing adds up,
compounds,
contributes,
to producing toxins in a self-sustaining cyclical fashion.
How much it's all connected.
Theres a heavy disgust that stirs and pushes in my chest.
I feel that I'm contaminated.
And I can't clean what's wrong.
I can't fix this sickness within us.
I can try to be hopeful.
Specific,
passionate about changing and contribute to change.
But that will take time, and hard work,
my life is already feeling relentless.
When can I ever rest?
My life requires a level of discipline I wish I could dedicate to
AND attend to basic needs.
In general, I just feel powerless.
And that I am,
Less than a person.
A number that can be manipulated into working to the bone; spending as much money as possible, staying hungry and unwell.
Trying to take up space makes me jump through mental hoops,
My guilt is immense.
I want this to hurt.
And it does.
It feels as though with every repeated ache to my heart,
It might eventually match the inward; how intense, sharp, ebbing,
Shouting to me, THIS
IS
R E A L .
I feel that I am simply
not.
good.
enough.
to help the world.
As I am a human that can't constantly be working and studying.
As I need rest.
It feels as if I am not reading the room yet again.
I am losing time, they need the solutions NOW. Before the point of no return.
I look at my sleep as a time sink.
I've taken naps to substitute for bedtimes this week to get up early and finish lab reports.
Only even doing so because I couldn't continue to focus from physical exhaustion.
What if I let this **** me?
that.
would make it easy. No more fear. No more anxiety, powerlessness. Nothing.
Living is harder.
But.
If I want anything to ever change,
I need to survive this, and
live.
It would be such a waste otherwise.
It would be playing exactly into what they want.
Loss;
of life, of kindness, of hope.
We will all die someday.
And my talents would be wasted if I didn't go into scientific research for the environment though this gift of lifetime.
I am dedicated, observant, attentive, passionate,
and above all,
Relentless.
I will keep going.
I don't have any other choice.
It's hard to live just for me right now.
As I have a complicated relationship with my physical body; getting in the way of my goals.
But I need to stay well.
In order to dedicate myself to something bigger than my own personhood.
I am not a genius; but I am persistent.
I can be trained to not present bias in thousands of experiments; understand the inner workings of instruments, what they can measure for us, method-optimize.
I am powerless right now but I cannot turn away now that I've seen it.
I wonder how many generations of scientists have felt this way.
Voluntarily wanting to go through these horrible, lonely, mental trials,
humiliating, humbling, shaky crises.
Not for status or monetary gain,
But simply just to help.
That's all I've ever wanted to do.
I want to help.
Working through some feelings from the past month. I'm still early on in my degree that I feel absolutely useless/ powerless, I want to help immediately but I still have a long way to go to understand everything about this complex issue. it's tapping into old destructive feelings. There's nothing I can do but keep going, it won't get better if I give up now.
Reposted, without tw material.
Original Jan 26
