fear has kept me alive for this long.
if I didn't feel fear, I might not feel anything.
and it fades, subtly at first, almost unrecognisable, then in an instant, nothing.
and I find myself asking a common question,
at what point do you draw the line between being alive and just existing?
is it when you wake up and dread the day ahead?
is it when you wake up only to pretend you're not asleep?
is it when you wake up and think maybe I really am dead?
is it when you stand in the shower holding your breath wishing you were at the bottom of the deep end of a strangers pool?
is it when you're not drowning, but not swimming either?
just floating, not contributing, not living, just existing, just quietly, just with closed eyes.
just here,
just.
Apr 5, 2020
Apr 5, 2020 at 6:51 AM UTC
fear has kept me alive for this long.
if I didn't feel fear, I might not feel anything.
and it fades, subtly at first, almost unrecognisable, then in an instant, nothing.
and I find myself asking a common question,
at what point do you draw the line between being alive and just existing?
is it when you wake up and dread the day ahead?
is it when you wake up only to pretend you're not asleep?
is it when you wake up and think maybe I really am dead?
is it when you stand in the shower holding your breath wishing you were at the bottom of the deep end of a strangers pool?
is it when you're not drowning, but not swimming either?
just floating, not contributing, not living, just existing, just quietly, just with closed eyes.
just here,
just.