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______ *I can't give you my trust, I can not get close to you, I can not let you hold me even when I wish for you to, I can not let you show me how you love me like others used too, I struggle when I listen, or try to concentrate, to the things you say, I struggle to communicate my feeling back to you in the same way, I sometimes feel like I'm too demanding of you, I don't know how to do the comedies of a give and take, I feel like I sometimes only take, and leave a burden on top of you, I constantly feel guilty for what I do to you, I feel guilty for the things I do, I get to have you, but I am not worth someone like you, I hope I don't hurt you too bad, on days when I am too sad, I sometimes need to relax and detach. my dissociation won't last forever, I know I am not perfect in this world that is so dull and grey, but I try, I each day, have tried, I empathise more then not, I am sorry more then not, like the fears I cry tears over, I wish I could overcome them, I wish I could stop avoiding my past, I wish I could forget all the bad, make memories that are good and will last, I can't remember day to day tasks, and I can't remember anything un-sad, I wish that when you told me things I could understand it better, I wish I handled things better, learn to fix them on my own, I wish I didn't depend on you for help, but I wouldn't if I could fix it myself. I wish I stopped staying in bad places and leaving the good ones I find, I want to not act so compulsive with these addictions that surround me, I wish I could get rid of the overlaying grief that hangs over me,   I wish I could move on from what has been taken from me, I want to stop letting it exhaust me, I am tired, but never sleep, and to sleep wouldn't help my tiredness, I tried to sleep with you and lay down next to you wide awake, I wish I could of been sleeping as peaceful as you, I feel plagued by all my bad memories, I want them to go away, because they only make it harder for you, I know you don't love me, I know at least you shouldn't love me, I worry that I worry you, and I don't want you to be worried about me, I feel like you deserve more, and better, and should get it. I want to protect you from the damage I can put upon you, I feel the panic inside brews, and I can't rid myself from it, I wish you would save yourself from me. I get angry, and mad, and upset, I do this rather then having an emotional shut down, I hate that I lash out, I don't want to get mad at you, I hate myself, I wish that I could love myself like I used to, I take risks hoping that something better could happen, but it doesn't, I feel alone, I feel abandoned, I feel rejected, I feel helpless, I feel trapped, I know you left because you felt like this I lost you, because of all these things, I know what I did wrong*
0
Mar 2, 2016
Mar 2, 2016 at 12:49 PM UTC
what I did wrong.
______ *I can't give you my trust, I can not get close to you, I can not let you hold me even when I wish for you to, I can not let you show me how you love me like others used too, I struggle when I listen, or try to concentrate, to the things you say, I struggle to communicate my feeling back to you in the same way, I sometimes feel like I'm too demanding of you, I don't know how to do the comedies of a give and take, I feel like I sometimes only take, and leave a burden on top of you, I constantly feel guilty for what I do to you, I feel guilty for the things I do, I get to have you, but I am not worth someone like you, I hope I don't hurt you too bad, on days when I am too sad, I sometimes need to relax and detach. my dissociation won't last forever, I know I am not perfect in this world that is so dull and grey, but I try, I each day, have tried, I empathise more then not, I am sorry more then not, like the fears I cry tears over, I wish I could overcome them, I wish I could stop avoiding my past, I wish I could forget all the bad, make memories that are good and will last, I can't remember day to day tasks, and I can't remember anything un-sad, I wish that when you told me things I could understand it better, I wish I handled things better, learn to fix them on my own, I wish I didn't depend on you for help, but I wouldn't if I could fix it myself. I wish I stopped staying in bad places and leaving the good ones I find, I want to not act so compulsive with these addictions that surround me, I wish I could get rid of the overlaying grief that hangs over me,   I wish I could move on from what has been taken from me, I want to stop letting it exhaust me, I am tired, but never sleep, and to sleep wouldn't help my tiredness, I tried to sleep with you and lay down next to you wide awake, I wish I could of been sleeping as peaceful as you, I feel plagued by all my bad memories, I want them to go away, because they only make it harder for you, I know you don't love me, I know at least you shouldn't love me, I worry that I worry you, and I don't want you to be worried about me, I feel like you deserve more, and better, and should get it. I want to protect you from the damage I can put upon you, I feel the panic inside brews, and I can't rid myself from it, I wish you would save yourself from me. I get angry, and mad, and upset, I do this rather then having an emotional shut down, I hate that I lash out, I don't want to get mad at you, I hate myself, I wish that I could love myself like I used to, I take risks hoping that something better could happen, but it doesn't, I feel alone, I feel abandoned, I feel rejected, I feel helpless, I feel trapped, I know you left because you felt like this I lost you, because of all these things, I know what I did wrong*
my ptsd ruined my relationship, this is a reflection
#hate#want#i#wish#you#do#feel#ptsd#get#take
GodDamnItCat
Written by
GodDamnItCat
Mar 2, 2016
Mar 2, 2016 at 12:49 PM UTC
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