My heart aches, I can feel it. It hangs low in my chest beating.
The pounding creates tsunamis that empty my mind only to come rushing back all the realities that preexisted.
They preexisted in my mind like a psychic generically explaining my life only to be brutally right.
I give life to my worst fears. I hide from the light. I ignore the truth.
The best life has to offer comes directly to me and I deny it like a stubborn child denying his dinner.
This problem persists. I think I know how to live. I think I know what I want.
Unfortunately time exists and it has a direction that never goes back.
There are a unique set of infinite possibilities where I will never exist again.
This is the future. My existence is just one dimension to reality and it's short.
However, my existence also holds a unique set of infinite possibilities.
And I have the ultimate power. I can make decisions and act on them.
This is how I make my reality. This is how to change my reality.
I am so overwhelmed with negativity. I am so afraid of it, I breed negativity.
I long to be held. But once I am embraced, I submit myself to mental torture.
I lose focus. I forget what's important and I take whatever I can.
I convince myself of future loss and failure and manifest it in my life.
If only doing something was as easy as giving up hope when everything is in front of me.
Yelling at me to wake up and look around. They want me to be aware of their existence.
They shake me and hit me and most importantly they try.
What they never get to learn is that I was awake. I saw myself and I was bad.
I closed my eyes again and everything was suddenly gone.
I now see nothing. Because nothing exists except the voice of my mind.
You must embrace the nothingness because you already have everything.
I realize now that I've had happiness. I'm so depressed because I know how happy I can be.
I know how happy I can make others. I miss the days of superficial decisions in a structured world as a child.
I'm in control of my life now and I've decided to make it miserable. I'm the rollercoaster.
These are the loneliest times of my life yet I've never felt so alive.
I've never felt so aware of myself and my surroundings.
I saw things through a tainted heart and now that heart is empty and clear.
This pain is real. The emptiness is real. My suffering is not.
I am capable of love again. I am free. I feel like I can suddenly make all the right decisions.
My past haunts me with ghostly shrieks but they are just sounds.
Be quiet I say. I am in control. I'm getting off this rollercoaster.