It will happen someday
but I'm not looking forward to it
because all I've ever seen
in regards to love
is manipulation and abuse
and being guilted and used
and I don't want to be on either side of that.
you told me I was in love
I was too young to know
that the second the back of your hand
met my 13 year old face
I should've left
but hearing bottles break in my head
from my empty, numb childhood
convinced me to stay instead
I got too close too fast
and started to feel trapped
under the weight of keeping you happy
I contorted myself into something I'm not
stopped letting myself open up
I spit venom at your feet
and walked off
to afraid to look you in the eyes
too numb to say goodbye
I didn't get that close
in the few months we had
but enough to trust you and tell you ****
then feel the burn like acid in my chest
when I left temporarily
and you left, period.
After, of course,
letting me buy you a plane ticket.
I never got close to you
I clarified that that's how
this was supposed to go
but I could see the way you looked at me
in the aftermath of ***
and heard you call me beautiful
so I left...
now I think of us in bed
and cringe, still full of regret
I can feel myself getting close
in the sense that when I leave
I want you to want me to stay the night again
you make me feel protected
and the feeling of that alone
isn't something I expected
and in fact it scares me to death
I keep waiting for it to get ******
but so far, nothing
(convince me to leave).
you used me as a punching bag.
you used me for attention.
you used me for money.
you started to love me.
you...still unclear.
all I know is that I've never felt
textbook style love
without the undertones
of intense apprehension
and fear of the unknown
honestly,
I'm scared as ****
Aug 15, 2015
Aug 15, 2015 at 2:31 AM UTC
It will happen someday
but I'm not looking forward to it
because all I've ever seen
in regards to love
is manipulation and abuse
and being guilted and used
and I don't want to be on either side of that.
you told me I was in love
I was too young to know
that the second the back of your hand
met my 13 year old face
I should've left
but hearing bottles break in my head
from my empty, numb childhood
convinced me to stay instead
I got too close too fast
and started to feel trapped
under the weight of keeping you happy
I contorted myself into something I'm not
stopped letting myself open up
I spit venom at your feet
and walked off
to afraid to look you in the eyes
too numb to say goodbye
I didn't get that close
in the few months we had
but enough to trust you and tell you ****
then feel the burn like acid in my chest
when I left temporarily
and you left, period.
After, of course,
letting me buy you a plane ticket.
I never got close to you
I clarified that that's how
this was supposed to go
but I could see the way you looked at me
in the aftermath of ***
and heard you call me beautiful
so I left...
now I think of us in bed
and cringe, still full of regret
I can feel myself getting close
in the sense that when I leave
I want you to want me to stay the night again
you make me feel protected
and the feeling of that alone
isn't something I expected
and in fact it scares me to death
I keep waiting for it to get ******
but so far, nothing
(convince me to leave).
you used me as a punching bag.
you used me for attention.
you used me for money.
you started to love me.
you...still unclear.
all I know is that I've never felt
textbook style love
without the undertones
of intense apprehension
and fear of the unknown
honestly,
I'm scared as ****
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