I threw you to lions

I listen to Keaton Henson when my head is spinning

My head is constantly spinning

There are 124 moments in a day where I have to close my eyes

because all I can see are his hands

I hated his hands, five fingered noose

When I was eleven my goldfish died

I cried for seventeen days straight because I wanted nothing more

than to take my life back

just so he could have his

I used to keep my closet doors open to the idea of monsters

my feet off the edge of the bed as I slept

so when they reached out for my child toes

I could ask them to save me from the real monsters I saw every day

When I was 14 I recorded my final words on tape cassettes for my family

so I didn't have to breathe anymore

it was too much work

I was too much work

Now, I drink red wine to awake my soul

and I kiss the lips of the wind when I walk

so I don't have to see it as anything but a lover, a friend

Now, I miss the way his hands enveloped mine

and his body felt like beach rocks under my soft water tongue

and I needed his truths but I couldn't look at his bright suns anymore

I'm a lover of the night

and now, I sit up and write about him instead of sitting next to him

because I'm afraid of the music and I'm afraid of perfection

It doesn't seem right to have things handed to me so easily

in tightly wrapped packages with bows and ribbons string

so beautiful like a journal

Now, I leave my light on when I don't sleep

I don't sleep

He was the only part of me that made any sense

but I wasn't used to making sense

so I threw him to the lions

and prayed he'd never let me love him again

One day he'll know he's better off

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