I worry I will never be okay enough to survive.
each step in this life leads me into more trauma
and I am collapsing inside the hands of tragedy.
here I am hiccuping between breaths
and hoping for a hint of harmony-
but my diaphragm won't let me feel it.
everything hurts today
and I am choking on promises
I never got the chance to make.
my therapist tells me it's okay to grieve
the things you never got a chance to have.
well then I will spend most of my life
forgiving everyone for what they never gave me.
I will sit wrapped inside this idea of a happy family
or this idea of monotony and normalcy
or this idea of a friend who doesn't try to take advantage of me
or abuse me, I am exhausted thinking about where I have been.
when will my limbs be enough to pull me up-
when will I be strong enough?
everyone is so quick to let me down
but how can they carry me with this spine
full of trauma, this darkness that weighs on me?
I have been my own backbone for 23 years,
so why can't I do it anymore?
What does stability look like?
Does it have a face that resembles mine?
Will I ever get a chance to know her?
Or is survival the only face I recognize anymore?
When will it turn survivor?
I wrote you notes in high school
and we talked about our future.
I always thought my depression would **** me first-
but at least I know now how badly it would've hurt you.
A car wreck broke my chest
and I'm left here picking up the pieces.
Somehow a death has kept me from leaving.
Apr 11, 2018
Apr 11, 2018 at 2:41 PM UTC
I worry I will never be okay enough to survive.
each step in this life leads me into more trauma
and I am collapsing inside the hands of tragedy.
here I am hiccuping between breaths
and hoping for a hint of harmony-
but my diaphragm won't let me feel it.
everything hurts today
and I am choking on promises
I never got the chance to make.
my therapist tells me it's okay to grieve
the things you never got a chance to have.
well then I will spend most of my life
forgiving everyone for what they never gave me.
I will sit wrapped inside this idea of a happy family
or this idea of monotony and normalcy
or this idea of a friend who doesn't try to take advantage of me
or abuse me, I am exhausted thinking about where I have been.
when will my limbs be enough to pull me up-
when will I be strong enough?
everyone is so quick to let me down
but how can they carry me with this spine
full of trauma, this darkness that weighs on me?
I have been my own backbone for 23 years,
so why can't I do it anymore?
What does stability look like?
Does it have a face that resembles mine?
Will I ever get a chance to know her?
Or is survival the only face I recognize anymore?
When will it turn survivor?
I wrote you notes in high school
and we talked about our future.
I always thought my depression would **** me first-
but at least I know now how badly it would've hurt you.
A car wreck broke my chest
and I'm left here picking up the pieces.
Somehow a death has kept me from leaving.
