I step into the shower
Tears roll down my cheek
I can’t stand to look at my body
What has become of me?
Ohh I want to cut myself
Again and again
Because I feel disgust and want control
I want to shape my body into something
I perceive as beautiful
And that’s anything but me
I try to clean this body of mine
But I can’t wash away my sins
I don’t want to die, but living like this is hell
What I want is to feel something
Anything but this depression
I tired of putting on a bubbly face
I can’t take this anymore
All these pills
And I still don’t feel like me
I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”
But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”
It’s been so many years now
I can’t remember the last time smiled
Genuinely and it lasted
And so I thought to myself: “will I ever get better?”
It’s been a few months
Since I was in the hospital
Coming back home was tough
Leaving school was even harder
I felt like failure
To myself and to my family
And so I thought to myself “am I broken?”
It’s been a couple of weeks now
Since I last self harmed
I still have feelings to do that
But I resist the urges
And so I thought to myself “you’re stronger than this”
I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”
But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore”
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”
But for today,
Please just let me be
I need some rest from fighting
This demon in me
“I don’t want to be alive”
At least not for today
But maybe tomorrow that feeling will change
Mar 24, 2020
Mar 24, 2020 at 8:19 PM UTC
I step into the shower
Tears roll down my cheek
I can’t stand to look at my body
What has become of me?
Ohh I want to cut myself
Again and again
Because I feel disgust and want control
I want to shape my body into something
I perceive as beautiful
And that’s anything but me
I try to clean this body of mine
But I can’t wash away my sins
I don’t want to die, but living like this is hell
What I want is to feel something
Anything but this depression
I tired of putting on a bubbly face
I can’t take this anymore
All these pills
And I still don’t feel like me
I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”
But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”
It’s been so many years now
I can’t remember the last time smiled
Genuinely and it lasted
And so I thought to myself: “will I ever get better?”
It’s been a few months
Since I was in the hospital
Coming back home was tough
Leaving school was even harder
I felt like failure
To myself and to my family
And so I thought to myself “am I broken?”
It’s been a couple of weeks now
Since I last self harmed
I still have feelings to do that
But I resist the urges
And so I thought to myself “you’re stronger than this”
I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”
But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore”
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”
But for today,
Please just let me be
I need some rest from fighting
This demon in me
“I don’t want to be alive”
At least not for today
But maybe tomorrow that feeling will change
I wrote this on March 10, 2020 and have finally built up the courage to post it. I have been struggling with body image issues and severe depression. I am currently in a residential program and am trying to get better. This is all so overwhelming, and writing has calmed me down.