I woke up this morning in a state of despair
My body in panic and I just didn't really care
Except when I don't care, I actually really do
Because the pain that I feel makes that statement untrue
I've barely even lived, and yet at times lived too long
Because this world feels unfamiliar, this world feels so wrong
I don't ever fit in with anyone that's around,
I'm somebody that nobody ever can ground,
I'm up soaring in the air, and then down low in a hole,
And I question myself, do I even have a soul?
As the people I love, can as quick be someone I hate,
They can make me feel awful and then as quickly feel great
When I see something I want, my desire overgrows
Til the temptation takes over, no boundaries it knows
At times I'm invincible, or so myself I convince
Invincibility is a mask, that I've been wearing ever since
My trauma was so painful, the memory it burns
It replays in my mind, it tosses and it turns
It broods and it grows getting bigger and bigger
There's a switch that it flips when there's suddenly a trigger
The person I hide and keep under constraint
Breaks free of it's shackles to over-express it's complaint
I can't take it anymore, I can't bear this distress,
I can't feel this suffocated and a floor heaped hot mess
I can't put on the smile you so want me to bear
I can't hide this pain anymore, it's just not fair
Why do I have to have BPD?
What did I ever do, to be imprisoned and never free?
The trauma I went through, that wasn't my fault
And yet I'm punished each day, by this mental assault
It makes me feel things, I don't want to feel
It makes me react to things that aren't even real
You say I need to grow up, and that I act like child
But I never developed the tools to be reconciled
I act as a child, because it's all that I know
I feel safe under my pillow fort covered by a throw
That child sense of security most people leave behind
Is still very much my haven when safety is hard to find
Trust doesn't come easy, when my trust is always broken
My mind screams it's torment, whilst my lips stay soft-spoken
I don't cry, I pour, and when I'm angry I burn with rage
I try to keep my emotions locked up in a cage
But I feel in extremes, once out, they're let loose,
Connecting a bomb to a very short fuse
Were sorry if you're on the other side of our pain
It can be very difficult to try and refrain
When we feel or think we're about to be abused
Our defence goes up in fear of being battered and bruised
But if it's any consolation, because I know it's a lot,
To deal with each day, I'll understand if you cannot
But when I love, it's without reason, and with passionate fire
You're my only hope, belief, obsession and desire
My illness does not define the truth of who I am,
It explains that I'm suffering, and I do give a ****
So when I say I don't care, I promise I actually really do
I'm scared you will leave, I'm scared you will be untrue,
Out of fear, and out of love, I will push you away,
But if you actually go, I will not cope each day
It's a lot to take in, and I know that it's hard
But together, working together, my life can be easier and less scarred.
May 29, 2019
May 29, 2019 at 12:13 PM UTC
I woke up this morning in a state of despair
My body in panic and I just didn't really care
Except when I don't care, I actually really do
Because the pain that I feel makes that statement untrue
I've barely even lived, and yet at times lived too long
Because this world feels unfamiliar, this world feels so wrong
I don't ever fit in with anyone that's around,
I'm somebody that nobody ever can ground,
I'm up soaring in the air, and then down low in a hole,
And I question myself, do I even have a soul?
As the people I love, can as quick be someone I hate,
They can make me feel awful and then as quickly feel great
When I see something I want, my desire overgrows
Til the temptation takes over, no boundaries it knows
At times I'm invincible, or so myself I convince
Invincibility is a mask, that I've been wearing ever since
My trauma was so painful, the memory it burns
It replays in my mind, it tosses and it turns
It broods and it grows getting bigger and bigger
There's a switch that it flips when there's suddenly a trigger
The person I hide and keep under constraint
Breaks free of it's shackles to over-express it's complaint
I can't take it anymore, I can't bear this distress,
I can't feel this suffocated and a floor heaped hot mess
I can't put on the smile you so want me to bear
I can't hide this pain anymore, it's just not fair
Why do I have to have BPD?
What did I ever do, to be imprisoned and never free?
The trauma I went through, that wasn't my fault
And yet I'm punished each day, by this mental assault
It makes me feel things, I don't want to feel
It makes me react to things that aren't even real
You say I need to grow up, and that I act like child
But I never developed the tools to be reconciled
I act as a child, because it's all that I know
I feel safe under my pillow fort covered by a throw
That child sense of security most people leave behind
Is still very much my haven when safety is hard to find
Trust doesn't come easy, when my trust is always broken
My mind screams it's torment, whilst my lips stay soft-spoken
I don't cry, I pour, and when I'm angry I burn with rage
I try to keep my emotions locked up in a cage
But I feel in extremes, once out, they're let loose,
Connecting a bomb to a very short fuse
Were sorry if you're on the other side of our pain
It can be very difficult to try and refrain
When we feel or think we're about to be abused
Our defence goes up in fear of being battered and bruised
But if it's any consolation, because I know it's a lot,
To deal with each day, I'll understand if you cannot
But when I love, it's without reason, and with passionate fire
You're my only hope, belief, obsession and desire
My illness does not define the truth of who I am,
It explains that I'm suffering, and I do give a ****
So when I say I don't care, I promise I actually really do
I'm scared you will leave, I'm scared you will be untrue,
Out of fear, and out of love, I will push you away,
But if you actually go, I will not cope each day
It's a lot to take in, and I know that it's hard
But together, working together, my life can be easier and less scarred.
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