My father used to say
Only the special ones succeed
So I sang the loudest
And the music teacher heard me
And I landed the solo.
And my mom videotaped it
And cried the whole way through
And everyone cried
Even me
Especially when I realized
How proud they were
And how happy that made me feel
And those were the days
Of running on the playground
And hitting my head
And being rushed to the nurse
And my father said
*Well, that’s what happens
When children play around.*
My mother used to say
I was born to be a star
So I sang the loudest
And wrote the fastest
And dreamed the biggest
And wrote a book
And joined the band
And my mother told me
She was my biggest fan.
And she hugged me tight
And told me she was right
And even when the flute gave me a headache
I kept playing
And playing
And playing.
When I was fifteen
I wrote poetry
In the dead of night
Inspired by
Cruel words exchanged below
Fueled by alcohol
And a daughter’s disgust
But sometimes
When I disappeared
Into the black-and-white world
Of pen and parchment
My sister would drag me out
With her new red car
That would later be repossessed
Because mother forgot she had bills
And we would eat ice cream
And never talk about what happened
To anyone who mattered
Because that’s what happens
When children play along
And even though the nights
Kept me awake and kept me
In and out of doctor’s offices
I would just smile and play it off
And kept playing
And playing
And playing.
My father used to say
*Life ***** and then you die*
And I never believed him
Because he also used to say
We were the only reason
They survived this long
But then one day
In a fit of rage
He leveled his gaze
And told my sister
He would choose her over us
And that was the day
I decided I believed him
So I threw away my book
And I forgot about the flute
And I sang quietly
And I lost my smile
Hidden among the pages
Smeared with running ink
Because I am an adult now
And playing is for children.