Who’s going to take your mind away

tonight

Brown eyed, blue eyed, green eyed devil,

angel

Loneliness has no bounds

Dreamt of you
a dance riddled land
Black silky this and lacey topped that

You smelled of dreams and tasted of desire
Untouched
Oz has no rules

The softest skin has no feeling
Your loveless being
Mannequin dream

music danced in the air between
you and I
This hearts song to your def hearts beat

Seems the suns set, seems my suns set
Seems we have no meaning
Whiskey washed, this hearts dream

A green eyed, blue eyed, brown eyed devils scheme
Your tongue sets me free
Your touch

I will never be free

ac-brooks-1

mannequin dream

Jun 6, 2026

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cliff-dahlberg

Wow. This is great. I love the imagery and the way you structure the poem. Good write, well done.

monica-rose

Brooks, 

You can definitely fix up some grammar in this piece. 
I think all of the blue-eye etc. should be hyphenated, unless you have some effect you want from that. 
This line: "angel"...doesn't do anything for me. I'm not sure why its there. I'm not sure what it means or what its supposed to be...maybe you could enlighten me on that. 

"Black silky this and lacey topped that"
-i like this line

"Oz has no rules"
-this line to me, sticks out, stops the fluidity of your poem. I see where you are going with this, but I'm not sure that saying in this way is particularly awesome. I think you could find a better way, which would be more cohesive with the rest of your piece. 
Also its place in the poem...is kind of random. Almost like an interjection. 

"This hearts song to your def hearts beat"
>"This heart's song to your deaf heart's beat"
the apostrophes are kind of essential here and also here
"Seems the suns set, seems my suns set"
I believe you want it to be "sun's" so it means "sun is"
And again in this line
"A green eyed, blue eyed, brown eyed devils"
"devil's scheme"

What do you think of this alteration to your ending:
"Your tongue sets me free
OF your touch

I will never be free"

Well, those are all my comments, but its a good work in progress, I definitely like some of the imagery and description in this. 










lori-carlson

I just want to begin with some praise.. this took me back to the 80s movie, Mannequin, which I've seen at least a dozen or more times. For the most part, I love the flow of this poem and some of the imagery.

I agree with Monica, hyphens and apostrophes are needed. Removing "Tonight" and "Angel" and tightening those three lines will make that stanza flow like the rest of the poem. The Oz part made me think we'd gone into another movie... and the tornado was no fun... maybe rework that?

All in all, this is a great first run on this poem. Good luck with it.