frantically drawing boundaries
a childhood filled with people louder and angrier
insults thrown across, boomeranging into stings on cheeks
loud nights, where breaths, laughs, tears were stifled
under covers, my escapes built on castles of words
so now at nights, i continue running across drawbridges
made of bitten nails, dry throats, cheeks already tingling
moats of cotton blankets, sweet moonlit tones
how did you learn when to stop caring?
how did you learn to care for yourself?
selfishness i never learnt
loving myself a concept foreign
now my brows crinkle when i think
of myself and questions naturally
arise when i consider doing anything
for myself
working to the bones, bank balance grows
why do i still not do anything i ever dreamt of?
shadows of insecurities and anxieties
rains of tears and never being enough
i never learnt how to be a human for myself
i look for the next avenue to turn
for others to care for
but i learn and learn-
no one really cares
i flail and panic, my arms lashing for the shores
sinking again into my dreams
my nerves keeping on asking, "if not not, when? when? when?"
echoing "when" in my ears as i try to sleep
i muffle it all and drown it in the neons of social media
television shows
drinks with people who won't remember my name
presents for people who have already forgotten my name
my shoulders sag as i head home
the heaviness of leaving and pain of my existence
now that it does not cost anyone else anything
feels less burdensome but why does it still hurt so much?
life is really not that bad anymore
why do i still hurt so much on the inside?
why do everyone's voices sound so sharp coming down the phone?