i’ll never forget how lonely those early days felt.
the world felt like a house locked from the inside,
and i kept knocking like an idiot, still believing in manners
mornings were waiting rooms,
the air thick with other people’s plans
and often i learned to shrink
i measured my worth in small transactions
a returned text,
a glance that didn’t slide away,
an appointment kept
the sums were always short
my ledger was always negative and
no one bothered to ask
i learned to celebrate crumbs as if they were banquets,
practiced gratitude
until it resembled a prayer
i became fluent in absence
the silence after hello,
the way voices softened around me,
the neat interruptions that proved
i was never the matter at hand
i watered a garden that never knew my name
and watched everything i offered
turn to dust on the windowsill
i held myself like a promise deferred,
postponed
bracketed
i rehearsed bravery until my hands cramped,
then settled into the habit of not being owed
patience turned bitter
and often endurance felt like a faith
with an empty altar
at night, i catalogued the small betrayals
plans that dissolved,
conversations cut mid-sentence,
the easy forgetfulness of people
who remembered only themselves
this is a confession.
i am done excusing absence as inevitability
i am done measuring my worth
by the attention of those
who treat me as optional
i am done calling invisibility survival
if you read this and think the cure is simple:
speak
don’t polish guilt into gestures
say what you mean
make room
refuse the easy cruelty
of looking past someone
as if they were some scenery
and to the younger version of me,
sitting in cold rooms
with colder feet
i’m sorry i told you to wait
i’m sorry i made patience
a virtue that cost too much
you deserved a witness
i won’t let those early days
define what comes next
if memory insists on carrying weight,
let it carry this instead:
i kept the lights on anyway
even when the house was mostly shadows,
even when no one came to check the fuse,
i tended the small flame.
and that stubborn, foolish light
is enough proof i existed.
Oct 14, 2025
Oct 14, 2025 at 2:15 PM UTC
i’ll never forget how lonely those early days felt.
the world felt like a house locked from the inside,
and i kept knocking like an idiot, still believing in manners
mornings were waiting rooms,
the air thick with other people’s plans
and often i learned to shrink
i measured my worth in small transactions
a returned text,
a glance that didn’t slide away,
an appointment kept
the sums were always short
my ledger was always negative and
no one bothered to ask
i learned to celebrate crumbs as if they were banquets,
practiced gratitude
until it resembled a prayer
i became fluent in absence
the silence after hello,
the way voices softened around me,
the neat interruptions that proved
i was never the matter at hand
i watered a garden that never knew my name
and watched everything i offered
turn to dust on the windowsill
i held myself like a promise deferred,
postponed
bracketed
i rehearsed bravery until my hands cramped,
then settled into the habit of not being owed
patience turned bitter
and often endurance felt like a faith
with an empty altar
at night, i catalogued the small betrayals
plans that dissolved,
conversations cut mid-sentence,
the easy forgetfulness of people
who remembered only themselves
this is a confession.
i am done excusing absence as inevitability
i am done measuring my worth
by the attention of those
who treat me as optional
i am done calling invisibility survival
if you read this and think the cure is simple:
speak
don’t polish guilt into gestures
say what you mean
make room
refuse the easy cruelty
of looking past someone
as if they were some scenery
and to the younger version of me,
sitting in cold rooms
with colder feet
i’m sorry i told you to wait
i’m sorry i made patience
a virtue that cost too much
you deserved a witness
i won’t let those early days
define what comes next
if memory insists on carrying weight,
let it carry this instead:
i kept the lights on anyway
even when the house was mostly shadows,
even when no one came to check the fuse,
i tended the small flame.
and that stubborn, foolish light
is enough proof i existed.
title's from "wasting by life away" by imar on spotify