The truth,
I want to go back.
To my old ways , 
Cold hearted & wicked .
Living the days dazed.
Being lost in the clouds.
smoking My Self gone .
No pain , no emotions,
 no thoughts, no worries.
Most importantly, 
No memories.

Truth is,
As miserable as the life is,
I don’t mind it.
I don’t fear the though of getting 
Smoked out till I lose my mind 
Completely.
I don’t fear the life Of a tweaker.

Why is this.
My life’s been **** since I’ve tried to get sober . 
I’ve found no happiness,
No reasons to smile .
Life sober now ? 
Is double the sadness.
I can’t manage to ever do right .
I try & try but I always fail.
Fail to succeed something awesome .

My mind is luring me back .
My addictive mind is Taking over

Pearlsmoke

Bck 2 old

Jun 6, 2026

June 2026

2026

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AmandaKayBurke

It gets better as hard as that is to believe. It will probably get worse before the rides shift but once you start taking a good look at the subtle yet demanding changes in your everyday life you'll be grateful to yourself for making the decision to live sober. You will be so thankful to be aware and alive. Keep fighting!!

micrography-mike-d

You ever have to clean a room or something similar and realize that to truly clean up at first you need to make a bigger mess? Echoes of this ring true in sobriety. A lot of it is because you start to feel, experience and therefore, in a way that doesn't include using, have to cope and deal with shit. Failure sucks. Nobody likes it. But no one successful ever got there without failure. No one who is truly happy ever found that happiness without failure somewhere within his or her journey. Using only numbs but that's also why we love it. It numbs everything from life's daily monotony to our deepest darkest secrets/fears/issues. But that's not living. It may bring a momentary "instant gratification" but it's fleeting and often doesn't hit the mark. And I don't know about you but I found it to be an unsustainable business model. Using usually doesn't include working but does include (require) money. Illegal actions illicit illegal actions which usually brings about a shit load of other problems either worse, or at the very least in addition to, the shit you were numbing to escape from in the first place. Like water swirling down the drain, that's the "life" (existence) using brings about. Continued use stomps over and over again on any possibility of life until life is wasted completely. That doesn't mean that sobriety is all rainbows and unicorns (as you've expressed here). I have almost eight years of sobriety under my belt and even while sobre I've had some epic fails during that time. I destroyed a long term relationship with someone I care about deeply and I flushed an entire career down the drain. But neither was because of drug use. Each had to do with (in similar but also different ways) unresolved issues I needed to address. So, I seeked out counseling and I'm working on it. Do you know how badly I wanted to get high and forget it all? One phone call and I was there. But then I remembered all the people I had hurt when I was using. People that are very close to me. Family. Friends. Could I do that to them again? Could I let them or myself down like that? Then I think of the months it took for me to even start feeling somewhat normal. Did I want to go down that hole again only to have to reclimb that hill? Fuck that. Sure, life's not fair. Often times it sucks more than it's great. Hopefully though, day-to-day, it sort of meander's in the middle with a steadiness. It doesn't happen over night obviously and will forever be a "work in progress" which means successes and set backs too. Like I said, while sober I still lost things that were important to me but at least I was able to genuinely give it a shot. If I was getting high I never would have had a chance. And even though I lost those things the loss allowed me to uncover other things I needed to work on. So, I choose to look at that as a positive out of a negative. Look, this is long and I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound preachy. But I feel what you're feeling and I just wanted to reach out. It's very easy to make the wrong choice. It's the devil tempting you. Life requires hard work which can often times seem daunting, endless and unforgiving. But you must continue forward. Failure is not a weakness. To be truly weak is to give up. Stay strong and reach out to those who love and care for you. You can always message me if you want. I'm just some dude over the internet but I can listen and offer advice if you want. Again sorry for the long rant. It's just that your poem resonated with me.

ashleyq5

Yeah, life would be shit with alcohol. I do think the issue is the mind, or what French philosopher Lacan called, the order of symbology, and Freud, the ego; however, you can calm it through meditation. Just a suggestion.