You are not for me; I need to let you go. Lack of means in more than one way and prior relations have us locked in our separate positions. If only for once more I could hold you to my breast like I did that one night you called my lips cherubim red and I did not squint. You have not known how much you were the sweetest thing that happened to me in that thin sliver of time we spent together.
We cannot stay. We cannot stay like this. Sometimes the need to see you is strong but I know an impossible affair, as well as endeavour. Sweet smiles shared on the phone summarily lifted the fog on the awareness of each other’s existence. All too familiar and yet a new sound your heavily accented voice was. We had not exchanged a word in months, maybe a year even but how we seemed to breathe the same air and kissed the same thoughts during these nightly hours we spoke. Resounding in the obscure vacuum that was, though cannot be called, a relationship. For this, one needs to know the other often enough, at least in the mind. It is suspended across the space and time we live.
Soon we have the opportunity to meet by chance but if I lived only for this moment I would be wasting my time. Furthermore, I have not thought to bring you anything but myself and maybe a small reminder of the country I live in. This is a little mock bird, supposedly a sparrow shaped thing, tiny mascot to a nationalist sentiment of sports themed victories. Its tail reads two lines to my not so national anthem.
This last night our voices met it was like rekindling lost hope yet keeping it in stasis simultaneously. How brave and nervous you sounded through that landline, surging all across the way through underwater cables. And we discussed all our difficulties and doubts as though we had been long lost lovers trying to rediscover each other’s souls in spite of our absent bodies, fearful to disappoint the other from our learned perspectives and life experiences. It was not long before we declared our love in hesitantly explorative tones. You were prepared to take it back again.
I want to change we way we are to one another. But now, with time passed and these thoughts and words are reduced to mere passing sentences inside a screened window. Mostly I know of no answers but when they do come they are ever so lovely and kind. And they shout your loneliness from across the sea that divides us.
I know that you are strong, stronger than I have known you before. Though you do not realise...
So I believe this will be our road not taken, despite the one night we embarked upon it in temporary foolishness. The best mistake I could have ever made.
© June 17th 2014