I thought You were filled with light.
I was just a pathetic,
Unworthy,
Insignificant pupil,
Bathing and ravishing in
Your words,
Your warmth,
And your love.
I believed You to be illuminated from within.
And when I had You,
You were all I needed.
When I ate,
I thanked You.
When I prayed,
I praised You.
When I was miserable,
I would rest on my knees,
And plead, “Why?”
Because, You would know.
Then, one night, deep in prayer,
Exploring You,
Contemplating You,
Learning You,
Knowing You,
I realized that You were a mirror.
And the cracks showed.
My faith’s leaves witnessed winter.
As I birthed sorrow and grief,
I watched tears rain onto you,
And you looked into me, curiously.
I saw you not as a sun,
Not a reaction,
But the reflective plane
Of a false prophet.
What you knew is what I knew,
Cleverly repackaged,
Recycled,
And chewed into something I had
Always wanted.
Your ideas,
The concepts you shared which I thought
To be yours alone,
Were mine.
I wanted to hear me,
But from someone else.
What do you know?
What you know,
Is what I know,
And I know nothing.
I am infantile in my perceptions,
Primitive in my conjecture,
Handicapped in my understanding.
I wanted to believe I was brilliant,
And you made me think I was,
By being me.
As you expressed concern,
The world trembled.
I tore away,
I realized I was drowning.
I was suffocating in an infinitely reiterating
Record of my own delusions.
The world was as I had seen it from birth,
But you dressed it up in prettier colors.
You saw my void.
You saw what I wanted,
And you acted the part.
I just didn’t realize I was writing your lines.
The euphoria was a hallow can,
And the truth rattled inside like an old penny.
Your smile turned crooked,
Your voice, once a song, was now a snarl.
Your arms, once a meadow, now vines,
Attempted to wrap around me.
The thorns scratched and tore
As the stalks tangled around my limbs,
Tore at my soul,
And attempted to ensnare my love.
I denied you, the vines burned away,
And the sheep’s clothing slipped off.
The banshee wailed,
And the night quivered.
This wolf,
Her mouth frothing with
Panic and anger,
Her fangs gleaming
With the light I now realize
I was emitting,
Her ears laid back,
Her face twisted and mutated
Into some horrifying grimace.
The melancholy turned to fear,
As this delicate,
Intricate flower’s petals fell off,
And the stem became a spear.
You attacked,
The offense of a thousand resentments
Pouring out into a bowl of confessions.
You wanted me dancing in your palm,
And you thought demoralizations
Would provide the beat.
Your claws raked against my ears
With the desperate scratches
Of a predator losing its meal.
I freed myself from the rusty,
Screeching jaws of an old trap
You’ve set before.
My fear,
Now contempt,
Now betrayal,
Now resolved.
I was done,
I was ready to eat my folly,
But, you wanted me to fast.
You wanted me in your future,
I wished you free of my past.
Oct 11, 2011
Oct 11, 2011 at 10:10 PM UTC
I thought You were filled with light.
I was just a pathetic,
Unworthy,
Insignificant pupil,
Bathing and ravishing in
Your words,
Your warmth,
And your love.
I believed You to be illuminated from within.
And when I had You,
You were all I needed.
When I ate,
I thanked You.
When I prayed,
I praised You.
When I was miserable,
I would rest on my knees,
And plead, “Why?”
Because, You would know.
Then, one night, deep in prayer,
Exploring You,
Contemplating You,
Learning You,
Knowing You,
I realized that You were a mirror.
And the cracks showed.
My faith’s leaves witnessed winter.
As I birthed sorrow and grief,
I watched tears rain onto you,
And you looked into me, curiously.
I saw you not as a sun,
Not a reaction,
But the reflective plane
Of a false prophet.
What you knew is what I knew,
Cleverly repackaged,
Recycled,
And chewed into something I had
Always wanted.
Your ideas,
The concepts you shared which I thought
To be yours alone,
Were mine.
I wanted to hear me,
But from someone else.
What do you know?
What you know,
Is what I know,
And I know nothing.
I am infantile in my perceptions,
Primitive in my conjecture,
Handicapped in my understanding.
I wanted to believe I was brilliant,
And you made me think I was,
By being me.
As you expressed concern,
The world trembled.
I tore away,
I realized I was drowning.
I was suffocating in an infinitely reiterating
Record of my own delusions.
The world was as I had seen it from birth,
But you dressed it up in prettier colors.
You saw my void.
You saw what I wanted,
And you acted the part.
I just didn’t realize I was writing your lines.
The euphoria was a hallow can,
And the truth rattled inside like an old penny.
Your smile turned crooked,
Your voice, once a song, was now a snarl.
Your arms, once a meadow, now vines,
Attempted to wrap around me.
The thorns scratched and tore
As the stalks tangled around my limbs,
Tore at my soul,
And attempted to ensnare my love.
I denied you, the vines burned away,
And the sheep’s clothing slipped off.
The banshee wailed,
And the night quivered.
This wolf,
Her mouth frothing with
Panic and anger,
Her fangs gleaming
With the light I now realize
I was emitting,
Her ears laid back,
Her face twisted and mutated
Into some horrifying grimace.
The melancholy turned to fear,
As this delicate,
Intricate flower’s petals fell off,
And the stem became a spear.
You attacked,
The offense of a thousand resentments
Pouring out into a bowl of confessions.
You wanted me dancing in your palm,
And you thought demoralizations
Would provide the beat.
Your claws raked against my ears
With the desperate scratches
Of a predator losing its meal.
I freed myself from the rusty,
Screeching jaws of an old trap
You’ve set before.
My fear,
Now contempt,
Now betrayal,
Now resolved.
I was done,
I was ready to eat my folly,
But, you wanted me to fast.
You wanted me in your future,
I wished you free of my past.
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