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I always let Them do this to me. I give Them so much power over me, though I know They will only abuse it. I freely sacrifice my happiness and well being, I treat them as gods to be worshiped. I only seem able to love Them when they are broken. I allow myself to be "allowed" freedom, I ask for permission and fear for forgiveness. I willingly walk through the flames, I reduce myself to ashes. I do not deserve the same sacrifices. I am just lucky to be in Their presence, I am blessed that They have chosen Me. I should show more gratitude, I must continue to earn Their favor. I am unworthy of better. I say "I" to avoid Their anger, I blame and humble myself. I struggle to string precise words together, I craft intentional apologies for alleged wrongs. I internalize the guilt and the pain. I lie and say I'm not a victim, I smile and look at Them with love and adoration. I hide from my reflection so that I can pretend my soul isn't bleeding dry. I can't stay but I don't know how to leave. I feel isolation setting in, I am losing the army I once had at my back. I am losing more hope everyday, I hear the lies in my thoughts threatening to unravel me. I have to find a way to run. I tried before, but turned back, I am weak and believe the lies that make me turn around. I have to let go of the excuses that are holding me, I can't continue to hear the pleading, begging, the manipulation. I never escape for long, They come back with a new mask. I cannot fall for Them again. I will not survive one more of Them. I always let Them do this, but I cannot let Them anymore.
0
Feb 26, 2019
Feb 26, 2019 at 9:38 AM UTC
Break the Cycle
I always let Them do this to me. I give Them so much power over me, though I know They will only abuse it. I freely sacrifice my happiness and well being, I treat them as gods to be worshiped. I only seem able to love Them when they are broken. I allow myself to be "allowed" freedom, I ask for permission and fear for forgiveness. I willingly walk through the flames, I reduce myself to ashes. I do not deserve the same sacrifices. I am just lucky to be in Their presence, I am blessed that They have chosen Me. I should show more gratitude, I must continue to earn Their favor. I am unworthy of better. I say "I" to avoid Their anger, I blame and humble myself. I struggle to string precise words together, I craft intentional apologies for alleged wrongs. I internalize the guilt and the pain. I lie and say I'm not a victim, I smile and look at Them with love and adoration. I hide from my reflection so that I can pretend my soul isn't bleeding dry. I can't stay but I don't know how to leave. I feel isolation setting in, I am losing the army I once had at my back. I am losing more hope everyday, I hear the lies in my thoughts threatening to unravel me. I have to find a way to run. I tried before, but turned back, I am weak and believe the lies that make me turn around. I have to let go of the excuses that are holding me, I can't continue to hear the pleading, begging, the manipulation. I never escape for long, They come back with a new mask. I cannot fall for Them again. I will not survive one more of Them. I always let Them do this, but I cannot let Them anymore.
wordsbyask
Written by
wordsbyask
28/F
Feb 26, 2019
Feb 26, 2019 at 9:38 AM UTC
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