Forgiveness chills
I’m lying in my bed the yellow lights are off
My television is on but I’m listing to my radio
Wearing
Black basketball shorts and a white T-shirt
Feeling kind of sick in my heart
I’ve been passing away for years
But I’m afraid to share my fears
To anyone most people don’t care about what I have to say
Especially if it’s about my problems
This pen is my blood and the paper is my flesh
This is my world
Nobody can tell me what to say, how to think, or how to feel
I’m not soft, or gay; not a *****
I can cry all day if I want too
I’m my own man and ill stand my ground for what I believe in
First thing I want to say I miss you daddy
But when you came over last summer I was 20 years old
I still hated you for what you put me, my brother, and my mom through
I wondered to myself how she could forgive you after all you did
You weren’t really there for me growing up because you were drunk
You made me feel worthless with your words of encouragement
When I was 9 years old why did
You always compare me to the other kids?
Wasn’t I good enough just being your son?
If I’m your favorite why when I didn’t know something or disappointed you, hitting me was your only option?
Wasn’t I smart enough for you?
Why couldn’t I watch cartoons when I was over your house at 10 years old were I too immature for you?
Do you know that I still watch cartoons now at 21?
Am I being childish for enjoying the amusement from it?
My brother thinks I am but he’s holding on to the past
Sometimes I watch TV to escape my problems
And some things I do not want to talk about because it’s too hard for me to express my true feelings
And I tend to judge myself really quickly I don’t think I have to say doesn’t matter because my needs wont be met, because people just don’t care I am always second place, if I try to change that I’ll be acting selfish to my friends and family, plus they just don’t understand me so I am like ***** it why does it matter and I develop a not give a **** attitude towards the situation
What can I do
I can’t change people’s opinions about me?
That’s why I write instead of speaking my thoughts
I can gather my scrambled up emotions together
Because If I say exactly what’s on my mind most likely it going to be negative and hurtful or sometimes my accent gets in the way and I get frustrated and I loose my temper because I’m sensitive so usually I hold stuff on the inside
Until I
Explode with anger and I end up feeling misunderstood
And people think I’m crazy
And I have to apologize for my actions
That’s ****** up
I can’t be nice all the time
I deserve to be heard and seen in my family
But the way that you and mom raised me to never be disrespectful to my parents or other adults
But I’m so angry
I wish that you were a better father
Maybe my child hood would have felt less isolated
But I sit here in this cold hard corner in my
Mind
I might as well be locked up in a cage
With nothing but stale bread and water to eat
I used to starve myself from food and love
For myself growing up
I
Thought that I deserved to feel like dirt
I am a bad child that cursed his peer’s everyday
Because I felt different and I couldn’t speak English clearly
But my brothers had no problems fitting in
I never had real friends they either backstabbed me or they only wanted me for my money
My mom couldn’t really be there for me because she had to work during the weekdays
Maybe I was being to clingy but what do you expect
When people you love either leave you or let you down all the time
Plus I was separated from my mom for 4 years
She and my
Grandmother were the only ones there for me
When you were absent from your responsibility
But they couldn’t teach me how to be a man
I wish that someone would have told me growing that I’m ok to just being myself
I can cry and if I make a mistake I shouldn’t beat myself up
Don’t be mad at yourself or your life, you’re not a loser,
And you’re not Gay for being sensitive or compassionate,
Love yourself first no matter what bad things people say about you you’re a good person and you’re not crazy
Go get whatever you want in life
(Shannon) you can have anything or anyone if you try hard even if you fall a 100 times
Just because you don’t get things done as fast as other people doesn’t mean that you’re slow or weak
Dad you should have been there by my side
Telling me all those things but you’re not here
When I speak to you on the phone I don’t listen to you not just because I want to be stubborn but because I don’t trust myself enough to embrace your love and your advice
I always second guess your words to see if they’re genuine
Because I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t know who to Trust?
Sometimes I don’t act myself because I’m always worried about what other people think
Wondering if they like me for me or what I have sometimes
I’d bend over backwards so I can make people happy
Now I consistently analyze people’s words and actions to see if it’s an act.
Dad I need your help can you give me another chance to forgive you and other people for hurting me?
Its hardest things for me to do
I’m scared that if I let go how things are going to change
Will anyone I know be there to catch my wondering soul?
If I release this control I think I have over my life will happiness come knocking at my door?
Will I finally find out what love is?
Then maybe I’ll love myself and my life?
Should I take a leap of Faith?
I love you dad please forgive me
So I can forgive myself
Thank you.
Written By
© Shannon Pollard
May 20, 2015
May 20, 2015 at 4:56 PM UTC
Forgiveness chills
I’m lying in my bed the yellow lights are off
My television is on but I’m listing to my radio
Wearing
Black basketball shorts and a white T-shirt
Feeling kind of sick in my heart
I’ve been passing away for years
But I’m afraid to share my fears
To anyone most people don’t care about what I have to say
Especially if it’s about my problems
This pen is my blood and the paper is my flesh
This is my world
Nobody can tell me what to say, how to think, or how to feel
I’m not soft, or gay; not a *****
I can cry all day if I want too
I’m my own man and ill stand my ground for what I believe in
First thing I want to say I miss you daddy
But when you came over last summer I was 20 years old
I still hated you for what you put me, my brother, and my mom through
I wondered to myself how she could forgive you after all you did
You weren’t really there for me growing up because you were drunk
You made me feel worthless with your words of encouragement
When I was 9 years old why did
You always compare me to the other kids?
Wasn’t I good enough just being your son?
If I’m your favorite why when I didn’t know something or disappointed you, hitting me was your only option?
Wasn’t I smart enough for you?
Why couldn’t I watch cartoons when I was over your house at 10 years old were I too immature for you?
Do you know that I still watch cartoons now at 21?
Am I being childish for enjoying the amusement from it?
My brother thinks I am but he’s holding on to the past
Sometimes I watch TV to escape my problems
And some things I do not want to talk about because it’s too hard for me to express my true feelings
And I tend to judge myself really quickly I don’t think I have to say doesn’t matter because my needs wont be met, because people just don’t care I am always second place, if I try to change that I’ll be acting selfish to my friends and family, plus they just don’t understand me so I am like ***** it why does it matter and I develop a not give a **** attitude towards the situation
What can I do
I can’t change people’s opinions about me?
That’s why I write instead of speaking my thoughts
I can gather my scrambled up emotions together
Because If I say exactly what’s on my mind most likely it going to be negative and hurtful or sometimes my accent gets in the way and I get frustrated and I loose my temper because I’m sensitive so usually I hold stuff on the inside
Until I
Explode with anger and I end up feeling misunderstood
And people think I’m crazy
And I have to apologize for my actions
That’s ****** up
I can’t be nice all the time
I deserve to be heard and seen in my family
But the way that you and mom raised me to never be disrespectful to my parents or other adults
But I’m so angry
I wish that you were a better father
Maybe my child hood would have felt less isolated
But I sit here in this cold hard corner in my
Mind
I might as well be locked up in a cage
With nothing but stale bread and water to eat
I used to starve myself from food and love
For myself growing up
I
Thought that I deserved to feel like dirt
I am a bad child that cursed his peer’s everyday
Because I felt different and I couldn’t speak English clearly
But my brothers had no problems fitting in
I never had real friends they either backstabbed me or they only wanted me for my money
My mom couldn’t really be there for me because she had to work during the weekdays
Maybe I was being to clingy but what do you expect
When people you love either leave you or let you down all the time
Plus I was separated from my mom for 4 years
She and my
Grandmother were the only ones there for me
When you were absent from your responsibility
But they couldn’t teach me how to be a man
I wish that someone would have told me growing that I’m ok to just being myself
I can cry and if I make a mistake I shouldn’t beat myself up
Don’t be mad at yourself or your life, you’re not a loser,
And you’re not Gay for being sensitive or compassionate,
Love yourself first no matter what bad things people say about you you’re a good person and you’re not crazy
Go get whatever you want in life
(Shannon) you can have anything or anyone if you try hard even if you fall a 100 times
Just because you don’t get things done as fast as other people doesn’t mean that you’re slow or weak
Dad you should have been there by my side
Telling me all those things but you’re not here
When I speak to you on the phone I don’t listen to you not just because I want to be stubborn but because I don’t trust myself enough to embrace your love and your advice
I always second guess your words to see if they’re genuine
Because I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t know who to Trust?
Sometimes I don’t act myself because I’m always worried about what other people think
Wondering if they like me for me or what I have sometimes
I’d bend over backwards so I can make people happy
Now I consistently analyze people’s words and actions to see if it’s an act.
Dad I need your help can you give me another chance to forgive you and other people for hurting me?
Its hardest things for me to do
I’m scared that if I let go how things are going to change
Will anyone I know be there to catch my wondering soul?
If I release this control I think I have over my life will happiness come knocking at my door?
Will I finally find out what love is?
Then maybe I’ll love myself and my life?
Should I take a leap of Faith?
I love you dad please forgive me
So I can forgive myself
Thank you.
Written By
© Shannon Pollard
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