Twilight whispers
Dreaming fingertips
In the candle's soft glow
Sweet air, melody and harmony
Painting voices in your eyes.

Shadow dancing
With the perfect reflection,
My clear vision
You shimmer;
Fading back to blind.

Too many quiet times
Between cacophonies of silence
The hysteria of nothing
What to do
Unmentioned glances.

Gallantly standing against
Agony to be waiting
Wings of desires,
What could be
Only an apparition's dream.

What, so...
Black and white
Quietly in and out of
Softly focus...

j-byron-maxson

Fading back to blind

Jun 6, 2026

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john-patrick-robbins-aka-gonzo

Perfect flow to this a very dream like quality once i truely admire a toastto this my friend perfect in every sense cheers

kim-keith

The tone of this piece has been set in such a manner so as it leaves no question in a reader's mind--softness and a yen for someone.

While I love the last line of the first stanza, you have an awful lot of gerunds in there.  And there's two right in a row with "singing/Painting".  That's a bit much and it detracts from the pleasant effect of the first stanza.  

I also would question the line break of the second line.  The first and last words of a line are typically the most important and special attention gets called to them--especially the last word.  When I edit poetry, I look to the end words to determine if there is a rhyme scheme that I'm to pay attention to or if there are weak words at the end or beginning of a poem--if I see the latter too much, I reject pieces for that reason.  And if I do it, I'm sure there are other editors that do as well.

In your second stanza, you have a tired phrase: "Shadow dancing".  This is a common phrase and it gets highlighted because of how original "Painting voices in your eyes" is.  You also have another questionable line break on that line with the last word being "the" again.  There is only one major poet that has ever used such line breaks and she was asked why--you'll be asked the same question should you continue to do this, be forewarned.

Deafening silence is also an overused phrase.  And I wasn't sure what you meant by "The hysteria of not,"  and how that would relate to the previous line since there is no end stop punctuation to close out the last phrase.  And even if there were, "The hysteria of not" begs the question of "not what?" which is ironic since what is the next word.  That word starts another awkward line break.

I like the sound of "Gallantly standing against"--nice assonance.  I felt that the word agony should have been on the end of this line to bring more of a punch to that word, but that's my opinion.  The line break stands okay as it is.

Waiting in the wings is another trite phrase.

I didn't understand the importance of "What, so..." as a line.  That isn't an entire thought, which warrants the ellipses (which are frowned upon by editors, by the way--however, you've used them correctly here).  And there needs to be something between the last line and the  one before it.  When those two are together, "Softly" does not fit.  

Overall, the tone is what is highly attractive in this piece and you have some beautiful moments in your poem.  I hope that these comments will give you a good starting point for your next draft and I look forward to seeing future versions of this poem.

Happy writing,
Kim

alexander-montgomery-dawson

I think this is very well written. Only, it's hard to understand what you are writing about. But I also enjoy that in poems.

robert-zanfad

The first stanza took my attention, set a calming tone, though I felt the underlying tension as it progressed.&nbsp;&nbsp;I had to read "Painting voices in your eyes" several times&nbsp;&nbsp;- I love that line! Very imaginative.

On the other hand, there are a few phrases that seem hackneyed: "cacophonies of silence" is used up, at least in my mind.

The capitalization of vision made me pause, as if that concept was somehow intensely important. While it is significant in the context of the stanza (and poem), the reader doesn't need the poet to point it out so obviously.

Also, I stumbled a bit on&nbsp;&nbsp;"apparition's dream", as the poem seemed more the experience of one dreaming an apparition, though I imagine a ghost's dream might be more ethereal than that of living mortal, if that was the intent.

Overall, nicely done, and I look forward to reading more of your writing.

lala-nana

I like it. The imagery is very nice. However, I did have one problem: "softly focus" doesn't seem to fit. It seems to me that the words feel apart in coherence the further along the poem went. It's an interesting effect - though, I'm not sure if that's what you were looking for. "Softly focus", nevertheless, doesn't quite fit with what you were saying. "Soft focus" would look better, to be honest. It's a lovely poem, though!