why is there a line
between living wholly
and holding on to scraps
of grieving our futures
why am i grieving a life
i haven't lived yet?
or why aren't i filling it
with the kindness of years
well lived? when you realize
your own mortality, does it bite
you as hard as it bites me?
you won't talk about it though.
none of us will.
it's a cycle of awareness
i've barely spoken to you because you
are being reminded day in, day out
that breathing is optional to your body
i am sickeningly aware that
my dosage is wrong
and my blood is pounding in my kidneys
and behind my eyes
you're having a series of bad days
i wonder if your body screams like mine
or if the pain ties you in knots
but i know you don't talk about it.
none of us do.
we pretend we're not sick
and that the ringing in our ears
or the bubbling behind our teeth
doesn't mean anything
"it's fine, i'm used to it"
it's not fine.
it is the ultimate self-denial,
the breakdown of our bodies
things we choose to forget
when you chose me,
you chose somebody who knows pain
somebody who is also afraid
and would sometimes rather give up
but you now know someone else
who is grieving.
are you grieving?
i heard that grief
is just love with
no place to go
and life is one of the greatest loves
through life i can love
no matter how my body
wants to take it from me.