Too Late?

hannah-48 Poems

I used to dream of hearing it. “I miss you.” “I’m thinking about you.” Simple words. But I built entire worlds around them. I thought if they came everything would make sense. That I would know I mattered. Now they’ve arrived. Months after I wanted them to. And I don’t know what to do. Because the truth is, I miss her. But not the her she is now. I miss the version of us that disappeared long before I left. I miss the way we laughed. The way silence wasn’t heavy. The way I could just exist next to her and feel safe. When we were still together, I was already grieving. I felt the distance before miles separated us. Now, across the country my ache feels louder. But also quieter. Which almost hurts more. Her message lit something in me. Hope. Sadness. Confusion. It’s what I begged for in my head so many nights. And now, when I am finally learning to loosen my grip it shows up. She shows up. Almost like she doesn’t want me to forget her. But I know I need to. I don’t know how to feel. Part of me wants to cling. Part of me wants to shut the door. I want her to miss me. I want her to remember. But I also hate that I want that. I don’t want to keep carrying this. I don’t want to need her anymore. I don’t want to live in memories of who we were. When I could be making memories with someone new. Still, I can’t deny it. I haven’t seen her in months, and it feels like forever. I want her arms around me. One more hug, just to remember what it feels like. What she smells like. But I can’t go back. I can’t stay in that place. I thought I was moving forward. I thought I was healing. Then came the words I always wanted. And now they sit in my chest, heavy, hollow, and confusing. I miss her. But I don’t want to. I think of her. But I don’t want to. I want to forget. But part of me still reaches. I don’t want to miss her anymore. But I think I’m too far gone. It’s too late.