cousin,
it is judgment day.
the day of my
reckoning
and
it
is
y e a r s
in the making.
one is
l o s t.
cousins are strangers
and friends
since childhood
sharing
family secrets
jokes joys sorrows
all eleven are
at a distance
not my
best friends
but my family
you, cousin
i chose
to keep even farther away
and for this
i am
| ashamed |
i quietly watched
as a child
a teenager
a woman
your father
a man made of
an unbounded source
of love
strength
character
creativity
cousin,
if your father
makes me love him so
just by being who he is
i cannot imagine
the love you had
for him as your very own father.
cousin,
if your father
makes me laugh
at his jokes
and makes every child
love him instantly
i cannot imagine
how you
looked up to him
as his son.
cousin,
if your father
makes me believe
there are still good
men and fathers and uncles
i cannot imagine
the pride you felt
when you looked upon his face.
your mother
a woman absolutely
driven by
positive energy
love and determination
cousin,
if your mother
blows me away
with her love for you
i cannot imagine
how you felt in
the love she
surrounded you in
every
single
moment
of your life.
cousin,
if your mother
makes other people's lives better
i cannot imagine
how you felt
as you watched her
lovingly do her damnedest
to give you your independence.
cousin,
if i watch your parents together
and feel love
radiating from them
feel determination
through thick and thin…
i cannot imagine
how you felt
looking upon them together
when they didn't know
you were watching
*knowing all that they did
was for you.*
your sister
a friend
a caretaker
an instigator
an indefinable part of you
cousin,
i watched you and your sister
act like any other siblings
i babysat you
when you were young
but i did not see
your time alone together
i did not hear
your conversations as
you learned and grew
*but i can imagine that
life would have
been unbearable
without your sister*
i can imagine
that having her support
meant everything to you
because i have siblings
i can imagine these things
and i would cling to my brother and sisters
**your love for your sister
must have been like
a cup overflowing.**
and as i watched
i held back
i could have given more
i could have been your
friend
i could have made
your too short life
easier
better
somehow….i could have
done something and i didn't.
i watched your family
in their grace
i watched you in your courage
and i folded.
i didn't want to know you
any more than i had to
because i didn't want to have
to lose you
like i knew i would
i selfishly had a choice
unlike you.
unlike your beautiful family.
and for this i curse myself.
i feel this reckoning
and i confess it
and i carry it
but i just couldn't do it, Ben.
Jul 13, 2013
Jul 13, 2013 at 1:40 PM UTC
cousin,
it is judgment day.
the day of my
reckoning
and
it
is
y e a r s
in the making.
one is
l o s t.
cousins are strangers
and friends
since childhood
sharing
family secrets
jokes joys sorrows
all eleven are
at a distance
not my
best friends
but my family
you, cousin
i chose
to keep even farther away
and for this
i am
| ashamed |
i quietly watched
as a child
a teenager
a woman
your father
a man made of
an unbounded source
of love
strength
character
creativity
cousin,
if your father
makes me love him so
just by being who he is
i cannot imagine
the love you had
for him as your very own father.
cousin,
if your father
makes me laugh
at his jokes
and makes every child
love him instantly
i cannot imagine
how you
looked up to him
as his son.
cousin,
if your father
makes me believe
there are still good
men and fathers and uncles
i cannot imagine
the pride you felt
when you looked upon his face.
your mother
a woman absolutely
driven by
positive energy
love and determination
cousin,
if your mother
blows me away
with her love for you
i cannot imagine
how you felt in
the love she
surrounded you in
every
single
moment
of your life.
cousin,
if your mother
makes other people's lives better
i cannot imagine
how you felt
as you watched her
lovingly do her damnedest
to give you your independence.
cousin,
if i watch your parents together
and feel love
radiating from them
feel determination
through thick and thin…
i cannot imagine
how you felt
looking upon them together
when they didn't know
you were watching
*knowing all that they did
was for you.*
your sister
a friend
a caretaker
an instigator
an indefinable part of you
cousin,
i watched you and your sister
act like any other siblings
i babysat you
when you were young
but i did not see
your time alone together
i did not hear
your conversations as
you learned and grew
*but i can imagine that
life would have
been unbearable
without your sister*
i can imagine
that having her support
meant everything to you
because i have siblings
i can imagine these things
and i would cling to my brother and sisters
**your love for your sister
must have been like
a cup overflowing.**
and as i watched
i held back
i could have given more
i could have been your
friend
i could have made
your too short life
easier
better
somehow….i could have
done something and i didn't.
i watched your family
in their grace
i watched you in your courage
and i folded.
i didn't want to know you
any more than i had to
because i didn't want to have
to lose you
like i knew i would
i selfishly had a choice
unlike you.
unlike your beautiful family.
and for this i curse myself.
i feel this reckoning
and i confess it
and i carry it
but i just couldn't do it, Ben.
Request permission to use this poem