As I stood here before you today
I ask you what do you see
do you see me
do you see my many talents, beautiful smile, my many accomplishments
or do you see
my many failures, shortcomings, and hidden scars
-----
The hidden scars left by my guilt
the guilt that tortures me day and night
as I hide my face in shame
for shamed by the evil stares
the stares from my many judges
judged by the ***** saints
of my everyday life
-----
and then I look above
wondering God, why me
when I see a sign in the sky
and I wonder
God, hast thou forsaken me
has thou left me alone
to perform for my sinful audience
to put on a smile for my many viewers
-----
Holier than thou
I have no sin
only the dirt that I bury deep within
deep within my soul
as I suffer silently

God, I love you.
You were my first love
and once I really learned how to love
I love you with a love like no other love
than the love that I had to give
...to you...
-------
I loved you so much
that I was willing to do anything to be with you
because I needed you to love me too.
-------
I was broken on the inside.
All messed up, empty, and confused
but then you came
and you swept up the broken pieces
that I'd once claimed to be my heart
you put it back together and together
we tore down that wall
that I'd built up to protect what I had left
and although it was barely salvageable
we fixed it
and as a token of my gratitude
I gave it to you...
-------
I gave it to you to cherish
...now and forever more...
I gave it to you to admire
...treat it as your greatest treasure...
I gave it to you to fully exploit
...to take to new heights...
-------
I gave it to you
in hopes that you'd be different
Then and there I vowed to you
-------
I vowed to be your shoulder to cry on
when you just couldn't hold back anymore
....
I vowed to be the hand that you'd hold
when you just couldn't go on alone
....
I vowed to be your treasure chest
in which all of your deepest darkest secrets were held
until you were ready to reveal them
....
I vowed to be your nightlight
when you couldn't escape the many demons
lurking underneath your bed
....
I vowed to be the pillow you laid on
when you made your bed too hard to lie in
....
I vowed to stand by you
through the good and the bad
....
but most importantly
I vowed to be yours forever
-------
I upheld those vows
to the best of my ability
Again I was broken
-------
Broken and battered
destroyed by the same hands
that had once helped repair this broken heart
the same hands that picked my sagging head up
and helped me hold it high
the same hands that helped me through
my deepest darkest hours
the same hands that....
-------
Was I not enough for you?
Did my tears do nothing
to dampen your dry, rusted soul
Did my screams not penetrate the walls
that you built up to block me out
------
why wasn't I enough for you
you were just perfect for me
now we've went our separate ways
and what was once your hand and heart
is now just a silhouette of hope
Hoping that this is just a dream
and that you'll be back
Right??... Wrong
You turned away without so much
as a glance back to see
what a mess you'd created
-------
Did "we" ever really exist to you?
Or was it just a game?
Didn't you want this?
No???
...God, I loved you!!...