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 Feb 28 MindlessSelf
when i was a freshman one of my friends told me that there was a girl who was talking about me
asking why i was pretending to be straight and that everyone could tell that i was ***
my friends and i laughed it off like children and i quipped “i’m not pretending anything, just ask anyone and they’ll know”

now, i think of the rainbow socks, the only thing i own with a rainbow on it, being shoved down to the bottom of my sock drawer as if it would pop out at any minute and proclaim it’s existence if it were any higher. now, i think of the rainbow highlight that i applies in the bathroom at midnight, pausing every now and again to make sure i was alone. Now, i think of the pride nail art that i scrubbed off my nails minutes after i painted it on. now, i think of the last word in a poem that i wrote and turned in, scared i was being too obvious with the word they.

now, i think of the horrible creature sitting in my chest that simultaneously begs to never tell my secrets and to also scream them from the roof tops. i think of the sludge that lives in me and climbs up my throat, whispering safety into my ear while also ripping apart everything it touches. i think of the pain i feel whenever i say that i’m ***, because it makes things easier if the works sees me as a girl who loves other girls.

before thinking of this poem i had sat back and wondered how many bottles it would take of the various prescription medicines that my parents kept in the kitchen cabinet to **** me. when i remembered the name they would put on the tombstone i stopped and walked away. i remember the time where i couldn’t walk away and i had reached in and grabbed a full bottle of ibuprofen and i took a single one, hoping that my screaming head could be sated by the feeling of a single pill crawling down my throat.

i had a dream last night about someone called addison.
they looked me in the eyes and before i even knew what they looked like their physical form flickered until they were a bright shining star in a vaguely human form.

they sat next to me as we floated in a void on a picnic blanket and they put their arm around my shoulder which felt like a hug from someone i used to know but had forgotten
i stared at their glasses that looked too much like mine as they flickered in and out of existence and they told me i was not where i was supposed to be.

i didnt ask them where but they heard it anyways as if breaking into my thoughts. they answered that they could not tell me and when i thought why they said they didn’t want to spoil the fun of a brighter future for them and me.

i woke up with the taste of lavender on my tongue and the desire to change my name.
i’m not sure who i want to be
 Jan 24 MindlessSelf
Stuck with you
You and your faults
But, I still love you

Torture and Resentment
A usual thing to see from you

You tell me my mistakes
And how I'm broken

I still don't know
Why we're still together...

I still love you
I wish she knew
the power of her smile
the magic in her touch
and the significance of the times we spent together

I wish she knew
the true meaning of the gifts
the influence she has on me
and the reason I’m always there

I wish she knew…
It's 11:11
and for the first time
after a very long time
I'm wishing for myself
and not for you
she's still her
you cant seem to let her go
the memory of her haunts our time together

i shouldnt worry
i have no right to worry
but i do

with every touch we share
she's there
in the back of my head

did you make her feel this way?
did she say this for you?
do you compare me to her?

she's always in the back of my mind
making me feel insecure
because i always wonder if you forgett about me when your'e with her
I am not a poet but the thoughts about you are poetry.
This bottled up
I want to throw it
to the ocean
and wait patiently
as it drift
towards him.
 Jan 24 MindlessSelf

         Pressure in my mind.


                Reasons to keep acts kind.


         Expectations to live up to.


         Social Acceptance feels like an ill-fit shoe


         Social rejection is far too common


         Unique people with loud gossip


         Resist urges to lead a rebellion


         Exalt yourself, your inner rebel, and set yourself free.
I've never worn dresses
until I was 21
It counts as one of my successes
That now I own a ton

Back in elementary
I only had one friend
I remember on thing he said to me

"If you were a girly girl this wouldnt have happened"

All this time
I always felt like a boy
All this time
I was one of the "bros"

I've never worn makeup
until I was 23
But honestly I just never brought up
That I thought I was too ****

I always thought I couldnt be a girl
Because I didnt have the body
I always thought I couldnt be a girl
Because I had no femininity

I always felt lost
Because I was always in between
But then the fog cleared up
When I found out about gender fluidity

It was the answer to my troubles
I never thought the moment came
I could finally put away my struggles
I could finally give it a name

Now everyday I wear a dress
I use makeup in excess
I finally have my feminine side
Which I had lost for a long time

I started to own myself
I started to let people know
That you can always find yourself
And learn as you grow
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