You are the sarcastic stain in my words.

You are the scoff in my laugh.

The dragging in my steps and the scar on my side.

I’m restraining myself,

I’m holding it all in.

But I will always be searching for your empty laugh.

And waiting for your restless phone calls.

You will always be the unwelcoming sun,

that casts my darkest of shadows.

Realization
                         just  
                                        struck.
It
        will
                         be
                                         alright.
Many
                         tiny
                                          lights.

Here’s my letter to you.
I hate you.
I love you.
I yearn for you.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
I draw your face on bread slices and squish them underneath my feet.
I see you in the windows of cars passing by.
I see you in the exhaustion of the wind that blows through crumpled newspapers.
I hear you in the doorknob that won’t unstick.
You are the chalk beneath my fingernails.
You are the way my coffee swirls when it burns my tongue.

You are everywhere.
I can’t undo you.

I'm fragile.
I'll shatter.
I'm a glass bottle,
On the pavement.
Please.
Please Don't drop me.

This could be amazing.
This could be everything I've ever wanted.

But it could also be worse.
I could just end up broken.

So I'll push you away.

*I just don't want get hurt again.

I walked through Bath and Bodyworks
inhaling every possible scent
                straight up my
                                          nose.
                ­                                          Burning my sinuses with
                                                            Ging­erbread and Spice
                                                           ­       Cinnamon Clove
                                                           ­          Fresh Cupcake
                                                                       Winter Berry
                                                                             Calm
so that even the smallest remnants
                                       of your smell
I could not intake and kept myself
from once again
           falling asleep wearing that
                  sweater that I took
                             to pretend was
you.

I breathe in with the rain, sigh with the wind
All is wrong, the sky is white, the clouds blue
Lying in agony, for I have sinned
The color of my pain now changes hue

I beg mercy, my soul becomes blacker
My misery fades but then reoccurs
The world against the world, please just take her
No one's here for anyone, visions blur

I am no one, I am white against white
In constant pain but nowhere to turn to
I give in to my sins, I've lost my fight
Tearful eyes look 'round, the happy are few

Why do I live in a world filled with pain
What the hell's the point, there's nothing to gain