drifting thoughts never wandered to you
comfort was never brought
but i learned how to survive without your f-king apology

f-cking gaslighter
f*-king manipulator
a killer of minds

the cycle continues
at my own hands

i've been told i have been silent recently
but maybe they just don't hear me
am i whispering?
i feel like im screaming from the depths of my soul
so why can't they hear me?
if your eyes wander long enough
you'll see the pain
if you're listening
you'll hear the long-held breath i let out
when i finally get the release
of detaching
and realising
what helps
me

i thought of using my camera for once
take some memories with you
put them on my wall
basic, right?
i thought of how we will cuddle while watching christmas movies
you'll kiss me on the forehead
tell me you love me
basic, right?
we would play games together
have the same friends
perfect so far
basic, right?
you'll give me your clothes because i hate sleeping without you
spray it with the scent of you
just to make me happy
basic, right?
oh boy did i not see this coming
we did all that
it was perfect
but how long does perfection last before flaws are shown
your true face
the ugly behind the pretty
the comments behind the post
oh
you just texted me
i feel guilty as every second passes by
i start to slow down
my mind starts to calm
peace
do you feel that?
warmth
the sun in your eyes
the sand on your feet
the smile you give me
how can i give that up
for someone when i haven't seen their eyes
i saw their heart
it's a beautiful place inside your mind
but you want so much
and i can only give you a little bit of me
because the rest of me belongs to him

you put me through hell so many times
i'm sitting here as you're on the phone with your boy
and i'm just here so you aren't alone
are you trying to show off?
make me jealous?
your relationships are working and mine aren't?
you're laughing with him
proving to me that you're happy that i'm not in your life
thank you
i needed the clarification that you aren't worth my time
you don't know it but this is going to be the last time we talk like this
like we are close again
like we are friends and everything is okay
this is my goodbye

why do i like the feeling
of the torturous buzz in my head
of nonstop thunder and pounding on the door
when the feeling comes in waves
how do i react
keep a smile on my face or show the misery that’s keeping me dazed
you’re so far away yet so close to my heart
i just want to see your face
i hold my breath waiting for the response of everything i say
i found the one i don’t want to push away