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I'm insatiable  
I'm also soo fragile
with a uniqueness  all my own,
I am not superficial  and yet the contradiction would be paying bills on time and having material things matters  to me,
I have a vibrant will plus my spirits
strong too,
I love hard and fierce
I have ambitious desires  wants needs and goals,
I'm anxious  and have this deep longing,
an unquenchable thirst  almost obsession  like to express who
I truly am
yet
I'm
frighten ..
I want to be held yet don't always like being touched ,
I want conversation  yet like the peace of  quite,
I want to go out yet being in public scares me sometimes.
Somethings  make me shy even if I've done em  plenty of times,
Sometimes
I wanna eat out instead I'll  cook and then eat in bed,
I no longer wish to be a pet owner but no one will take care my half blind and semi deaf dog like me or any of the other 3
Who
like me have social anxiety,  
I like my independence  
but the
contradiction here is
I also
love being clingy  
I like kissing
yet rarely do and
when I do so I don't give my all, I want to learn knew moves  yet feel I know enough.
  I'm expressionistic; it may not be a word but it's the best way to describe  me
I want rough
***
but doubt I can go for hours
may not even last minutes
I also want to go slow ant take my time
learn something as I've previously  said.
I want gentle strong hands to keep me safe in their protectiveness
Let me be free in my mix of independence  & clingy
Accept  me
my tormented  brokenness
&
all my imperfections
I want to be more than why I am now and like most
I'M scared of changed
the scars
Run Deep
deep into my bones
Borne Into My Soul
meshing and mending into my heart
Even deep groves soaked into my broken pieces
like craving
deep into wood
deeper still to my roots
I want someone else to come do the work and fix me
Heal me
but knowing my journey
would make full grown men
run away  
I face this on my own.
I know I have to fix myself and heal
but who ever said
I'd have to do it
*Alone?
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
They call us survivors

I call us leftovers

They tell us we're heroes and deserve better than the hand life dealt us.

They use us as examples of inspiration and make shiny metaphors out of our trauma.

But.

But they never look at you long enough to see that you flinch when they reach, with greedy hands, towards you because to look at you too long would mean seeing the hand wrapped around your throat.

They are never around long enough to know that panic sets in while you shower and scrub at your skin until it's raw and bruised.

Sticking around would mean knowing that you were touched by Poison Ivy and they've heard it's contagious!

They don't watch when you're seventeen and crying into his shoulder, asking him to tell you he loves you, just so you can sleep because that would mean that maybe..you aren't that heroic afterall.

If they got too close they would see that you aren't surviving so much as submitting to being alive.

They sit on the edge of their seats gobbling up details about your so-called courageous story, eating up the nitty-gritty details because they know it will end in some form of you rises from the ashes.

But YOU didn't know that you'd be rising from the ashes when he was lighting his match.

When you tell them, you're still in therapy learning to breathe and count to ten, they have to realize bandaids don't fix gaping wounds, so they stop listening, notice the crows feet and crooked teeth,  and turn away because suddenly...you look like a victim
my friends watched, as I tore the madness from my skin.
this is a battle I’ll never win.
and maybe I don’t want to
so thanks for not caring
going out with yesterdays makeup
no one cares what you are wearing
when all they want to do is soak you
in all the liquor they can find
and all the drugs to make you unwind
because then they know you’ll be easier to take advantage of
you don’t rise above
you think you deserve to be hurt
you black out and wake up with bruises all over your wrists and arms
you don’t remember a thing,
then you get a text saying,
last night was fun

-last night wasn’t fun if you had to hold me down
You said
That I am so selfish
Because I keep myself shut
From people who tried to help me

You said
That I am so selfish
Because I can't cry
In front of my best friends

You said
That I am so selfish
Because I keep my cheerful act
And hiding behind my mask

You don't know
How hard it is
To receive help
When I just want to rely on myself

You don't know
How hard it is
To cry in front of others
When I think crying is a weakness

You don't know
How hard it is
To not act as a cheerful girl
Because I have become one with the mask
i'm broken and you're stolen,
so who do i run to?
you're not here for me,
you're not even here for you.
it used to be just you and i,
in the pulsing headlights,
but really it's just you just you,
and i'm doing anything just to stay alive.
do you see how this goes?
don't you know i treated you like a prose?
your rank was so high in the depths of my mind,
but you blew it all away,
crashing the crown with the times.
now i'm picking up the pieces,
and my kingdom says i'm blind,
but, my lovely lavender queen,
your punches are so kind.
i'm letting you go and you're doing the same,
but it hurts so much more when you pull me in again.
forever lasts a lifetime, right?
wrong, you whisper as you put up a fight,
to keep me to beat me to beg me to stay,
ahh, yes,
the presbyopia of love is leading us astray.
these messy verses are for you, i wrote it down so it must be true
Please don't say that you know what my depression feels like
Because I don't want anyone else to feel like this
I don't have the usual kind of depression where you're just sad
I have the kind that makes me feel numb to everything
I feel nothing
I don't feel sad, or mad, or angry
I feel nothing
I don't get interested in anything
I have absolutely no motivation
I don't crave food
Eating makes me feel sick
I feel absolutely nothing
I feel disconnected from everything
And I hope that no one ever feels as numb as I do
I hope you miss me.
I hope you drown in the loneliness
Of the silence that will greet you.
I hope the depths of sadness
Never really leave you.
Not even when you scream
As the pain cuts through your body.
I hope my face is forever printed in the back of your mind,
So when you look at her
You will always see me.
I hope you never move on.
But of course,
This poem is a lie.
I love you
And I would never wish what you have done to me,
Upon you.
My eyes saw
How everybody
Talk about your flaws

Of how uncontrollably you fall
Beyond face, background, beyond it all

Of how open you truly are
And how others don't get you from afar

Of how hearts take you for granted
Yet act like you're all they've ever wanted

Of how you silently shutdown
And drown yourself with frown

I've Seen your battles
Within yourself and other troubles

Felt your struggle
Reason why I always try to be able

Thought you should know
That above it all,

Still have no answer
On why I should not fall.
I , your admirer from afar
The cavity in my chest
Feels less empty when you're around
And maybe I utilize that fact
To heal parts of my broken soul
Without the mind-numbing effects
Of my antidepressants
I feel unnerving panic and
If I tell you then you'll leave
I wish we could skip ahead
Beyond all this confusion and heartache
To a time where we can settle down
And breathe again, together
But I know that if I skip this moment
I would lose my time with you
And even on my worst day
You make me feel whole
So even if this ends
In a way that neither of us desire
At least I had the experience of you
That'll always make my heart smile
I don't like cold technology,
I'd prefer bulky computers,

I don't like kindles,
I prefer books,

I prefer blue eye shadow,
To contouring.

I,
Was born in the wrong time.
I wish life was like the 80s,
When children still played outside.
I like old 'scary' movies that aren't scary at all,
But today's 'horror'
Is,
Not even laughable.

I wish I could've watched Star Trek the original series on tv,
When I came home from school,

Or at least seen the original Star Wars, in the theaters.

This generation just doesn't do it for me at all.
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