how do you love?
i can't imagine you've never given it
yet, you clearly lack the etiquette

how do you love?
you're transparent
but not in the way that light shines though

how do you love?
truthfully the question is no surprise
you know only lust in disguise

how do you love?

And this year like every year
Someone will break my heart
For my birthday

Whether it was my father
My first love
Or myself.


Happy birthday to me!

My heart can not lie and say your are the one.
But I can not seem to remember how I got to loving you.

So can we please start over ?

Can you romance me all over again so I can feel the moment I fell in love with you ?
Can you write me poems again so I remember the feeling of losing my breath at the emotions they brought ?
Will you whisper those sweet words that held together the shattering glass I had become and through their utterance I could feel your heart ?
Can those long late night conversations and phone calls come to life again ? Cause I miss the smile I held while falling asleep and the sense of hope and love you brought to my world of loneliness.

Don't misintepret me when I say it all seems to be a distant memory.
What I feel is real but
A point came in my life where detachment became a way to cope.
Even in loving you I was not really there.

Perhaps I was running away from the constant pang of unworthiness that my heart beat had become ? The skeletons which kept me up at night ?
Or just the mere fear of finding something so real because I tends to "exude the illusions of perfect, yet I fail to commit. I seem to ruin anything good going for me".

But give me a chance.
Can we start over cause my heart says you're the one.

"Today's the day I walk away" I tell myself as I drive to work.
"Let it be over, and be happy" I repeat to myself.

I say these things to convince myself not to think of her, so i dont spend every waking second checking my phone for a lousy text from her, like It would be my honor to receive a reply.

"**** um, I dont care, I am happy" as I get half way though my depressing work day.

No text, still. It's about 30 minutes to punch out and im finally over her, iv accepted her not responding and by this time im so ****** that if she did respond, I wont even bother with it.

            PUNCH

I walk out the door to my car

vib vib  vib vib
             Check
"hey wanna come over?"

And like the ******* I am, I don't even think twice about it, I rush home to change, I rush over to see her.

Shes like my drug dealer, she knows how to cheer me up with any one of her moods as if they were a drug.

Problem is, after I leave I want more and more, and become more disappointed than I was before.

"Please just let it be over..." as I drive home to collect my thoughts and depression sinks in more. God im too stubborn to walk away.