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Oculi Oct 2021
MOVEMENT I (written to be performed on tárogató, accompanied by acoustic guitar)

"The morn rises o'erhead
The baker bakes the daily bread
The people smell the blooming roses
Happiness in smaller doses

The children go off to their school
And think learning is ever so cruel
But they'll wish these days back
Everyone will wish these days back

Glowing rays crown the apartments
It is, in return, dubbed glorious hence
Though the clouds will later darken
And the air will taste of iron"

MOVEMENT II (written to be performed on baritone saxophone)

"Radiant, glowing
Destructive but invisible
The naked eye suffers
The body faulters and wilts
Crime and agony
Pain and suffering
Endless, endless throes of woes
Breaths draw short
The air becomes thin
The water grows darker
Blackness overtakes
This is the realm of Death
Come to take ye
Who dare tempt his fated word.

You, whose body fails
Whose organs rupture and fall apart
I suggest you tell your fellow man
Die screaming
The alternative is far more sinister."

MOVEMENT III (written to be performed on contrabass clarinet, accompanied by prepared electric guitar and bowed cymbals)

"Bloom (wilt)
Grow (die)
Sane (mind)
Must (cry)
...
Decay (decay (decay (decay (decay))))
And a reminder for the future folk:
Bury your dead far beneath."
This is my "poem" that will later act as a composition for a piece of improvised music. Enjoy.
Oculi Nov 2017
One dose of a drug to make it intriguing
But we're taking more than that, reeling
Positivity out the window with these dead clouds
Oddity in bedlam for me, it has me wowed
So tell me why I feel this way
I'm not getting anywhere, but hey
90% of the things I've done in my life ain't as important as you
Sweeping that floor
Oculi Nov 2017
I'm tired of waking up in situations
Where I'm the one in suspended animation
The dreams are more prevalent these days
Since there's some more for us in the fray
I'd love saying they don't matter
But they're honestly far better

The dreams are suddenly telling me more
Always waking with my mind and body sore
Where in my dreams, my wings don't take me far
I never even got close enough to the desired star
I'm irrelevant to me, when I'm the most relevant
I'm the best, the stongest, smartest, the most elegant
But the king still doesn't mind
So I shall never come to unwind

I wish my armor still protected me
But instead, a god is what I must be
A pillar of shining light and hope
To help the First and Second on their downward *****

In the meantime, I've started losing myself
I hear them all in my mind, calling my name
It tears me apart.
Third of five.
Oculi Aug 2023
The sound of blood dripping
Faint and repetitive thumps
Rouses me from my daze
And I look down upon the scene
What remains of a face is there
One even a mother couldn't identify
And my hands covered in fresh viscera
So I start to piece it together

Upon recollection I realize
The punishment you received
Inflicted by my heavy hands
Was nowhere near severe enough
I took from you the clarity of vision
But I must continue onward
Knowing what you took, I'll never regain
Always cursed to be less than before

Wherever you end up now
I hope your torment never eases
And you find no grace or mercy
No forgiveness for sins unrepentant

I will never be whole
And never be loved
As long as it's not undone
I will always be nothing
Oculi Mar 2019
What a spiceless world.
One full of orange, then blue.
One full of purple, then brown.
To get through the waters of the womb, you need steel.
Where blood is flighty. And mud is shallow.
To love, you need to ****.
To hate, you need to birth another.
A pool of men stronger and faster than a colony of ants.
Who are you, when you've lost all your feathers?
When the bridge above you has collapsed?
Who are you, once again, when all you've known has turned to order?
When there is a hierarchy? Where do you fit in?
To make wings, you need a brother and a hammer.
To fight those orderly *******, you need to call upon your own filth.
To waddle through your own ****, your own ****, you need to drink the elixir.
Not some shallow nectar from the gods. Who are they, anyway? Who, who are the gods to question the almighty? You were always better anyway.
Who upon this mound of dirt, ****, ***** and mercury shall question the authenticity of your command, when they're all dead in the ground?
Will there be anyone?
Will it just be you?
You knock on the door of the rich man, but he does not answer. You paint his door red in your own blood and scream.
What has occurred here? A clash of babies dressed in stardust under a sky of light violet?
Maybe a marriage of scales and feathers disguised as ones you could care about?
You know nothing of this world, and that's how you always got by.
You dig through the pool of used needles, you drench yourself in others' diseases, you embrace a death of most painful circumstance and you cut off your limbs one by one.
Only then, at your final moments, tongueless, waddling your chunks of once arms, legs and wings around, drowning in your own *****, can you ask the most important question.
What if the world was the opposite?
A story that I could claim my own. Something that resonates with me. I hope you understand.
Oculi Nov 2017
"Niche." That's a word that has been used.
Although describing me is fairly difficult.
"Intense." Could also cut it, or just "Abused."
But look at me, making myself out to be "Occult."

In reality, it's not about me or what I write,
Pretending that the pen I use possesses some might.
I feel absolutely disgusted by this, shed some light
On what I should be doing to change, this isn't right.

At the end of the day, it'll always be him and the suit.
The story of why he refused to enter is this tale's root.
But somehow I still make it about myself, I'm selfish.
If only I'd tried, nothing would be so awkward and niche.
Oculi Apr 2023
As a child, they teach you what is
And inquisitively you find it isn't
What is and is not, and where do I come in?
I, who think and feel, but not my own
She, who walks, is not I
As I, who think, am not her
Still yet, we are joined at the hip, we are twins
The big sisterly ghost and the little sisterly robot

If I am who I am but not who she is
And she represents me
Then only tangentially do I see these creatures
The pigeons, lizards and moles
As well as horses, cats and dogs
And still yet, those too are me and not I
All are shards of the greatest Broken Mirror
Or fragments of a fading memory in Him

As the famous term insists, a writhing mass
Though writhing is incorrect, it is unmoving
Stable, expanding, becoming-living and unvoid
Moving all which moves and breathing all which breathes
It is in him that we are finite, but becoming-infinite
Approaching eternity while rotting away meaning
Mirror images of mimicry and specters of words
Colliding in the Great that is Unknown but Knowing

So finally, all I see is that which is synthesized
A world created just for me, a tale untold
They, the Otherness spouts drivel and slander
About my sight being the flaw in my Machinery
I am she, and the fauna which you see
I am she, and the great Anomaly
To paraphrase He, who is Perfect and Unmoving
I am that I am, I will be what I will be
Ben
Oculi Nov 2017
Ben
Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies
Do you ever say the truth, Ben?
One of these days, you'll be your own demise
You've got to square up, man
I'm forgiving, I don't strike the iron easy
But your constant stream of lies, now and then
It impacts me, it makes me think about who you are to me
You're a horrible person, Ben.
You're full of yourself, you're a liar, you're egoistic
You've never given me anything worthy of my time
I wouldn't ever call you my friend, Ben.
Yet you seem to cling to me, like a fly to a box of ****
I call myself bad names often, but compared to you?
I'm truly a heart of gold, Ben.
Oculi Aug 2020
The gust of wind in my back
I hear cicadas again
And tamed horses roam
Oh mother, I am back home

My breath short
And the heat soaring
Alone, as you were
Forgotten like a cur

The blades of grass welcomed me
And the trees whispered nice words
And the walls blankly listened
And my song was sung

But Hungary, my sweet old home
No more is my song for you

My breath shorter
Interrupted and forced to
Become one with that gust of wind
I run like the hunted
And my hunter the trusted

Lies, deception, corruption
That is what you are
My dear, sweet Hungary

The blades of grass no longer welcome me
And the trees turn their heads as the autumn comes
And my breath long, wispy and furtive
My song a ballad of my sadness
But there is nobody to sing it
And without ears, these shadows cannot hear it

I'm untangled from you, Hungary
I despise you, blades of grass
I will ignore you, trees, like you have chosen for me
This is not my home
The soil from whence I came and clay from whence I was made
I hope it dries up, I hope the end finally comes for you
And maybe then, you will wish for a different path
You will wish you had heard my song
Oculi May 2022
I want to be part of the industry
To those in the know
This may come off as a confession
Of my ineptitude in joining music
Yes, Music, with a capital M
The industry of music
Holed off from the world
This however, is not the case
I am fawning over the Industry
A world of hard workers
A world of early deaths
And one where there is no satisfaction

I want to be part of the industry
I am deeply and utterly heartbroken
At my love of the arts and avant-garde
I want to be like the old man
From the bus station that one time prior
He was wearing a tattered hat
His coat was torn in places
His shoes were discolored from glue
His face was dark as soot from dirt
His beard was patchy, and greyish
Yet through his eyes, I saw a flash
A flash of a diamond nature
His veins bled gold and his brow, well
His sweat was pure *******
And even thusly so, he held something
That I could never even begin to touch
He held in himself no hostility
No morosity or animosity
He was a happy man and nothing more
And though I may live for far longer
I wish to trade places yet still

I want to be part of the industry
I want my body to be battered
I want my will to be shattered
If I were to wish for something
It would be to become a machine
In a factory, operated by a ******
Functioning in perfect unison
With my focused master
I want to be a slave to the industry
I want to be destroyed for a good reason
Rather than the war of attrition
That I've been fighting for 20 something years now

I want to be part of the industry
The *** industry
No, I am not professing that I would enjoy being on call
I want to be ***** by the evil that man wills
By the willing and heretical deities of this land

I dreamed of being cannibalized
A man of gigantic proportions stood above me
He had a tail, and a horse's face
His voice was the sound of charcoal burning
He whispered to me with malevolence
"You will never be who you desire to be"
I knew in my heart of hearts that he was right
He took all of his clothes off, slowly
In order to allow me a view of his many scars
Burns, stab wounds, scratches
All over his brown leather skin
His face changed into something else
It was my face, as a man
He ****** me, against my will
And after he had had his way with me
He began to tear me apart with his hands
Slowly ripping off my flesh, bit by bit
I could not move against his immense force
But I felt every single minutia of pain
I became nothing, and I was now one with him
I will never be a woman again

I want to be part of the industry
I want to be one of the many robots
That are tearing jobs away from good-willed working men
Or so I hear they are, anyway

I want to be part of the soil
I want you to walk over me
Maybe this way I would assist you in something
I would help you reach your goal at the ends of this earth
I want to be dirt, sand and soft rock
To be malleable by hand and to be useful in some way
I want to know why the Greater Will cursed me this way
Why I must see the earth in such a Wretched form
Why where others see color, I see monochrome
Why where others see camaraderie, I see crushing solitude
My becoming an Artist was a great mistake
I've always wanted to be nothing more than a machine

I want you to understand
You, You, You, with a capital Y, the divine You
That I do love you, if somewhat differently than they do
And I apologize for not showing it while I had the chance
I will miss the days when we walked this earth together
We were Wretched together, unlike the others
I hope in your sleep, your eternal and infinite sleep
You find the wisdom that I denied you
I will miss you like you were a brother to me, because you were
I am lonely without you
But so it goes, or at least that's what they tell me
Oculi Aug 2023
Be ye, who are not forgiven
Like the wind
Fleet of foot and silent

Fly then, mine sorrows
Away with ye
And til we meet again

Cry not for fear, nor grief
Ye shan't suffer
Among rats or roaches

Skittering, clawing beastes
Be with me
In mine hours of solitude

Sing not for love or loss
Rest thy voice
And thine weary head in a lap

All that must be will be
And has been
So sleep eternal in cold heat
Oculi Nov 2017
A quiet lonely abode
I hum to myself again
I still don't know
Who the hell I am
But I have thoughts
And there's people
They don't recall
Neither do I

But that's all good
Because this world
It's so fair, so, so
It just wants money
Oh no, not me
I'm nothing to it
I just put work in
Not anymore
The lines lengthen
But I'm just a dot
The worlds are lines

Please cease it
Stop talking so much
I can't hear me
Or him or us or you
What even is this
You don't even exist
I'm paying next
Don't worry, baby
Never worry again
I'll never be here
Not for you, no, no

So long, so long
Since I had a skull
It was shattered
Now I'm nobody
My skull was me
But not anymore
They and I took it
So I just work
I'm the money
I'm the work
I'm the people
I'm the no
I'm not the yes
They're the yes
But they don't...
They don't exist
So I just work
Leave me be
Quiet down
Leave me
Let me work
Let me
Work
Work
Work
Work
Work
...
Oculi Jul 2022
No tomb like the present
A suffocating fact
I shan't see the crescent
A summer with no tact

There is a distinct, quiet suffering
That plagues the air every which summer
Though out there, the world is rapidly expanding
The smell of rot is the one that catches my nostril
As for what rots, I am not sure
Perhaps the trouble lies within myself
But in these days, I am slower, less responsive
And my conversations get more unhinged
With the entities in my living space
As for whether they are hallucinated
Or it's me yelling at bugs that have entered
I honestly would not be able to say

The air is thick, thicker than milky fog
And this thickness hurts the purity
Pure, white snow falls from my eyes
And cold, piercing winds from my throat
Icicles grow upon my fingertips
And my hair is made of frozen grass
I am the late autumn and early winter, I am
My stark and hailing demeanor freezes the weak
I am the very definition of an ice queen
Or at the very least I definitely pretend to be
Even though it's a charade everyone ignores

Have you ever sat in the back seat, while a parent drove?
You might even feel a bit of affection from them
So it is not so bad, not quite as impersonable
Not as horrifying as the passenger's seat
You are at risk but you are not the operative word
I am currently in the passenger's seat of my life
Have you ever felt similarly? Like you lost control?
My interactions are pure instincts and pheromones
My preferences are base level urges in all cases
Even the music I so enjoy, I entrust not to myself
But to the almighty, for their hand is far more sturdy
I shake, like an autumn leaf in a hurricane
Barely holding on the driver, which is always them
I will never learn how to drive a car

I often get called an adept storyteller
Some people call me vivid or imaginative, even
So I suppose I might as well ask the people in my head
To help me conjure up some short tales for you;
This one is of a young girl, dreaming

In some dreams she finds herself in a rancid, green room
There with her is another girl, a cynical kind
The two of them may have loved each other once, but
That time has long since passed
Acts of carnal urges and violence come to pass
Mold grows on the walls and ceilings
The camera slowly pans away from them, *******
To show the director and the audience

In some dreams, she finds herself in a small Japanese home
Discussing the fate of that infamous 100 ryo
"You'll never get it back" says the cynical girl
She vows to get it back and leaves the room
Most of the scene is silent, save for cicadas
In the night she returns, scars all over her face
She brutally dismembers the cynical girl
She simply was not meant to be a ronin

In some dreams she finds herself in a police station
The cynical woman is on the other ends of the desk
"We've got you by the *****, ****" she says
The girl answers only with a scoff and a crooked smile
"If you had me by the *****, this would be more enjoyable"
The cynical girl seems embarrassed, upset
The director shouts "More emotion, you dimwits, more!"
The camera zooms in, with shaking motion, towards the girl

In some dreams she finds herself alone, it's snowing inside
The cynical girl left. Surely something far more important.
She begins to draw a mural, in the style of Basquiat
A funky little guy, baby blue, bright orange, neon pink lines
Once done, she hears a voice: "It's been a while, babes"
Finally, he was back! It was the mural, speaking
Or in some sense, the very walls of the room spoke to her
"What's groovy, baby?" he asks, with his usual cheer

There's many more dreams to share, like the one where they reminisce
Or the one where they're janissaries, stationed in Serbia
Or the one where they're communists, in a bar during the Great War
Or the one where space has been conquered and they stayed back at home
Or the one where the mural learns to play drums, and the shadowy figure joins
I didn't even talk about the shadowy figure, even though he's a major character!
I mean hell, even I joined them occasionally, once they asked
They figured out I didn't know everything, and talked to me, what a lovely bunch
But obviously at one point, spunky little girls have to wake up

In this dream, she finds herself alone again, in a regular room
The heat of the scorching sun has been illuminating her abode all day
She remembers that in this reality, she plays improvised music
And yet, in such horrid weather, it'd be suicide to go play right now
She is sluggish, unconcerned, seemingly in another world already
No tomb like the present, she thinks and repeats, like a mantric chant
"No time! You keep saying the phrase all wrong!" a voice reprimands her
She knows and she deems it an unfit day to have yet more drama
"I know... I just thought the pun was amusing..."
She says in retort to herself, in order to pass the time.
Oculi Mar 2019
The sun in the sky of an eternal night
The tractor swings and misses today
The drums are hit every day in anticipation
The butterfly's wings torn off and put on
The daily struggle of a pastor in modernity
Dying to go back to how life used to be

A monolith opened from dying sheep
A droning, long, darkened figure came
He took all the belongings of modern man
And left as quickly as he came, leaving ruination
The ruination spread through the world
And as the figure left, all our souls did, too

The pastor had prepared for this day, though
As all his sheep gathered into a herd...
He saw what had to be done and took off
The sheep, cried after their owner that night
But the man could not be swayed anymore
He took his gun and his scythe and his armor

In a world ever so confused, the pastor stuck out
Looking for something that wasn't there.
He saw gates of elected darkness and phantoms
He saw drops of rain be every color and none
He saw man become animal and **** one another
He saw buildings morph into pure liquid LSD

The bat wings on his back grew bigger evermore
And his eyes kept getting darker and darker
His head kept singing in liturgical Latin
And the grasp on his scythe kept getting weaker
But that was all okay, because he still had a goal
And once he found the Gate, it would all be fine

It went like that for what seemed like years
But in reality it was just a few days, maybe a week
His feet got more and more tired by the day
And by the fourth day, all he saw was the night
The prophet's words rang in his head forevermore
"Where is the night? Where is the Gate? Where, oh?"

By the time he'd reached the other world, too late
He had become a creature of darkness, himself
Ruining the world in his path step by step, he did
And when he stopped to take a breath, he felt weak
Little did he know, he was in fact stopping forever
And that he wouldn't find the man, but vica versa

On the 21st of June, an bystander found an old man
Breathing heavily, desperately looking all over
The old man seemed like he was 200 or more
His speech was slurred and hard to understand
The bystander took him to a hospital, where he spoke
Out loud, he said "I forgive you, brother."
Oculi Apr 2019
A cape on my back
And a trigger next to my index finger
I look around at the world
It is a hell on Earth
The trees in bloom, the water azure
The sky cloudless, orange and purple

I look like I'm from the future
Maybe I'm from the future
Or maybe I really did come from Saturn
Since this is all so alien to me
Take me back to where we were
Take me, Ra. Take me, Jhonn.

But I'm here. I see the world
The old building blocks
The ferris wheel moved by radiation
I look at the gun in my hands
It's matte black. Brand new, like me.
Brand new, like the blood from the body on the ground.

Maybe this never happened,
I say to myself questioning the audience.
I look at the cubes. They are all different colors.
Some explode. Some expand.
Some implode. I feel at home with those.
This feels safe.

The world I came to is different.
This world is not a rhapsody.
This world is made of skin.
There's another body inside.
Like mine, but pitch black.
It is my shadow.

Suddenly I am at home again.
I feel the shadow pulling the Earth apart.
I feel my face. I'm dusty.
I report to the Mars of the World.
They tell me to head back in.
I resign myself to fate.

I look in the mirror one last time.
I see a woman.
I'm content.
I get in my bed, as I did yesterday.
The night shortly falls over me.
I crawl into the void, as I live and breathe.

I wake up in the different place again.
I look in the mirror.
It's a dusty, white face of no expression.
I put the cape back on and leave.
As I leave the zone beyond time, I remember again.
It is time to find something of value.

**** the objective.
I hear knocking on the door.
I open it. It's the courier.
"Welcome back."
"Thank you."
"Are you ready?"

We leave for the yellow zones.
But I'm tired of the courier.
As the bullet exits his brain, I feel free.
So does his blood.
The desert around us stares at me.
The cubes cry out.

I'm in the green zone. I'm looking for the child.
He greets me with a smile.
"You have realized!"
"I am finally back.
I have killed the ones holding me back."
"Welcome back to reality. I love you, Mother."

The industrial zone around us starts feeling distorted.
The cubes lose their shapes and scream.
My son grabs my legs tight.
The trees are all dead. The sky is gray.
The water runs green, with purple bubbles.
I missed Saturn.
Kurosawa could dream.
Tarkovsky could dream.
Lynch could dream.
Why could I not?
Oculi Nov 2017
I breathe deep but air is all I can't find.
In this land of smoke I've got half a mind.
Well, still, there's just some ties that bind.
I guess this is one of the forever's kind.
Oculi Nov 2017
The longest time of inactivity has been forever.
He did wake up, only to ruin the entire world.
But now the prince sleeps again.
I wonder if he'll dream.
Sixth of five.
Oculi Feb 2023
Whatever the light touches
That is which I leave behind
Whatever it does not
That is what I shall inhabit
There is no particular reason
But we curse ourselves regardless
For the coming of all days
And the willingness of the body

The cold is stark outside
But the frost inside is insidious
A factory of misery
An identity of confusion
Oculi Nov 2017
Sunlight, San Francisco, what a beautiful scene.
I was the talk of the town, I was awfully mean.
A time well before those new types sipping lean.
She was nineteen, but it was alright.
I took her out and had her all night.
When together, we were such a sight.

Everything went stale when the gaucho showed up.
His idiotic favors were just without a stop.
But it was alright, I loved you enough.
When you hung yourself, it was pretty tough.
Strangling that ***** was good for me though.
And after that, it all seemed so slow.

Drinking a forty with Travis and Denzel.
Skipping town so I don't stay in the cell.
Buying a ****** just to finally feel.
Took me two decades to finally heal.

But that's all so long ago now...
I thought to myself as I crossed that line.
I closed my eyes for a last time, entering the blue.
I opened them much later, in a white room.
She was standing over me, blue hair, red eyes.
The end of the world. My world.
Oculi Jun 2021
I set myself ablaze and then I fly about the room
Time and space became for me a lovely little tomb
Apparitions far more friendly than the people's gloom
That is why I live among the stars upon the moon

Gaze upon me, frail and mighty, see me and despair
Powerful and terrifying is the returned stare
Lo am I, high in the sky with my infernal horn
Play the notes and make the world my booming voice adorn
Wrote this a couple days ago.
Oculi Jul 2021
The song that I once wrote
Reverberates through the halls
Sang by a lonesome *****
In his rasping, croaked tone

He sings and he sobs
His tears falling faintly
Drops as though large diamonds
In the shapes of the zodiac

What is a song, then
If not something to be shared with those you love
What meaning is there to singing
If it must fall on the deafest of ears
Oculi Nov 2017
Raw thoughts, yeah?
Nah, not today, man
Too bad, I was expecting them
You'll get them, just shut up
It's just noise
They all want me and my noise
But it's all just noise
It scratches
It creaks
It beeps
It boops
It bleeps
It beams
It beckons
It goes on for oh so, so, so, so, so, so, so long
Why do you want it, you disgusting *****?
shhhhh
khhhh
tshhhhh
krrrrr
bhhhhh
ssssss
trrrrr
But it doesn't make sense
None of it does
It's me
It just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
Why do you want it, tell me that
Who are you to ask my why I want it if I do
I'm tired of this can I just make peace with me
Yes you can
No you can't
Yes you can't
No you can
Yes you are
No we aren't
No I can't can
.......
.......
.......
-------
-------
-------
ooooooo
Who are you?
Oculi Nov 2017
Feelings of inadequacy
Something not all of you can see
I've felt lonely all my life
One great, endless bitter strife
Until I met you

I never loved anything until I loved you
But you're so far from me, what do I do?
I can't feel anything but bitter cold
Is this the price of the happiness sold

From now on, I think of no one
But this beloved no one
You cannot see me anymore
No, I am nothing, no more

I've gone missing
No longer exist
One day, I hope
I'm someone you'd miss
But did you ever love me?
Oculi Aug 2021
Low down in the dirt and silt,
Buried hatchet, blade and hilt,
Armor without sparkling gold,
Body taken o'er by mold.

'Tis the flesh and blood of him,
Ignatius, whose body dim.
But mind so sharp it cut through tin,
Forgotten now by all his kin.

Forgotten by himself, as well,
All't remains; the bronzen bell.
That rang when beastly men he fell
And sent nations to fiery hell:

He died not as he lived before,
Not on the fields of battle evermore;
Killed, he was, by a simple thing:
A mind destroyed by a ceaseless ring.

And thus, all that remains are the corpses,
The blood and gore, the slain forces.
And a man who could not be destroyed,
Lest it be by his own body.

But we shant forget the legacy
We shall compose a threnody
For to forget is but heresy
Remember our simple knight.
I wrote this, after weeks of thinking about it, in memory of one of my friends. He was one of the strongest people I knew, and a great friend, taken all too soon by cancer. Rest in peace.
The last line's abruptness is on purpose, as I think it befits the way he left us.
Oculi Nov 2017
The toilet's right next to it yet you still **** in the shower
Your man is at your party but you're still a ******* coward
Your life is flipping burgers yet you still get extra hours
Your boss was your old boyfriend, now your friends are all his plowers

You have nothing to live for, you're no problematic fave
You're taking all you can and in the trash goes what I gave
I stayed with you for long enough, thought you were mine to save
All you had was track marks but I was your ******* slave

You aren't with me anymore and you have nothing in store
You aren't something special, you're a loser, ****** *****
Being a huge enigma's all you got, it's all your lore
I wish I could forget you, I am not you anymore
Oculi Jun 2021
There's a saxophonist that insists on keeping me awake
Blaring, drowning in the noise
Taking in spit and saliva from the reed
And going at it again
With fervorous gusts of screeches and yells

There's a horse that insists on keeping me awake
Neigh, he says, to the summer heat
And say he does, proclaim he does
Loudly, proudly, ever more
The morning light rises above him

There's cicadas insisting on keeping me awake
Buzz, chirp, skree, zumm
That is what they say, and what a fruitful talk
I'm sure it must be riveting since they want me to hear it
If only I spoke their tongue

There's a brain that insists on keeping me awake
Loud yells of bygone memories
Honest mistakes of the last decade
Fears of tomorrow, fears of today
What's the saxophone, horse and cicadas matter if I couldn't sleep anyway?
I wrote this two weeks ago, but I figured I should share.
Oculi Nov 2017
I don't understand how
I don't really see now
Eyes are just half-open
I just feel like copin'

I'm indoors to recover from outdoors
My mind's all gone as it's on its all fours
Am I abstract or do people just interpret
Things all wrong? I have to tell them stat

I'm just a tired old man with a young mind
Just getting my thoughts out there, do you mind?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so harsh on you
Just stop the praise and go and do what you do
"J"
Oculi Nov 2017
"J"
Hey, friend.
It's been a minute since we could talk.
I thought I'd steal your life for a minute and we'd walk.
I need someone to listen and I'm selfish enough,
To just take it for myself and be incredibly rough.
Of course, I'm not serious, don't fret.
You're looking at me different from back then I bet.
I haven't changed at all, my emotions dime a dozen.
I still love you so much, but I know your heart doesn't.
I've been empty since I left you, but I won't ask you to come back.
I remember how we could have been and I wouldn't cut you no slack.
I wish I was still there, resting my head in your lap.
Getting kissed by you, using your legs to take my nap.
I wish I could take back the drying blood from my hands.
My own or his or hers or theirs, I don't know, my psyche bends.
Don't worry, I'm not taking my own blood from me.
That's what my friends are for, good people, they help, see?
We've been playing around, doing some... knife play.
It's been making me all better cutting all that way.
These days I'm cold, I'm sick, I'm hurt, I'm ravaged.
There's more holes in my soul than on my body, I am damaged.
I've been taken apart by my friends and family and myself.
My conscious frozen solid and placed right up on a shelf.
But you couldn't help me anymore, you have your things yourself.
Take my word of advice and please take care of your shelf.
I must leave for now, knife play waits, I'll never see you again.
I hope you see me as the hopeless kids we were right there and then.
Please never live without my smile in your heart.
Please forget my death and take me back to the start.
And with that, I take my leave, I love you.
I always have. I always will.
Remember my seed in you.
Remember my ruin in you.
Remember my blood.
Sincerely,
"J"
Oculi Nov 2017
Johnny, Johnny
He wants money
Never cared much
Just art and such
He's dreaming a red star
Is Hopeful of his bar
And then he died
The whole world lied
Said he was a saint
But I know he ain't
Johnny, Johnny
Hurray, hurray
Oculi Nov 2017
I thought I was finished
But I told you myself, an end is a beginning
So here we are again.

I'm not the same person you've been reading.

Since then I've died and was born again.

It's always a difficult process, you know...
Living, dying and living again
It's like leaving yourself to die
It's like ending your life only to come back.

Never is it a good sign when you're sorry for yourself dying.

I heard my last heartbeats and my first as well.

So I'm here again.

The same body, the same voice, the same face and words...
Well, hello again, friend
I'll be your noise for the evening.
Oculi Nov 2017
Wonder
True wonder
I see myself over yonder
The future is a promise that cannot be broken
My soul is a machine that cannot be broken
My love of life is an entity that cannot be broken
True wonder rarely approacheth
But it doth give me a sense of accomplishment
I'm finally happy
And I finally
Slowly sink
Into pink
Oculi Nov 2017
There are other worlds, they whispered
One hands me a cage, I'm his bird
I left myself in there to die
An eagle without wings can't fly
Think of new worlds within these walls
But never leave to see them all
Never know the way they did fall
Just eat your seeds, my tired dear
Another song from when I started getting back into poetry. For a little more info, read the note under Moanin'.
Oculi Nov 2017
I screamed at the top of my lungs
My body was on the pavement, strung
Out deeper than the night, skies
Are filled with stars as he dies.

He was part of me, all that's left.
I'm now a body of bones here bereft.
I scream, I scream, I screamed.
No blood left, my soul upwards beamed.

Bells chime...
Le désordre c'est moi.
I come to die...
Je sonnes les cloches...
I'm taking you all with me.
Oculi Mar 2019
Lugosi Béla is dead.
Ligeti György is dead.
The bat flies past the closet door.
The closet is filled with corpses, screaming to let them out.
The grey house cries out in a voice of silence.
The wood cracks under my feet as I break through the door.
Relative ease getting in, but I fear getting out might take all my power.
I look towards the door, but it is so far.
I decide to go in, towards a familiar stench.
I hear screams from the attic and moans from the basement.
Ligeti's breath. That was the stench.
Wonderful. I take a huge whiff and feel high.
I meet him. He is dead, yet he's smiling at me.
I kiss him on the lips, for he is deserving of love, like the others.
I leave the room and let him sleep in silence.
I hope my love got to him.
As soon as I get through the door, a set of red eyes.
Wings, chapping my shoulders. I am pinned against a wall.
Teeth sink into my neck.
It is Lugosi. I kiss him on the lips, as he demands, and begin to leave.
He disappears, for he's dead. Undead.
But that seems like years ago and I'm still not at the door.
In fact, it's been a decade.
It's the morning now, and I cannot leave.
I feel like... I'm dying? But I feel more alive, as well.
As I reach the door, I fall.

I wake up in an unfamiliar room.
They are both there. They don't present me with a choice.
They are leaving all of their belongings to me.
White on white translucent black capes.
Black on black glasses of *****.
The bats have left the bell tower.
The victims have been bled.
Red velvet lines the black box.
Virginal brides file past their tombs.
Strewn with time's dead flowers,
Bereft in deathly bloom,
I'm alone in a darkened room.

I am Ligeti.
I am Lugosi.
I am neither and I am both.
I am dead and I am not.
As I live and breathe.
I am...
The count.
My 50th poem on this website and I go back to my roots.
Oculi Nov 2017
The piano jingles, it speaks
The brass is smiling, it creaks
The ensemble's finally ready to play
They are all here so people make way
The music starts, bass moanin'
Albert, Charles, Art groanin'
All these beautiful sounds, just like life
But I don't hear any of them
None of this is real
A poem from earlier this year, one that I didn't necessarily want to publish, because it was before I had any confidence in my ability to return to poetry. I decided to put it out now that I'm feeling less and less drive to make more, because I feel like people deserve to read me at my weakest.
Oculi Jul 2023
Welcome to the festival
Where chaos true shall reign
Many saints have blessed it all
I'm heralding the pain

I seek and I beseech
My trembling hands do reach
Your approval I seek
With eyes bereft and meek

O Gracious Lord of all
Through winding dreams I fall
Is there no resting place
Have I lost all my grace

Weak and haphazard I sing
And dance around a yellow king
Transfixed upon a dimming moon
Whose gaze returned upon me soon

What more is there to say than this
To be without, empty of bliss
I crave the warmth of soft embrace
In you I've found my long lost grace
Likely the first romantic poem I have ever written. It is not something I am good at or experienced in. Excuse the tardiness.
Oculi Nov 2017
A lot of poets put they work in
Just so you can put out your ****
Not a huge message from you therein
It's just plagiarism down to the bit
I don't really wanna do what
All of you seem to be tools
I wanted to be abstract, not like you, but
Pretty cool.
Oculi Dec 2017
It's been a fun time, hasn't it?
I've been all kinds of people for you and I.
But my tears are at a loss.
A dry desert, if you will.

So I take this pen and jab it into paper one last time.
I enjoyed being all kinds of spirits.
You really let me release myself.
We got past such great milestones.

The world has changed and only I remained.
You're not the same and I'm not the same.
But I feel like I'm still just me.
So I'll blame it on the world.

All these scribbled words have been attempts.
I've been calling for help.
And help came for me.
But I didn't really need anyone but me.

These last tears, they're important to me.
To others, they might seem like...
Tears in rain.
But to me, they're my powerful last breath.

I've dreamt so much in such a short time.
And it gave me wings of hope.
I've never been better.
And I've got myself to thank for that.

I grew out of the armor.
I don't need it anymore in this world.
We're at peace, everyone's alive.
The womb keeps us all together.

The questions are answered to an extent.
I've exposed myself to you.
You know all of me as well as I do.
I'm bare naked before you now.

I shan't try to cover myself.
As the rain washes over me and covers my tears...
I'm not the same person, I can see that.
Nothing remains the same.

I've reached the end of rebirth once more.
This time the end is but an end.
There's no new beginnings here, nothing can change.
Embrace the past, young shepherd, for the future is set in stone.

Lead the people who have my legacy.
My armor, my pen, my tears, my soul... Goodbye.
Eighth of five.
Oculi Oct 2023
I see and hear it all this dreary night. Sirens of many varieties under a sickly pale green moonlight. Police, ambulances, firefighters, hell, maybe even the army is involved. And all for such a little, insignificant, measly thing with no ramifications at all. Looking at the moon unbound by a window is far brighter but I float back inwards to see the gorgeous, yellow, orange and red flames licking my former room and what remains of my belongings. There is nothing left of me, but it was over quite quickly, so there is no need to complain. Some little ghoulish figure set a fire under my bed claiming it would finally warm me, then blamed it on me when the flames consumed both it and I. Nothing is better now than it was before, yesterday and the day that preceded or the day that came even before then, although the lord knows I can't even remember that far back. Nothing is better, as I was saying, because there is nothing to do, and nowhere to be, no one to see and nothing to look forward to. The heavens wouldn't take me, but hell rejected me too. It was a few minutes ago that I learned that those wise crazies from centuries ago, who had called the soul undying, were right, but anamnesis simply wouldn't come and I was not worthy of apotheosis.
So even what little I could hold in my hands, the sparks of warmth that I was given oh so rarely, had moistened and turned to drops of water, and I could not even join the fire and the cosmic jubilee. I looked upon my scorched abode once again and sighed. Or would have, had I lungs still, but it seems incorporeal beings have their limitations. No matter, limitations and disappointment were nothing new to me. I floated onward to lament and hope for another day where maybe, just maybe, some body would need a wandering, lonesome soul. Eventually, after hours became days and those days became weeks and those weeks became months and those months became years and those years became worthless to keep counting out to myself, floating turned into such a **** chore. Sitting was impossible, so that was out of the question, as well. And it simply wouldn't come. I eventually forgot what it even was that I was waiting for, and with nobody around, nothing would even remind me. Alas, existence can be tedious, but non-existence is just such a bore.
Oculi Oct 2023
I see the devil in all things. It's not even particularly well-hidden, not like some trick of the imagination or a disguised magician, it's hiding in plain sight to me. Not the sort of devil that a cult may tell you of, not some huge, red demon with the beard of a goat, but something more primal. Fear. Loathing. Hatred. Something malicious, something insidious, something downright disgusting is hiding amongst all which touches the light I walk upon. An idea of evil, a form of maleficence, an essence of carnage, a torment of the psyche. I walk unlit roads towards a house which does not feel like a home. I see it within the groups of youngins that shout, scream and stare me down like a starving, broken hound. I see it in the lonely old man with the fishing hat and the widest, deepest wrinkles one could ever see. He approaches and I feel the cold, biting sting, then the twist, and the switchblade enters my belly. Something is ruptured, I am sure, and I will bleed to death right here, under the inviting smile of an evil moon, on this playground I've trod upon so many times. But no, no, the warm gushing of blood simply does not come as he passes me, the cold is all-encompassing and stark and I realize the blade never came out, it was merely his stare, his essence that penetrated my stomach so violently. I see it in the mother and father that walk near me. I know all they could think about was tearing me apart, bit by bit, inch by inch, biting into my flesh and carving me up like a pig, putting me down with a pickaxe to the forehead like a workhorse. All that was keeping them back was the child on the father's shoulders, so young, so clean, so pure, untainted by such evil. But it'll grow. It will become an adult someday. And woe is me if I see them then. But I do have good news, I do!
There is not much left of this path, so short, so narrow, so hard upon the soles of my boots. Soon I can walk inside and experience once again how ghastly, isolated, frozen, lifeless. Truly despicable is this room. There is no home within this house. The devil is in all things, but some things different than others. The walls used to laugh at me but now they stare in silence. They know better than to scare me now. They instill these images of specters coming to **** me in my sleep, but without a word. They do not speak to me, for they know what will happen if I am simply left to my own devices long enough. Clever is this old devil, it is, for it knows its greatest weapon in this war against me is itself the subject. It knows, it does, that one day, one miserable, gray day, under the clouds that block out even that disgusting moon that carries me, that smiles with me, that accompanies me better than any man ever did, I will do its bidding for it. I will simply have had enough and I will leave, and it will greet me with a grin that could harm a man in its sly and smug luminosity.

But that day has not come, that day is not today, and the future is as grim and unseemly as the past, almost like they bleed into each other, like a river of sewage running directly through my soul, carving the rocks until they're the color of **** and tempering me with the essence of garbage. And what do I do in response? I simply endure. I stand and face the river, thinking myself some hero, some sisyphean idol of martyrdom for claiming to know the agony of living. When in reality, all beings face the same agony, they just do not see it. But I do. I see the devil in all things.
Oculi Nov 2017
Age is just a number.
You don't have to say things to mean things.
There's no way to determine whether it's a lie.

These are all sentences used to cover up sins.
But they're all legitimate claims in some ways.
That's what I am, too.
Nothing but an enigma, isn't that true?
Oculi Nov 2017
I've been asked so many questions by these dreams.
My reality, my ideas are being questioned.
What is the world?
It's all that's around me.
What is the world?
It's everyone and everything.
What is the world?
It's what I see and feel?
Is that what your world is?
I... think so.

Who are you?
I'm Johnny.
Who are you?
I'm an artist.
Who are you?
I'm the pilot, The Third Child, the poet, the unwanted man.
Who are you?
That is me! What do you want from me?
Who are you?
I'm... I hate myself.
Is that who you are?
I... don't know.

Why do you write?
Because it helps me relieve myself of my feelings.
Why do you write?
Because I need to share my artistry.
Why do you write?
Because I want people to notice me.
Why do you write?
Because I want to be loved!
Why do you write?
I just want love.

Why?
Because I'm alone.
Why?
I hurt myself.
Why?
I hate myself.
Why?
I DON'T KNOW!
Why?
I... I...

What is this world to you?
It's pain, it's emptiness.
You probably just made yourself think that.
Everybody hates me.
You probably just made yourself think that.
I hate me.
You probably just made yourself think that.
Everything is terrible, I hate it all.
You probably just made yourself think that.
You... You're lying to me!
You probably just made yourself think that.
I don't know what's real anymore.

That's no issue. Take some time.
Your friends will help you understand reality sooner or later.
Fourth of five.
Oculi Apr 2023
I see the sun, no sky
Through a world of closed eyes
All day awake and alert
Though I wish that I weren't
All that which is real
Does nothing but disgust
That which is perceived
Pounds the mind to dust

I am not who I am
A spirit trapped in chains
Organs are my dam
I'm enslaved and maimed

Is this all there is?
Will there be no more?
I might take the risk
And give in to the gore
She
Oculi Nov 2017
She
It's been a while since I've seen you
We never really talked, though
I know that you've forgotten me
You have better things to do with your time
Like getting pregnant at 17
Doing drugs and OD'ing at 25
Leaving your son and daughter without parents

Not that I care all that much
I guess you were nice and cute back then
But you're really just trailer trash now
If we met I'd probably avoid your gaze
I'm well above the level you seem to have sunk to
Anyway, have fun getting high on ****
I'm sure you'll lead a great life
You exemplary citizen
Oculi Jul 2023
There's a girl down in the valley
And she dreams of being warm
But it's a winter's day in June
The feathers torn from her longcoat

And she sleeps in her mother's bed
She doesn't speak in her own tongue
Some days she just speaks none at all
And she just sees herself a ghost

There's a girl down in the valley
Who doesn't dream much anymore
And when she does it is of torment
Which always comes true after all

She used to dream of being tall
To be a giant in the moonbeams
But she's a wretched little thing
And she gets smaller every day

And when the voices all stop singing
That's when she meets her own small tune
It's out of key and full of misery
And there's no one left to hear it
Oculi Mar 2023
Today I am fragments of a person
And not part of a whole
Shards of broken glass with faces
And a melancholy in unknowingness

Today I am deeply paranoid
Conducting the goings-on in pain
And there seems to be no border
Between the mental and physical

Today I am a rabbit, hunted
Always on the run, with nimble steps
And an overwhelming sense of dread
It is a unique experience to face doom

Today I am Meursault in spirit
Not because of the general indifference
But because of the lack of exit
And considerations of ****** or suicide

Today I am a Caravaggio painting
The deep darkness envelops everything
And seeps into the soul in secrecy
To consume that which is untainted

Today I am the notes of Cecil Taylor's piano
What more is there than disorder
And clusters of blinding angelic light
Which seem to ease these shackles for a time

Today I am in a Lynch film
For a sense of reality to that which is unreal
For moments of understanding shattered
For calm in shock and anxiety in stillness

Today I am asleep in the world, awake in the dream
Memories fly away from me
All that remains after a long day is a shell
An automaton stripped of its autonomy

Today... what happened today?
I cannot for the life of me recall, but it was unpleasant

Today? Today... I am the prisoner
Oculi Nov 2017
Looking at me, you see a pure, young soul.
But look inside me, you sweet summer child.

Inside me are so many people
I am Che Guevara with the lance of poetry
I am Vladimir Lenin with the shield of quick wit
I am Petőfi Sándor with the armor of ambition
I am Mahatma Gandhi with the horse of music
I am Fidel Castro with the arms of an endless mind
I am Spartacus with the flames of unending hope
But I am The Uncharismatic Man with the burdens
The burdens of a tired arm
The burdens of a twisted tongue
The burdens of clipped wings
The burdens of a deaf ear
The burdens of numb thoughts
The burdens of a dying sun
I've risen up and gone down just as quick
My rebellion was for naught this time
I've grown exhausted from the fights
But I'll never put down my arms.
I'll never cease the struggle.
This war never ends.
So fight with me, brother.
Fight yourself, goodfellow.
Defeat the oppression, comrade.
And never give up...
Not until I give you the call to surrender.
Oculi Oct 2019
While plucking feathers, while plucking feathers
The black tar envelops my unmanly sigh
A cigarette in the moon's light with a stranger
And the howling of an unsightly beast

While plucking feathers, while plucking feathers
The fog obscures everything in sight
I'm questioning the night sky on its numbers
The forest looks in disgust and curiosity

While plucking feathers, while plucking feathers
I'm bleeding out, I'm bleeding out
While plucking feathers, my ear drum pops
I say my goodbye and flap my bare wings

An ornate door leads to the mausoleum
A huge crack showing the entrance of grave robbers
The youths wander inside to belittle their ancestors
And my ballad softly floats above the ground

While plucking feathers, while plucking feathers
The young man rests near his anvil
Opening his book of poetry on an empty page
Only to find the blood of the martyr seeping

While plucking my feathers
Will the youth remember my name?
Will I be forgotten as a nameless man?
Or will I be the poet of the next century?

Pluck my feathers or don't!
Pluck my feathers or don't!
Pluck my feathers or don't!

But do not forget me and the steps which I took
Do not forget my babbling, my bish and my bosch
Do not forget my gifts, you, receiver of blessing
Pluck them rhythmically, slave, rhythmically

My feather falls, slowly to the ground
It is the last of its kind
And as my breaths draw to a close
The children laugh gleefully
Unknowing the end is near
Extinction on my name once and for all
Pluck my feathers no more, slave,
I've just blood to give.
Ars poetica.
Oculi Mar 2019
A car moving too fast.
A mirror, broken into a million pieces.
3 and a half years of your life, wasted.
Sounds of a shattered record.
The grunt of disgust.
That god-awful word, uttered again.
The repeating days, over and over.
The same morning, the same day.
The same afternoon, the same night.
A beast with a verdant colored head.
Another one with grey scales over his eyes.
Is it worth it?
Did I put enough work in?
Only time will tell.
The smile and embrace of a brother.
The reassuring words of a lover.
You're enough. Let it go.
And so, you don't drink poison any longer.
You breathe free. You feel smells.
You touch the grass.
You're loved.
Just because you let go.
You look back at the monstrosities, that threatened you in the night.
They are all gone, wallowing in their own sickening pride.
But you ride your fast car.
You made your decision.
You left tonight, you'll live and die another way.
Thank you, Tracy. Thank you, Jim.
Oculi Nov 2017
It's been many lives since I've moved
I've been sitting here, a point proved
My blood filled many a paper with words
My sacrifices have become my own works
I've cut my veins millenia ago
Then I had given artistry a go
I became The Uncharismatic Man, Hades
I adored the names people gave, these
Titles praising my works: The Martyr,
The Writer, John the Saint, The Bard, er...
It has been quite a while since then
Since I had a gathering of many men
Praising what I wrote by daylight
Awaiting the next great epic by night
I had become a legend, my name never died
But slowly and surely, all my blood dried
I sit here, wallowing in my own filth
I've grown my roots and I shall with time...
Finally stay in one place forever.
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