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Nov 17 · 670
2:33am
chris Nov 17
before these tears fall,
I just wanted to tell you that I know
that I'm not the one you love.
Nov 1 · 342
its okay. its fine.
chris Nov 1
it happens all the time.

I'm alone in a hole in the ground
when I'm afraid, I lose my mind

but it's okay, it's fine.
it happens all the time.
Oct 28 · 52
how old are you?
chris Oct 28
I'm still a kid.
but I can see that you are too.  

                                                                                               why am I a kid?

I can see that you want to be
loved.
Oct 10 · 276
alone
chris Oct 10
im wasting my life on pointless things
i sometimes think
when does life begin

im falling out of conversations
i cant pay attention
repeat the question
Oct 5 · 204
please
chris Oct 5
we need to fix this
we have to work together

let’s stay together
please, stay with me
wait. did red just vent-
Oct 2 · 149
what is love?
chris Oct 2
love is to surrender yourself to another

                                                        ­              body,
                                             ­                         heart,
                                 ­                                     soul,
.                                                                                being.
Sep 23 · 652
is it strange?
chris Sep 23
-

Is it strange to miss the bodies of strangers?
Aug 29 · 58
I'll leave you words
chris Aug 29
I'll leave you words
underneath your door
underneath the singing moon

near the place where your feet may pass by
hidden in the holes of wintertime
and when you're alone for a moment

kiss me
whenever you want
- je te laisserai des mots
Aug 19 · 150
🔛
Aug 15 · 246
my love,
chris Aug 15
you who abandoned me here
your feet will pain you before you've gone even ten steps
Aug 1 · 49
untitled #0000
chris Aug 1
If the truth is inconvenient they don’t believe it.
Jul 31 · 66
eNds
chris Jul 31
what must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?

what must it be like not to feel hurt and tortured every second?
to feel like everything goes wrong because of you?
to feel like nothing will ever change when you disappear?

we swallow our feelings, even if we’re unhappy forever.

people walk out on us all the time.
I don’t remember when things got so complicated.
Or why it has to be this way.

But these are just feelings.
They’ll go away right?
It’s a matter of time.

Things will go back to the way they were .                                                
. right ?
- c.b
Jul 31 · 244
A. string of thoughts
chris Jul 31
Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.
I don’t know who I am.  I wish someone would just take over me.  Maybe change things for the better.  Or maybe I have to end me for someone to live better.  I know nothing
Jul 28 · 36
... - --- .-. -.--
chris Jul 28
.i don’t know where to begin
.how it began
.how it ended
          .all i know is that i am here
          .here right now. and that is all that matters.
Jul 25 · 118
catching clouds
chris Jul 25
let me understand the clouds
their moods and patterns that

they display in the sky

a single cloud crosses the sky,
from the ground, we can watch it go by

holding my world up there high
in the sky, we look as time passes by

happy clouds, quiet clouds
calm, still clouds
inspired by RM's tweet about catching clouds
link: https://twitter.com/BTS_twt/status/1287030767353131008?s=20
chris Jul 25
if the love starts to fade...
well, that’s true.
if I get really old, people will start to forget me.
and I don’t know actually.
to be honest, I want to be someone who is remembered.

who puts out a good influence
and stays in their memories.
being popular isn’t really that important
I just want to be someone who is remembered
so if I’m just remembered I think that would be enough
chris Jul 25
the time when we were most happy, our glory days
with the people surrounding me

there was something…
like we didn’t want this moment to end
and wished that this happiness will never end
it was one of those days
the universe is ours
Jul 25 · 91
self-portrait
chris Jul 25
if you draw yourself, looking in the mirror

then that’s a self-portrait.  
if you’re looking in the mirror to draw yourself,

you’d probably start you think of who you really are
I reflect on what happened and who I was in the past few years.

and I made this poem.
Jul 11 · 338
chris Jul 11
many choose to draw a distinction
between the natural world and the world
humanity creates for itself

but to separate ourselves from nature
is to deny responsibility for its wellbeing.

we do so at our own peril.
Jun 14 · 50
Paris, 1918.
chris Jun 14
He sat there, trying to figure out what to do next. The sound of the raindrops on his window reminded him of a better time, a time when he was in love. He opened his window allowing a soft breeze to blow in. He closed his eyes, and went back to that day.
   It was a warm summer night, and although a dark cloud of rain hung over the entire city, he knew it was going to be a magical night. He entered the ballroom, and as if by magic, he saw her. She was the most beautiful being he had ever seen.
   Of course, being 18 and sent to Paris from America didn't help his case at all. His father had told him that he was a man now and he needed to start a life of his own. Moving to Paris was a huge leap, but he didn't see a life for himself in America.
   He was hesitant to even approach such a gorgeous creature, when suddenly, she walked over to greet him first. They exchanged friendly banter, with him constantly fiddling with his shirt sleeve out of anxiousness, and before he knew it, he was waltzing with the woman of his dreams.
   Suddenly a gust of wind knocked over a picture frame and jolted him out of his fantasy. He got up, shut the window, and walked over to the fallen frame. He picked up the picture and let out a sad laugh. They looked miserable in this picture, but only because they had to sit for so long for it to be taken. He sat down with the frame still in his hand, and let out a sigh.
   The past year of his life was an emotional blur. He could recall bits and pieces, but could never remember the whole story. Countless nights filled with passion and romance, a bond for life that could never be broken. But then he remembered. The love of his life was had left him.
   Every time he closed his eyes he swore he saw a fleeting glimpse of her face, but he knew that it wasn't real.
   He snapped back to reality and grabbed his jacket before heading out the door.
   The rain was falling much harder now, but that couldn't stop him from going to see his love again. He stopped by a flower stand and bought a single rose, and continued on his way.
   He searched for nearly an hour when he finally spotted her. He ran across the path, nearly slipping on almost every puddle, to get to her. When he was finally standing in front of her, he smiled with tears in his eyes, before starting with "hello, my love". He blinked the tears from his eyes and continued. "I know it's been nearly a year since you left, but I just can't bring myself to get over you. I told you that'd I'd love you till the end, and that was a promise." He kneeled down in front of her. "I know that you didn't choose to go, but I can't help but think what the rest of my life would've been like with you. I still love you, dear, and I plan to love you until the day that I die." He placed the rose near the headstone in front of him. "Until next time, my love, goodbye"
May 19 · 61
to: you
chris May 19
I am...
                 good at waiting

      100 years...
1000 years

I can wait
as long as you want ...
what I'm afraid of...
is that one day I will not
have to wait for you.
Apr 30 · 73
qq
chris Apr 30
qq
"Daughter now you are going to be a wife and a mother of your children. And your life will continue like that..but my daughter even if you become somebody's wife and somebody's mother don't give up your own happiness. Don't forget you are daddy's precious little girl. Never forget that you and me, we are all important "
Apr 9 · 185
peacock
chris Apr 9

the flowers also shed its leaves

the rich also trust no one,
always looking out for their money

the fame of celebrities
also melt down like ice cream

the jewels also become yellow
when worn continuously

the sun also cannot always
look down on us

the clown does not always smile
the bird also cannot always make sounds

the youth also will ******* one day like paper
glamorous lights also cannot shine without electricity

my amazing dad also gets wide eyed
when he sees his own ID card

the scorching fire also turns to dust
when it’s out

glamorous things like peacocks,
like its glamorous wings open and close
it's beautiful like a flower
life is life a flower
Apr 9 · 959
life is like a flower
chris Apr 9
the bird I saw at the water park
that bird flew so freely
it seemed so happy to me
because it has wings that I don't have

it is able to go anywhere it wants to go
but that bird is very lonely,  
because it's flying after departing its mother

the bird I saw at the water park
the bird I saw at the playground
the bird I saw on the plane

the bird that was always alone, will fly
freely to find friends
it's not lonely anymore as it flies together

hey, bird bird bird bird

the bird that was always alone, will fly
freely to find friends
it's not lonely anymore as it flies together

hey, bird bird bird bird
chris Apr 7
but what happens
when your heart is shattered into a million pieces?
Apr 2 · 73
here or there
chris Apr 2
I don’t want to be here anymore,
but I’m too afraid to die.

I don’t want to exist,
but I don’t want to die.

I want to disappear,
but I don’t want to leave.

I want to go.
                 Go away from here.

I don’t want to be here or there.
I don’t want to be anywhere.

this feeling will persist,
         this feeling to not exist.

there is no fixing me,

                                              I wish to be free,

please.
please.
hear my plea.
everything is grey.
Mar 20 · 86
—rm
chris Mar 20
"lost in life,



    lost in you."
Mar 17 · 56
🔮
chris Mar 17
i've been living in the future
hoping i would get to see you sooner
Mar 16 · 65
happiness is something
chris Mar 16
you grasp with your own hands.

once you have it, you must
never ever let it go.
chris Mar 16
make sure you live your life to the fullest.

                                                                                                        thank you.

thank you.
Mar 16 · 372
i think i'm sick,
chris Mar 16
no matter what or how i think

i think a part of me is broken.
i feel like something is pressing my heart.
it feels so frustrating, and it makes me sad.

what should i do?
what should i do?

_

inspiration: i love you by billie eilish
Mar 16 · 105
some loves,
chris Mar 16
remain dear
only up to this                                                             ­     point.
_


you've been a good sport, my heart.
you were definitely...
passionate enough.
Mar 16 · 727
— g.e.
chris Mar 16
"the sad truth is that opportunity
                                 doesn't knock twice."
Mar 8 · 68
⛓️
chris Mar 8
i didn't used to be so weak

i'm usually headstrong.
never backing down.
optimistic.
confident.
happy.
when did it come to this?
Mar 8 · 68
23:54
chris Mar 8
i don't really know
what i was thinking,

putting my words
out
here

thinking it would help
thinking this feeling would just

                                                                                                                   fade.
chris Mar 8
you are the definition of insanity, or am i?
Mar 8 · 70
🚪
chris Mar 8
go ahead and
break my heart again

leave me wondering why the hell i let you in
Mar 8 · 70
chris Mar 8
i was born to say goodbye
Mar 8 · 161
✎____
chris Mar 8
they say i’ll be fine without him,
but all i do is write about him
Mar 7 · 63
— j.s
chris Mar 7
it's very important for human beings
to feel they are popular and well-liked
                     amongst a large group of people that we don't care for
Mar 7 · 86
lone
chris Mar 7
when we met,
i wasn’t me
i was so numb
i was so lonely
Mar 6 · 82
chris Mar 6
shed all worn-out emotions,
forget how to listen to your heart,
believe in only what you see,
listen to only what you can hear
Mar 6 · 48
chris Mar 6
this ethereal paradox,
the beauty of living lonely,

without any promises,
let’s just meet at the edge of the universe.
Mar 6 · 48
chris Mar 6
i yearn to be loved,
    even if i’ll be alone in the end
Mar 6 · 58
☾✩☽
chris Mar 6
i want to live a normal life,
     in the space that i've created.
Mar 6 · 64
digital lover
chris Mar 6
the outside world is dangerous,
    full of people obsessed with faking happiness.
Mar 6 · 450
feels
chris Mar 6
even when the morning comes,
you're still in my bed, but

it's so cold
Mar 6 · 35
who
chris Mar 6
who
are you?

you aren't the one I fell in love with.

something has changed
and you're not the same, I hate it.
Mar 4 · 511
— H.P. Lovecraft
chris Mar 4
the oldest and strongest emotion of mankind, is fear.
and the oldest and strongest fear, is the fear of the unknown.
Mar 4 · 44
# carry me
chris Mar 4
the crowd is relentless,
they blame her for their suffering,
yet you know better,
you know she is merely a child at heart
with the weight of a whole kingdom on her shoulders,
her 'council' are to blame.

their greed almost doomed the kingdom she rules over,
"she does not deserve this" you utter,
you almost don't feel yourself doing it,
running at her,
               raising your shield against the rotten vegetables and stones,

like it was dictated by the gods that you were to be her shield,
her bastion of hope,
she looks up at you
her eyes watered from the shame she endures

yet she manages to force a smile,
a smile of gratitude,
    as if she was begging for someone to save her
and it appears,

              she saw your smile through your visor,
making her even less distraught
this was longer than my usual poems,
thanks for reading :)
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