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  Nov 2019 Veronika
LLillis
The coldest night air
Seems no different than the
Space around the stars.
The mercury is dropping faster then we expected. It’s not quite polar vortex weather yet but the dry air and static warns of its approach.
Veronika Nov 2019
it moves
like the moon: full to crescent to nothing at all;
existing all the same until the next phase

it burns
like a knife; eventually less, as the knife gets blunter,
the desire gets weaker
Veronika Nov 2019
twenty-seven years and no further forward
I just know how to define it and the reasons why
neve the solutions
the flash-backs wont go away
when my mother told me about being ***** before I went to sleep
when she put on her stockings and told me she's leaving
when she gave my toys away on my birthday party
when she wanted me to wear a blue coat I hated and it ended in me being handcuffed by the cops
when
when I slit my wrist and my step-father held my wrist and the ambulance came
when he called me *******, *******, ****
when he said I have evil eyes
when he said my bedroom is his bedroom
when work gave me a hundred reasons im not good enough
when every single boyfriend left me for one reason or another or all the reasons above
Veronika Nov 2019
The lights inside your mind
Flashing from the inside
The mirror smiles back
So sad the lengths you have to go to
To escape you to find you

The night does not exist
Heart beats to the melody
Seeking something it can’t accept
Nothingness is the greatest escape
Veronika Oct 2019
She has plenty of room
But he chooses his own
He comes over
And she lets him,
Taking more than what is offered
(What noble love)

Cry in the dark
(What sweet love)
She lights the spark
Cigarette burns
He talks about his day
But not all of it
Catches a flight
She’s full of him

And I see us, two wrongs together
Gave up 6 months ago
And walking in different directions
Continuing on a burned bridge
Looking at smiling pictures

If only you loved like I love
If only you let everything go and held me
I would be yours
I would be alive
Veronika Mar 2019
She held me in those tired, capable hands and from them I am yet to sprout
Doomed to be a seedling, an apple of the tree
Never ripe enough to ever grow branches
Or find my own patch of land
Must forever hover around you
Feeding that need of desire

Every button you did, every hole you sowed,
Every essay you thought you wrote
The friends you called foes
The lovers you chased away with scornful words
The meals you forced and the blood vessels that burst when you yelled

I learned to recognise the dark
At first unfriendly and strange
Then it was the only colour I knew by heart

The black in my head
A feeling of disbelief,
Hurt I cannot describe other than with a form of another type of hurt
Bony, soft-skinned wrists, apply the scissors hard and slow and then watch the line appear, watch the red seeping through
A welcome friend: it’s me! It knows!
The fire in my head dies and turns to water,
It fills a basin it fills a sea
Then a clarity forms
A small but singular necessary piece
It is love
Within me this warmth toward my child self
You can do this
Veronika Feb 2019
January. Morning.
The bed is undone on one side. I am forced to go out.
In the office I am one in a multitude; you would not recognise me if you were looking from a satellite.
The page before me seems to blink back, waiting.
I am waiting for it. I am waiting for some telepathic dictation.

The space is grey. I look for solace through a window.
Naked trees. Empty cars. Polluted river. In death there is tranquility.

My chest falls with relief when I see your headlights and I let the car consume me
The warmth of it and the love of you combined
My lack of purpose once more replenished with fake bliss

You don’t know this but I let go last night
The mountain air, the rubbery snow, we were walking alone under the ******* stars
Come on
The fatal habitat of a nasty creature like me
It was bittersweet, a moment that destabilised the foundation we had
But I’d never expect you to understand the heavy dripping terrible science that lives in me and this other for years built up and never sky rocketed away
Not even yesterday

I got used to thinking you are the love of my life
You’re the nurturing cash that fills my spoilt heart
It was just time for me to bury another dead rat in your corner
And you’re perfection in that self centred way,
You confess your sins in a small dark cabinet
Does your passion speak to walls when your fist gets the better of you
I long to be the recipient of such art.

There you go again you strike me with your ancient truth
When it comes to make the jump you backdown
You make excuses with your youth
I want to swim in the dark with the one who is sure
I want to bask in the light with someone who knows I’m impure
With you now I am a cheap cliche
**** this.
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