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Sep 2019 · 390
Natalie Pugmire Sep 2019
living is such a painful way to die.
Aug 2019 · 249
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2019
It wasn’t easy to be happy for myself, either
Jun 2019 · 289
Natalie Pugmire Jun 2019
I don’t know if I don’t feel like myself today, or I haven’t felt like myself all the other days
Jun 2019 · 202
Natalie Pugmire Jun 2019
I’ll hold myself up if you can’t
I’ll hold myself close if you won’t
Jun 2019 · 174
Natalie Pugmire Jun 2019
I find metaphors in silly things.

Like the way you always walk ahead of me when we’re together,

Or how you talk about me with your hands deep in your pockets.

I found a poem in realizing that you’ve never heard my answering machine because I pick up every time you call, yet I could recite yours without thought.

I found a song in the way you washed your hands after holding mine,
And I know it sounds silly to hear a melody in coincidence, but I swear to god I felt myself go down that drain with the soap.

I found a metaphor in the way you left without a reason, I could feel the rest of your life seeping through your shoes as you crossed over the doorway.

I wonder if you’ll ever find them too.
Jun 2019 · 136
Natalie Pugmire Jun 2019
I break my heart in all the ways you showed me how.
Jun 2019 · 235
Natalie Pugmire Jun 2019
I feel the emptiness you bring more tangibly than you, and perhaps I was a fool to believe there was a difference
Jun 2019 · 98
Natalie Pugmire Jun 2019
I’d never felt my heart held so loosely
Jun 2019 · 93
Natalie Pugmire Jun 2019
sometimes I feel like we’re writing the same words on a different page
Feb 2019 · 321
Natalie Pugmire Feb 2019
I loved you,
But you never gave me a place to put it.
Feb 2019 · 277
Natalie Pugmire Feb 2019
hope keeps me here, but her presence is heavy.

I know the cost
Feb 2019 · 156
the door’s unlocked
Natalie Pugmire Feb 2019
If only you let me love you
in the ways I dreamt I could

If only you could feel how delicate my fingers dance across your skin, how careful I am to trace the lines you set

I want more, and my head aches from the lack of escape
Each echo leaving its mark
In the walls of the only home
i’ve ever known

I want to let you in,
Why won’t you come in?
oh how I wish
How I wish you would knock
Sep 2018 · 325
the oak tree
Natalie Pugmire Sep 2018
The in-between of it all,
You made a home there.
Every year just waiting for fall
Because it's the only time you don't feel so


The summer is just too hot,
You'll say.
The winter's too cold.
I hear your words but what resonates is the way you don't look me in the eyes when they leave your lips.

And I get it,
And I'm not upset
And I know what it is you're afraid of,
And it's rational.
It's always


But grey isn't a place,
It's just the mixture of two
And I want to scream that fall won't last forever

But screaming feels like winter,
And you didn't bring your coat.
And kissing tastes like summer,
Which you've explained to me is exciting at first, but always
it's spark

So I lay down,
Mimicking the leaves
That let go of their branches

And it gets me thinking about whether the branches let go too

You sigh
and I feel your body brush against mine,
Closing your eyes as I turn to them

I think of a way to tell you
that oak trees are just as beautiful with or without their leaves,

But as I take a breath
i find that sleep has found you first

So I look up at the ceiling,
the white walls reminding me of snow,
and I lay there wondering
if you'll ever let me
find you
Aug 2018 · 327
We ripped the last page out
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
Chasing sunsets
In search of the closure you never gave
Twisting your silence into words
To fit the story I wrote for us

So which is better?
A pretty lie carved into rotting wood,
Or a tree left untouched?

Because those last letters ache just as much as the lingering silence,
And I wonder why yours didn't make it out alive,
But I guess mine never were

So perhaps both the statue and the tree are broken,
For one is smothered, and the other's never given proper sun  

I'm sorry I didn't want you to live without me.
Aug 2018 · 410
Where's the music?
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
I'm walking circular streets where no ends meet
Through smoke I see your face, but you can't match my pace

The meaning of life? the meaning of death?
I ask so many questions I'm out of breath

I'm surrounded by people, but no one will talk
Satisfied with just a wandering walk

No place to go, no friend to be
So we all end up swimming the endless sea

I jumped, she jumped, everyone here we fell From the cliff, through the air, to this empty hell

I turn to them, but they all they look ahead
I hear one whisper, "Don't you know we're already dead?"
Aug 2018 · 150
I am
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
My heart aches for you
But I am not my heart

My mind remains on you
But I am not my mind

My fingers search for yours
But I am not my hands

My body is tired
But I am not my body

I am consciousness
And I am at peace
Aug 2018 · 201
Look Up
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
The worlds in view
Seem far too few
And what we chase
We refuse to face

We want to feel
But deny what's real
The light's in sight
But we choose the night

Every voice is the same sad sound
With all of our feet on the same hard ground
But if you reach, it reaches too
Heaven's not far,
From me and you
Aug 2018 · 123
One way mirror
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
The first time I saw God was in a sunset,
the second in your eyes

The third was in a mirror, and the forth in open skies

After that I can't remember,
too blurry to restore.
I still look for God in sunsets
but can't find him anymore.
Aug 2018 · 121
Don't blink
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
So when you think of me like that,
Don't hold tight to the thought
It's mangled with the branches
Of loss and love you wrought

And when you think of me like this,
Don't let it settle down
Your heart is much too fragile  
To toil with what's not around

And when your thought crosses me,
I'll close my eyes to see
How easy I made this sound,
And how hard it's turned out to be
Aug 2018 · 366
Tree top views
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
What happens when the pieces don't fit/ they all belong to a different puzzle/ separated by time/ you can't have it all/ you'll never have it all at once/ but how can a heart handle the separation/ how does a heart learn to tell the difference/ and when? / I'm wondering if it ever will/ the tree was too tall but I climbed it anyway/ saw too much too soon/ I'll bite my tongue and tell you it's just you/ I'll tell you it's just you/
Aug 2018 · 137
Heaven is empty
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
Looking down is lonely
but up only burns
looking back I see smoke
forward only wrong turns

So I let myself fall
one place now to rest
Closed eyes feels like nothing,
and nothing feels best
Aug 2018 · 203
Natalie Pugmire Aug 2018
what's left feels broken
the remains don't feel whole
and I just can't make sense
of the things I don't know

like the thoughts in your head
when they counted most
and why I'm still here
and now you're a ghost
Natalie Pugmire Jan 2015
I told you I wasn’t perfect, but on your pedestal I stood
I told you I would make mistakes, but you didn’t hear a word
I begged and I pleaded for you to listen, but you would drown me out
So the day I ****** things up was the day you did more than shout
You wailed and screamed and cried, you held a funeral as if the pretty parts of me had died
But Honey, I warned you, perfection is not real
The disappointment you have is yours to carry, and is not mine to feel
As you leave you slam the door, trailing echoes of regret
I cover my ears for silence, but my thoughts break through in time
If you would have just listened, ******* opened up your eyes
You would have seen that honey, this came as no surprise
This disappointment is yours, and is not mine
For honey I’ve known that I’m not perfect for quite a long time.
Jan 2015 · 826
I'm so tired.
Natalie Pugmire Jan 2015
I’m so tired of the *******. Of the “I’ll miss you’s” and the “I’ll never forget about you’s” because the truth is you won’t miss me and you’ll forget about me without even trying. You’ll say what I want to hear, you’ll get what you want, and you’ll leave. You’ll let me attach myself to you and then you’ll push me away. You’ll wonder why I’m being so crazy, why I care so much, when the truth is you knew exactly what you were doing. And you’ll **** her without thinking of me while I hold his hand and think of you. You’ll hear my name and smirk while I hear yours and am forced to catch my heart before it hits the floor. But no, no, don't worry about me! Go on and tell some other girl that she’s the most beautiful thing you’ve had the privilege to touch. Maybe, just maybe, one day you'll actually mean it.
Natalie Pugmire Dec 2014
Love everything, and everyone. Thank the grass for being a soft place to fall, and those who own the arms of your safe place to crash.
Love the girl who taunts you, love the boy who tries too hard.
Love the woman who screams that you will never make it, love the man who stares a little too long.
Do not waste too much time on loving yourself, for when you exude love you will receive it.
You must love those who do not deserve it, and all the while you will receive love you do not deserve.
For love is not a feeling, but an action.
For love is not restraining, but freeing.

2. When you start to notice your reflection, remember that it does not matter. A soul needs a home, and your home is a fine home. Your body keeps your soul safe, and warm, and fed. So worry more about what you put into your mind than your mouth, and never forget that your soul cares not of the shape of it’s home.

3. When you see someone who is in need of help, they become your obligation. The only true way to understand a person is to love them, and the best way to love a person is to serve them. There is no man or woman who was born undeserved of love, and you ought to give more than you think your heart will allow.

4. When lost, know that you do not have one sole purpose. You have many facets, and many talents. Each day you may have a different purpose, and each day it may not be a grand one, but each day it is an important one. Be open to things you did not think of yourself capable, and know that nobody cares about your embarrassments more than yourself.

5. Every day of your life you will make mistakes, and if you think that you have to right to belittle others because of theirs then honey, I am here to tell you that you are wrong. Unfair judgment hinders understanding, which hinders the most important thing of all: love.  

6. Forgive all, but do not trust all. Love all, but do not pleasure all. You are to lose yourself, to emerge yourself in the work and service of others. You are to overwhelm yourself with love and kindness, so much that it spills over. You are to give more than you have, and to take less than you need.

7. Do not worry about being happy. The search for happiness is never ending, and a path that has no destination. Lose yourself, and happiness will find you. Look for happiness, and you will lose it all.
Dec 2014 · 542
1:56 am
Natalie Pugmire Dec 2014
Fingers and bodies
A mess that
Did not need cleaning

Heavy breaths
And tired eyes
Purple necks that
Did not need healing

Embellished sighs
And bitten tongues
Contaminated screams
Reeking of regret

Crawling anguish follows
Wild goodbyes
Empty nights that
Beg for sustenance

Missed calls
And unheard pleads
Dead flowers and
Torn up words

Foreign flesh accompanies
usual thought
An unfamiliar face absorbed
With tight eyes

Taking steps
With a detached

Fingers and bodies
A mess that
Could not be cleansed
Dec 2014 · 1.8k
Russian Roulette.
Natalie Pugmire Dec 2014
They always
Tell you that
What doesn’t **** you
Will make you stronger

But some days
My only wish
Is that what kills me
Would **** me
Dec 2014 · 3.6k
Natalie Pugmire Dec 2014
The things
I have done
For you
Cannot be counted
On two hands

And neither
Can the times
You have let me down

The times I have
Forgiven you
Cannot be counted
With the hairs
On my head

And neither
Can the times
You didn’t deserve
My forgiveness

The times I have
Seen goodness
In your eyes
Cannot be counted
With the freckles
On my skin

And neither
Can the times
You took my
Second chances
For granted

The times I have
Wanted to say goodbye
Can be counted
On one hand

And the times
I actually will
Can be counted on

One finger
Dec 2014 · 981
The Dimming Light
Natalie Pugmire Dec 2014
wondering hopelessly
through an unknown place
of tragedy and despair

I cried
and begged
and screamed for help
but nobody was there

the tides
were persistent
and kept
dragging me down

I had fought
for so long
I was tired
and wanting to drown

the end
of the tunnel appeared
a black hole

the future
which was once
so bright
now seems so dull

as I was trudging
along I saw
a bright light

I started to follow it
and watched it
take fight

this light was
higher than me
and out
of my grasp

but it lowered
itself without
me having
to ask

it led me to
a place I did not know

a place where
it seemed
everything had
a perfect glow

the longer the
light stayed
the more faint
it became

I began to fear
that after
meeting me the light
would never be
the same

I took
and took as it
gave and

Now I didn't think
I was the one
who need to
be saved

the light had already
shown me the way
but had become lost
on it's own path

the thought that I
had killed such
a beautiful thing caused
me such
internal wrath

I destroy
what I touch
and I blind
what I see

I wish there
was another person
I could call
Nov 2014 · 2.7k
Natalie Pugmire Nov 2014
I’m alone again
With the darkness

He seems to be
My only friend

He waits for me
Each night
Trying to get
Inside my head

Most nights he wins
And the black clouds
Begin to fill
My soul

The fog
So thick that
I lose all of
My control

I hear a faint voice
Telling me it’s
All okay

But the other
Things I hear
Are much louder

They say that
I’m worthless
They ask why
I try

They tell me
I’m weak
As I begin
To cry

They ask why
I’m still here
In this world
Full of hate

They tell me to
Leave, escape
this mortal state

Some nights
I want to
Listen to their
Shrieking advice

Other nights
I want to end them
To be free
of their grasp

But they’ve been
Here so long
They are
A part of me now

And the only way
To get them
To leave is
To leave as well

So, this is goodbye
I’m leaving this place

Not sure where
I’ll end up

But I know
That how I feel
Now, lying on the floor

Is worse than
Any hell
On the other side
Of the door
Natalie Pugmire Nov 2014
My world became more colorful after you left, but I find myself missing the black and white.

It was just you, and me.

I was night, and you were the feeling of the sun on my skin.

I was death, and you were my 16th birthday.

I was fear and you are...gone

You are the feeling of the sun on her skin, you are her 16th birthday, she is courage and you are there.

And as I see her in your arms thoughts race back to my 6th grade science class, to the day we learned white was every color combined.

And as this thought rolls over in my mind so does the realization that when I used to hold you I was holding the rainbow.

You are white, and you have found someone who is not the absence of everything you are.

You are white,

And I am black.

— The End —